basically (adverb)

Twenty{12}.

2012-01-02T20:01:00.000-05:00

First off, I don't make resolutions because I can't ever stick to them. No use in setting myself up for more disappointment or to appear to be a liar. No buddy, no bueno. So let's get that straight. What I think about when I'm beginning a new year is "Okay, 364 more days - let's do this". Because I live everyday as if it were my last, I live without regret and with satisfaction that I've done what I came to do for today, if I get tomorrow I'll carry the same mentality. Run on sentences, Idgaf.

So where do I think I'm going this year... What are my "goals" in terms of by this time next year where do I want to be...

Word of 2012: GROWTH. I want to become something, someone different. I think this year, I'll focus on confidence and establishment. I also want to listen more, talk less. I want to develop solid friendships, visiting those that I have planned to &hopefully them coming to visit me. I plan to be more loyal and work on overcoming my fear of commitment. The only thing stopping me from being loved is loving love itself. I really want to take time to find peace within myself, figure out who I am, and develop myself as a brand. Most important, y'know?

I can't say much else, about what I want. I just know that I want more of myself, more for myself. And hopefully when I look around I'll be surrounded by those who love me, care about me, and want to be in my world. No e-thug, no keyboard-g, just really just... Becoming myself.

This is going to be fun.

Salaam,

Happy Birthday Jigga.

2011-12-04T22:25:00.000-05:00

Excuse me while I get all personal and shit…

One thing you know about me, if you know me, is that I love me some Jay-z. Yes, that was a mock of Beyonce. I have all 15 albums (collabs included) by Jay, some of ‘em I got double copies - hardcopy and digital. Just because I admire his talent.

My mother is a big Jay-Z fan. Son, when I was younger I remember my Mom driving around Brooklyn, always had to go to Marcy projects. I used to be like “Ma. Jay-z is not gonna be in no damn projects.” Even to this day she still love him, talking about “You know Sean Carter is your real father.”

Like knowing all Mary J. Blige songs, I grew up reciting Jay-Z’s lyrics. Not bias, I listened to Nas too, due to my father. Guess you could say I got the best of both worlds with my parents. Understanding the power of music, beat, and rhyme I fell in love with hip-hop. I did my senior class AP English project on “The Elements of Hip-hop”.

So now that I’m an adult, I have a deeper notion of content. I listen to music on different levels, for different reasons. And when it comes to Jay? I do that music head nod to whatever it is. His lyrical flow is so nasty. I feel like Jay-Z being ‘featured’ on any track is going to uplift whatever record he’s on, no question. The way he twists and contorts words is something that I feel like no other artist has been able to do - it’s authentic. That’s what I appreciate about his work.

For Jay-Z to be 40+years old, still producing record selling albums, with sold out tours, and signing the hottest new artist(s) in the business right now undeniably speaks for itself. I need not say anymore about him having “the hottest chick in the game” at his side. What more can I say?

Happy Birthday Jigga.

PHOTO BY DxWILLIAMS.TUMBLR.COM

my design website/blog.

Already November,

2011-11-18T23:03:00.001-05:00

Currently, I'm reading Huey. Huey's so deep and beyond some other shit that I've never come across, ever before in my life. Like he starts off this book with "I started studying law to become a better burglar". How more real can you get? In reading Huey, I've come to identify with him, his thought, and his logic. I smile at the things he says. Knowing that I should be more like Bobby Seale, in my efforts to bring about change, I find Huey more entertaining, more... eye for an eye type. Seems fair to me. I'm taking notes on Huey, getting to know him and getting to know pointers on this whole "America" situation I'm stuck in. It's definitely something for me. Something to me.

Besides reading, I'm working. Working on getting new place to work at. Because this new place isn't working for me. I've never been somewhere where everywhere you go everyone is miserable, thus their only thriving desire in life is to make the next person miserable. I feel like, in my heart I believe this, my old boss threw me under the bus - like a city bus or a school bus with like 60 screaming children on it. It hurt me, but at the same time I don't know why I expected much else. There was a bitterness at the end of my employment with her, seeing as how she would due to my departure have to work, I would be a little upset too. (Lol). So now I'm trying to piece together reliable people, who will speak highly of my work ethic and will give me the credit that I am do. It's crazy, it's like Massachusetts is a state full of taxes and plagiarizing mf's - who just want to get all the praise and not give you a raise. I'll show `em.

In other news, I'm looking forward to moving. This time it'll be to CT (I know, I've lived up & down the Eastern board). I'm really feeling good about this one, feeling like regardless what comes of it ; it will be a better situation than the one I am in currently. And I will take that with two strokes and a goldfish, do you understand me right now? Being closer to theCity, I'll be back on my scene. And back on my scene means one step closer back to me. Along with the plans I have to Love, things can only get better after being so far down. I'm ampd.

Seems like winter's going to be here a little bit earlier than predicted. I mean, the weather man is of no real use anymore. "It may be sunny or a chance of rain today" like thank you kumquat. I'm a little on edge right now. Like my brain is doing laps around and around and around. Slighty schizo, possibly, mental illness does run in my family.... Meh, I'll be around.

Salaam,

2011-10-27T20:07:00.001-04:00

In my high school I was very much so the star student. Not to brag on myself, but I was indeed... All the above for the high school student in UpState NY. But lately what's been on my mind is the amount of writing that I was doing in middle and high school. When I graduated from high school everyone automatically assumed I was going to school for English, Journalism, some sort of writing.But I didn't. I enrolled as a Political Science major, left as a Graphic Design major. Though I didn't graduate, I thought I had figured out my niche in the career world. Now everyday, I'm thinking about if I should of went into writing instead, seeing as how it's been my passion. Had I been just so concerned about the money? The life I wished to live, achieve, you know the financially stable "successful" life...I have a problem with my generation. My generation is very concerned with instant gratification. I truly hate that, I hate the fact that there's really no originality & how people don't really have any self-identity. It's really hard to be taken seriously in among a majority of wolves. So where do I start again when I'm done where I currently am? Do I continue down the path that I believe will lead me to success, or do I go with my heart, my natural talent, and make the most of what can be my "situation"? Those are the questions that have been poking at my mind.I'll let y'all know when I've found the answer. Salaam,

Dear Twin Towers (A Letter from Zisa O)

2011-09-10T16:44:00.000-04:00

truths89:Tomorrow is your ten year commemoration. And, I just wanted to take this moment to ask how the fall felt. Did those two planes, that were remotely hijacked, really make you crumble into dust? I mean, why did people hear explosions? People say you were flown into because people hate our freedoms. Ironically, ever since you defied the laws of gravity and fell like a building rigged with explosions, we seem to have lost many liberties. But really, freedom of speech ain’t the real thing no more. People live in grave fear these days.
We are stripped and searched every time we try to fly. There’s this thing called the Patriot Act, it was instituted because you fell. Sadly, it has invalidated amerika’s constitution. They say it’s for our protection. But even when I get on trains in New York, they say we can be searched at random. I feel so confused because I don’t know what they are looking for. I mean, I know you came down with bombs, but why would anyone want to bomb a train? Is it just me, or does this seem like a clever way to pacify the masses?
I often feel that people believe that your falling was the greatest amerikan tragedy. I wonder, you know? I’ve heard that Iraq became a missile target. I’ve heard that amerika invaded Pakistan, Afghanistan, parts of Yemen and elsewhere. I even heard that amerika has murdered over a million civilians because two buildings fell—mysteriously. Yeah, the 9/11 Commission Report doesn’t make too much sense—it’s a lovely tale though.
To be honest, I wonder how your cousin WTC 7 on 250 Greenwich Street fell. I don’t recall any planes hitting other buildings. And yet, that forty-seven story building fell just like you did. I suppose we could test the debris to perform a proper autopsy. However, your dust has vanished. I wish I could indulge in the commemoration many amerikans will partake in tomorrow, but the events of that day have left me puzzled.

Sincerely,
Zisa O.

(Source: truths89.

I was going to write a post, a thought/commentary on the 10th Anniversary of 9/11. But this? Says more than I could ever write.
Salaam

2011-09-08T16:51:00.000-04:00

I don't feel like myself lately. I've been removed from everything that I believe, creates me. And I don't have any true time to sit around and restart myself, you know work on myself to get myself back in shape. I've been looking forward to 'change' for the longest, just made a huge life change & now I feel like more problems face me. It's not like I'm lazy, nor am I... dull. I am seriously just out of wack, it's like I need to take my body to the shop & get an alignment. I believe it's my environment, I feel like it's literally draining the soul out of me. I've moved into a different career but I'm still doing the same job. And I am making more money, but I truly realize the lyric from the infamous BIG - "Mo Money, Mo Problems". Damn.I have a plan but I'm pretty much winging it. I need to get it all together, but no matter how many times I jot it down, write it out, spread it out on excel - nothing is making sense anymore. I feel lost and confused. It could be a funk, but it could be more than that, could be [deeper] than that. Y'know?All I can do is pray that possibly, things get better. But who am I talking to when I send out these words? There's an emptiness inside of me. And I just want it to be filled up to the rim. Or at least halfway. Salaam,

At the age of 25,

2011-08-07T12:05:00.002-04:00

I’m going to take a sabattical from my work. I’ll buy a plane ticket to somewhere, probably Belize or Amsterdam, and begin my journey of travelling for an entire year. My friends did this about 2yrs ago, traveled all over Europe and North Africa, once they were done they’ve settling in Brooklyn, NY.

I’ve tried to build relationships & connections within all the ‘groups’ I’m apart of. A lot of lesbians (especially now) are messy and trifling. Colored folks are too busy worried about their “swag”, baby daddy, or some other nonsense. And my friends that aren’t concerned with that, don’t have the same life/circumstances I do thus we can communicate but we can never relate to one another. Oh, and I don’t like females but I really can’t trust too many dudes out here either.

So that being said, I’m outties. Maybe it’s Americans that I can’t deal with. My best friend Kalani lives in France, and basically she’s been the truest of truth since 2006. The only exception to all those negatives live overseas. I think it’s time for me to do the same.

Salaam,

EverythingIAmNotMadeEverythingIAm

2011-07-11T22:01:00.001-04:00

Everything I Am Not Made Everything I Am

In A Real Way.

Salaam,

22,

2011-06-29T22:18:00.003-04:00

A letter to me a year ago, this is what it would say:

Dear You,

Life is full of things you don't understand, just yet but soon you will. Right now you're still growing up and there's still concepts that you can't grasp. But don't rush yourself, you'll get them sooner than later. I hope you will take hold of the important things; the things you can control now and work on what you want for the later. Don't bog yourself down by all the external, appreciate what you have going on inside and soak in those for that'll bring you the most happiness. If you ever are hesitant about something being right or wrong: it's wrong and avoid the conflict by just not acting. Remain silent when necessary, don't let your anger get the best of you. Education is important to you, but it will not solve all of your problems so do not beat yourself over the situation you're in. You're 21, you can only do so much. New England may not be where you want to be, but it is where you are - make the best of it and don't drag anyone else down with your depression. Friends are going to be friends always, but love only comes one in a million so cherish it. However always: put you first. Arguments aren't the end of the world so don't take them in that manner. Just talk it out, and when you can't hold in the tears anymore let them out because holding things in are more poisonous to not only the mind but the body. Stay strong in times of struggle and hardships, you will have very hard times but you will get through it if you just stick it out. Oh, you can't pick your family but you can decide how you are treated by them so make sure you check twice. Even though you have few in your circle take hold of those few and they will hold you up when you are weak. And if you ever have any doubts in your mind who you are and what you are capable of; just take a look in the mirror. I know you're still finding you, even at the age of 22, but don't rush yourself. You're only 22 once in a lifetime so let it ripen into fruition.

I Love You,

You

Closer To My Dreams x Drake

2011-06-14T15:36:00.001-04:00

In A Real Way,

In Store For Me,

2011-06-13T20:12:00.018-04:00

Getting a degree in Fine Arts - Concentration: Media & Design, then I will go on to get a degree in Architecture
Premiere my clothing line
Establish myself as a poet/photographer/activist (because I believe in giving back)

I need to re-work myself. I have a lot of baggage with me, my past continuously haunts me. But I'll make the best of my situation and prove to everyone that I'm living my life for me. Forget the book. I know, I have 5011 post about what I'm going to do. And I mean everything that I've ever said, because I said it (point noted). (Jean Grae line, don't cockblock). With things being the way that they are I've honestly moved beyond the idea of what I am and put that into motion. There's a couple things/people/situations in my way but I'm in the process of making progress. I've realized that I've become miserable over the last couple years, I think it's because I wasn't ready for r.e.a.l. life. But I've adjusted and figured it all out. Things are going to get hard, but what's worth having it comes easy? Feel me?

I know you do. So stay tuned, and stay high. I'll be in touch.

Salaam,

My Top 10 (Male) MC's

2011-06-08T10:31:00.013-04:00

1. Tupac
2. Jay-Z
3. Notorious B.I.G.
4. Andre 3000
5. Nas
6. Eminem
7. Common
8. Busta Rhymes
9. J. Cole
10. DMX

Black Daddy Syndrome,

2011-06-05T16:57:00.001-04:00

So I work at a major retail factory store part time, as well as my first job (I'm like a retail bitch right now). And I was working a smooth 4.5hr shift yesterday, it was packed as ever and this African dude came up to me and asked for my assistance. No problem right, I don't mind helping any customer out with their shopping. But with him I was a little irritated because he had what I call "Black Daddy Syndrome".

Black Daddy Syndrome or BDS is the case of black fathers abandoning their children and then coming back as if nothing happened. This can be broken down more deterministically by the case of materialism. There's just something about Black people, especially, that believe that by buying their children nice things it'll compensate for whatever lack of love, affection, etc the child has undergone.

The initial question was "Can you help me", followed by "I have a 10, and 12... No 9, 10... No 10 and 12 year old sons, and I don't know what size they wear, what size would be good for them?"... "With boys it's icky", I told him, "depends on their height, size, weight, build... All that." He stared at me blankly, there wasn't even a hesitation or thought in his head as he said "I haven't seen them since they were very little". It took everything in me to not start PREACHING to this man, because I wanted to rip him a new one.

How dare you drop $150 in total on 2 BOYS that haven't seen you since they were however young, and think that's going to make-up for the lost years? I 100% would rather you bank this money you're about to drop on these hood-flooded sneakers and spend it on TIME with them. You can't make up time, you can't refund time. There's not enough money, kicks, or (clearance rack) t-shirts you can buy to make up for not being there for your children. He went from a decent pair of kicks for each of them, to a okay pair of kicks. He initially asked me to help him with a shirt and shorts for each child, but upon the realization that each pair of shorts was $18 he switched to 2 $7 tee shirts and a pair of kicks for each child. He maybe dropped $60 in total per son. How can you equate that to empty nests?

I know that the time I spent with my father means much more to me than any pair of Timberlands or North Face coat he ever bought me. And I know my brother Adam feels exactly the same. It's not about the money, it's honestly about the mentality. Why is this the case? Can someone tell me? Forreal though.

Salaam,

2011-06-01T18:28:00.001-04:00

When I think about my career and where I'm going to end up, let's say in 10years. I don't see myself working for anyone. I see myself established as a designer in the community, my clothing line moving in many stores and boroughs, and I see myself at top notch. I don't low blow myself because then I can't reach my dreams. I have to take myself higher because everyone else is here to pull me down.

Taking a negative and making it positive - from this moment on.

Spoken Word Performance: Neighborhood Charter School

2011-05-31T16:07:00.001-04:00

-----------------------------------------

On May 25, 2011 I was invited by Shannon Roberts to perform for her middle school students. Shannon Roberts was my English teacher in 7th grade. She actually taught me a method I use to this day when writing poetry. It was lovely to perform for the students, the questions they asked I was open to answering, and I enjoyed catching up with my former teacher.

I can't wait to work with the students next year. I will engage with Shannon's classrooms throughout their entire Poetry section, and the project that is partnered with the Institute of Contemporary Art in Boston, MA.

Salaam,

Bastard

2011-05-11T09:58:00.001-04:00

What happened to you
You used to
Drop knowledge on me at a young age
Beckoning me to walk the right path
Now you've started to kick back
Revert into a child
As you still swaddle the nipple of your mothers breast
Do you lack the muscle of your chest
Switching back and forth between sanity and reality
I used to know you
Speak proudly of the man who owned property
Had businesses and titles in his name
A father
So you taught me to be proud
And I always was
Until you started fucking up
You began to disclose the stigmas in your brain
Then you became
Nothing more than a statistic
Another black man down
Blaming the system for your careless mistakes
I don't want to say that the 10 of us are a part of the many you've made
But who knows what's going on inside your head
The other day
You told Grandmama that you had a divine intervention
Still you've yet to mention where this will lead you
Cause to me?
You're still on the wrong path
I don't understand how you got this way
And why are you so mad with me?
It is your blood that runs through these veins
So then I wonder what will happen to me when I reach your age
I've tried to become anything but you
Removed myself from all situations including your prescence
Because even though I am your child
You have narrowed me down to the sperm that dripped from your nutsack
Do you even remember when you said that?
Wretched man of wicked ways
You are an embarrassment
I never speak of you
Since I've never spoken to you freely in years
I am jailed behind this mask
Hiding my tears
Walking around life with this burden on my back
Fighting down the fears
And avoiding the issue
Because you are not the man that birthed me
You are not the man that raised me

You are no man at all.

2011-05-01T20:50:00.000-04:00

I miss breakdancing.
I miss random late-night catchups.
I miss insiders.
I miss long AIM away messages.
I miss being able to confide in someone.
I miss laughing.
I miss bright kicks.
I miss Saturday morning cartoons.
I miss 3am trips to Wal-mart.
I miss my Cafe.
I miss thrift store shops with my Grandmother.
I miss driving on Route5 with my Grandmother.
I miss travelling freely.
I miss being able to wear fitted caps.
I miss the days of conversation.
I miss stir fry for dinner.
I miss playing chess over good conversation.
I miss learning from people, not Googling.
I miss inspiration.
I miss free-spitting.
I miss my fro.
I miss feeling individual.

Now I'm just a grey dot in the masses.

In A Way

2011-03-11T18:41:00.000-05:00

Kinda funny how shit turns out. There's no running because in the end you're right back where you began. Irony or Result? I don't think it's irony, I believe that life knows that there cannot be a new without a finish.

The past 2 years I've spent blaming on everyone and everything else. Excuses became my crutch, explaining my obstacles & pretty much depending on them. When those got tired, I blamed people. Whoever it was, I just had a scape, a patsy. But now if you ask me I'm ready.

I'm finally taking true steps and actions to get myself on the right path. And though all this disaster and downfall is occurring all around me - I feel good. I've got a brand new outlook on life. To wallow in one's sorrow never does them any good. You have to get up and keep it moving. Because it's not the fall that matters, it's the fact that you got back up & recovered. So life is funny that way.

Might not be such a bad idea after all.

Theory of Creation

2011-02-01T18:15:00.001-05:00

Damn, I was sitting here watching Amel Larrieux's video for "For Real". Realizing how beautiful she is, I Wiki'd her. Her mother is Afro-American & her father is Scottish-Dutch. Cool... Then I thought of how pretty those mixes always are. Nigerian and French, Afro-American and German: Mixes. And I thought of my co-worker, Deb, whose daughter, a 17year blonde, has told her that she wants to have a baby with a Black man. Not because of his strength, his struggle, or his beauty - but because her child will have "curly hair and juicy lips." Then I got to thinking about my own views of having children & I too, have always leaned towards having a mixed child. Lately I've been saying "I need to find a man that's tall, creamy, and handsome" ; a play on the "tall, dark, and handsome". My favorite ex-bf (yes, I know surprising to my readers, I have dated 2 guys my entire life & have never had sex with either of them, FYI) is Hispanic. He's tall, creamy, and handsome.

Am I shallow for thinking this way? I mean really - I just want to have a beautiful child. And I know that genetics are scientific, but looks don't always come out as we think. Just google one of those baby maker things, two beautiful celebrities will have a Freddy Krueger looking baby, LOL.I feel like a traitor, a racial Benedict Arnold. But it's not just the looks, it's also the culture the child would have. Being of mixed background myself, I've always been able to embrace the spectrum. Though my skin is darker and my hair curls up oddly, I have only recently experienced ignorance because of my complexion. I'm 21, so that's 20years of not having to deal with the enigma's of being colored. It has also made me stronger, it has made me not break under the pressures of the system, it has made me not be a victim. I've never needed an "Intervention" to sort through my problems, I never ran to a drug or alcohol to deal. Cause where I'm from it's just something to do among the rest of the bs you face.

It's only recently that I've actually thought of having children. And as I think of it, a lot of my reasons for not wanting a child have been selfish and full of fear. Even as I talk now about having a child, I always say "When I have this child, don't forget about me. I need to be held too." The fears of responsibility, not being a good parent, & the pain of birth have all been heavy on my list of child abstinence. But I've come to learn the beauty of having a child, the pride in that connection, and the decreasing of my selfishness being replaced with the happiness in the idea of sharing mys.e.l.f. with another being, a being of me.

So there's a lot that goes into the plans. It just struck me odd - it just struck me hurtful. But I've also always had this theory that the world will not erase racism until races no longer exist. Until you cannot an Afro-American from an African, until you cannot tell a Bosnian from a Russian, a Mexican from a Dominican. Until those lines are so blurred that everyone is just as creamy as milk.

Maybe having a child of my own will prove my hypothesis correct.

Salaam,

-------------------

Editors Note: I know it's weird, but this is not to be mixed with my sexual identity. This is just a personal rant, a freeing of thoughts. Because I still feel "better" or more comfortable when I look at myself as a (genderlyspeaking)male. Yet the idea of bringing a child in this world, comes from I guess you could say the 'female'.

Bursting Out...

2011-01-31T18:02:00.000-05:00

I could just be writing words here, or spitting some truth
I could just be free versing these curses
And I could just be talking about you
But still
It don't matter what the purpose is
All I know is that we're conflicted
Hard sound bits and screams of worthlessness
Damn
Sucha cold world after all
Because my light hasn't shined bright for 6celestial stages now
Yet I'm on the hunt to get that sunshine again
You
Could be my sunshine
You could be the reason behind my rhymes
Behind the scene writing the scripts to these scenes
You could be what makes my heart burst at it's seams
You could mean so much more to me than me
Where are you Love?
Why aren't you here next to me?
Beside me where you're supposed to be
I'm looking for you closely
Particular in every movement and scanning all around the room
Your eyes used to spark the fire that churns inside
Now that fire has started to die
Rocking here trying to get some momentum to get me off my back
Because I'm starting lack
The feeling of life in my veins
I'm starting to feel like I'm going insane
The voices in my head telling me that you are dead
But my heart still beating
Oxygen still pumping this vessel to get to the finish line
So I wonder if I'll finish this poem in time for you to hear
For you to listen
Because I'm able, hoping, and willing to love you till the world ends
I'm ready to let your love mold me and bend me to your wishes
I'm ready to be blessed by the taste of your lips
Only if I could

-----

Salaam,

Fools Rush In

2011-01-21T16:09:00.000-05:00

I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. Everytime I found someone interesting & attractive, and became monogamous to/with them - I made that person the center of my world. One of my ex's, like 3years ago, told me that I rush into love too fast. And at the time I thought she was being spiteful and being hateful towards me, afterall this was right after her telling me that she was playing me for some other female. Digg? Right. But sitting here thinking about it I agree, sorta.

Love is something that has to be nurtured and catered to. Once you stop doing that and start pushing it into whatever "idea" you have it to be - you fuck it up. Trust, take it from me. I have done a lot of stupid things lately, because I had this idea of love and what I wanted. It's also a very selfish manner of going about things. Because a relationship is 2-sided, always. And if it's only one-sided then you'll look around and soon realize that you've been doing everything for yourself. Not for your relationship. And you're alone. Lol, word.

So my advice to you is to not rush love. Definitely don't push someone to be in a relationship with you, because if they're not ready - they are not ready. And then you just gonna be mad and bitter, breaking up something brand new, looking like a damn fool on Facebook. If you're already in a relationship and you're struggling to keep it together, step back and look at why there's the rifts there. More often then not it's a lack of communication. Just because you're listening doesn't mean you're hearing. Cause I damn sure ain't been the best at that one.

But I'm trying to change my ways.

Dead Zone: L_ve

2011-01-04T14:46:00.000-05:00

Relationships.

I'm not too good at those things. I've always connected to songs of desperation, of emotional turmoil, of lacking intimacy & commitment - I've always been terrified of l_ve. You see, my mother never really showed me how to l_ve. And my father has told me that I am nothing more than the sperm that dripped from his nutsack (I quote that). So when it comes to my best examples of l_ve & relationships, I don't have too much to base my experimentation on.

Yet I've tried. I've been in a solid 4 relationships, I've also had my share of encounters/relations. I consider myself who learns from their past. But being a cancer also means that I usually develop a fear from my past & try to avoid it at all cost. Resulting, I am not at all easy to l_ve. Though I am extremely sensitive, I am guarded. I often formulate these ideas in my head & (self)conclusively I shut myself down. Thus, shutting l_ve out.

Without that spark/inner-light, I zombify myself. I do what I believe is "right" because Being forbid I'm wrong. So dismissive that I check myself out of everything around me. I mesh into this shattered individual sifting through days like flour in between fingers. In a lot of ways I make my fears/past come true.

I force myself into this dead zone. Into this cemetery. And thus buried along with my heart, is my relationships. My emotions. My person. And when it's final dug up, you look around & nobody is there at your tombstone missing you. Instead, you are nothing more than a plastic stick w/ a note on it that's blown away in the winds of past days.

Heard It All Before

2010-12-20T16:10:00.001-05:00

I know, I know - y'all heard it all before. I can't believe that I've managed to keep a blog running for over a year. I'm the kueng of unfinished things. I always begin and forget to end things. I'm already tired of the ''2011'' bs that's circling the worldwideweb right about now. But I can't front; I'm looking forward|ahead for this next year. I have so much in plan.

For one, I'm going to journal myself daily. I'm not sure if it's going to be on the web or not, it will definitely be written though. I'm also going to work on developing my design-line. And lastly, I'm going to get back into school for the Fall Semester. Idgaf if I have to work 3,5jobs.

Confidence does not yield arrogance. These two are not one in the same and much too often the lines get crossed. Mixed signals can impact a first impression. And there's not second chance at making that.

Per usual, I will be dedicated a 2010 Note via my Facebook to those selected. The previous 2years I have included "interests", that resulted into nothing. So I'm teetering the line on that one, yet all in all I am excited. This year flew by no doubt. I'm not really in the Christmas spirit, hence me talking about my New Years plans already. Lol.

Peace,

2010-12-09T13:57:00.000-05:00

I don't believe that you can re-transition to a pass 'you.' So when people say "I gotta get me back", you never lost you. I feel like if you don't grow then you won't progress. That's why the people who stay in the same city they grew up in, when you go visit them 20years after high school they still doing the same shit, fucking the same nigga, and even having that same ass hairdo. You have to change some shit up. You have to 'get out' and see the world. At least a different state.

I'm a roamer. I've probably lived in 20 different cities in the last 3years. And I love that about me. It's a new way for me to push my limits of my comfort. Currently, I'm only stable because I need to pay off a tuition bill to get back into school. But once that happens I'll probably be back on my hopping grind. There's no hurt in that to me. I have to experience a different because that's always been my situation: different.

Thankful

2010-11-25T17:57:00.000-05:00

I was at work from 930am till 5. It sucked major monkey butt. People asking for the most random shit because we were literally the only store open. But my favorite customer, Larry, came into the store tonight to get his daily lottery. When he saw I was working he was not having it. So he went home, made me 2 plates - 1 with all the works: mac&cheese, mashed potatoes, greens, turkey, steak & peppers, stuffing (or dressing lol) and 1 with peach cobbler & candy yams. "From us to you sweetheart" he said, after punking out the White boy, Mikey, about how "stuffing supposed to look. Not that dry stuff y'all be having!" Lol, much love.

And that right there - I am Thankful for.

Random Rant

2010-11-20T21:15:00.000-05:00

I need to get over my insecurity of being short. My height is probably the biggest challenge I face in the mirror. I don't wear what I want to wear, I can't fit into clothes the way I want to, and everything else. I'm extremely insecure about my height. And it's something that I used to NOT be so bothered by. But now that I'm considered an ''adult'' in this fcuked up judgmental world, I feel more and more annoyed that I'm of short stature. I don't know... I guess it's just another one of those I gotta work on accepting. Cause ain't no way in changing this one.

Battle Inside

2010-11-15T23:07:00.000-05:00

You gotta be a big girl now
No time for tears
There's no time to sit on the sideline
I need you in the game
The balls coming your way
Don't pass go
Do not collect $200
Just
Stay

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

2010-11-12T08:55:00.001-05:00

There's certain things that I have in my life that I didn't take advantage of. As sentimental of a being as I am, it's surprising to me how stuck up I am. Let's put all that in past tense because being out here on my own the last year or so really put things into perspective for me. Going away to college changed me but moreso left me feeling misplaced with no where to turn. I don't know if those things are still available. I dont know if I can still make those moments. But if I search and find that they are I will be taking as much advantage of those things as possible. I shouldn't be scared to reach out and use my resources. I shouldn't shut other people out because another might get jealous that I have so I limit my access to those things. Nah, that's no good for me. So for me imma do these things. I have to get off my high horse and get my boots in th mud of life. But I can utilize the help that I have along the way to not make it such a miserable journey.

-peace,

Speaking of That...

2010-11-07T19:24:00.000-05:00

Today, while I was at work, I was mistaken for being a boy. It doesn't bother me one bit. Actually I smile and try to keep my voice as low as possible so that they don't get caught off, stare at me, and 'try to figure me out'. Because there isn't any figuring out for me. I've noticed that whenever I think about my sex I get sad. I often wish I was a male, penis included. But I've never identified myself or related to my "transexual(gendered)" friends. I've never wanted to have a top or bottom surgery. I've always just been "one of the boys" without the mental or emotional disconnection within. So I just came onto this thought, this association within myself with my male counterpart. Then I became sad.

The sadness came from the fact that I am only 5'1"... and 3/4ths. Lol. So for me? Shopping is the hardest thing for me. I want to wear guys clothes. There's the complication - because of my height and weight, I have to shop in the Boys section. But now that I have the size fixed? I can't walk around at the age of 21 in footballs and little fishes. Not a good look.

I don't know. I guess it's the whole catch-22. And I guess that's why I was born a girl? My body is shaped like a girl but I'm starting more and more to feel trapped inside this body. And my association is not composed of strong women - but rather strong men. The way it's supposed to be.

Last Year

2010-10-29T17:09:00.001-04:00

I had so much life in me. I'm looking at the number of my posts. I thought for sure that it would go UP as I got older and with time I would be able to spill myself onto these keys and write a melody so deep that you'd have to slap yourself to wake up the dream. But not yet, I'm not finding the acceptance in any of my speech that'll allow me to curve my tongue and mistake these letters for verbs. My actions are silenced. And I'm lurking, looking, and searching. Hoping that the words will come back to me. That my passion will actually - be. I'm nothing but a dreamer, a starving artist for lack of better terms. Yet I'm willing and able to become more than what you see me as from behind the scenes I'll arrive on stage. I'll blow up like a suicide bomber. I'm on a mission.

On The Real

2010-10-29T16:02:00.002-04:00

I’m tired of everyone wanting to be in a relationship but not be in a realationship. Everyone just wants someone to be with, to talk on the phone, to text all day. No one wants to put in time, no one wants to build a future, no one wants to have a lifelong partner. It’s more so personA thinks personB is cute so they MUST be with that person. They don’t even know this person, they don’t know what this person likes, what they do for a living - anything. Just that they want to have something called a relationship. They don’t want the real thing. And I’m sick of hearing that shit.

Running

2010-10-19T10:03:00.001-04:00

I feel like I have to be m.o.r.e., always. Because I've never been enuff. My temperament is one of someone who hasn't been taught love, hasn't been taught social skills - quite frankly? I've always had my way. And when I didn't have my way I didn't have anyone else so I depended on self... It's easier that way. So everything in my life right now is a deep growing experience, one that's going to alter my way of thinking. I have never been on this mind level before. I know this because there is no familiarity here. So it's all a battle, it's all a change... Damn i'm favoring commas today... i guess i got a lot to say so it's just running on.

If I had the dream job it would be to just be happy and create. Start another non-profit organization but on the scale that it would cater to the gray area of age. When you're discovering yourself. I know if I had found a cafe, a poetry place, a smoke shop, a club, an art gallery that would work with me - I would be better than what I am. I'm working on getting better.One step closer to where I want to be, I know where I want to be. And I think because I am not there yet, that's why I'm so hard on myself. Failure is not an option. It's not even a question.

I vs. Them

2010-09-29T16:29:00.003-04:00

I remember when I was younger, I saw my cousin get yelled at for sayin' "I wish I was like Them". By 'Them' she meant Caucasian|Ameropean individuals. Now believe me, I always have|will believe that Black Is Beautiful. I just wish I knew then what I know now.

Where I come from it's a constant blur of people of all races. Constant. But as I got older, I got pushed out into a different world. No reality show series, I mean at least in my eyes it's a different world. Them see the world through blue eyes filled up with entitlement. Them walk on clouds because they live a cushioned life. Them never know how I feel.

It's pointless to me. To complain or converse with Them on these things. Them will never be able to. But it kills me to turn on the TV &see Them getting the most help recovering from Heroin addictions, another INTERVENTION where the family enabled them financially to do so; yet we are just an experiment of the government, no one see's the irony in our population living in a place called projects. Them own the world & everything in it. American history sickens me. Them created this place for Them. Irks me for Them to treat us beyond bad like we signed up on a waiting list to come here. Them no write our names in Ellis Islands Passenger Search.

But Them also live a miserable life. Empty of greed and bitterness. Them never satisfied. Them murderers that call (them) selves conquerers. I couldn't imagine living a life that never gets full. Constantly riding on E.

It's tuff though, more often than not; Out here in Them world.

Forever Young

2010-09-23T19:46:00.002-04:00

Let's just say that I'm short. &Because I have the blessings of my Grandmother's looks, I don't age. At all. Cause Imma vampire, tuh. No but seriously, I don't really... look 'older'. Mix that with my height & lack of physical attributes that would attest that I am indeed 21yrs old - at least 5x a day I hear "Why are you old enough to (fill in the blank)?"

So I started to change up. I ventured into wearing clothes I really didn't care for, I stopped my crazy colored high top collection, &I began to try to put forth the image that I am at least legal.

Still, it's not going too well. I don't think I'll ever ''look'' my age. When I'm pushing 30 I'll still be carded. It's a complaint now, probably be a compliment then.

What I'm tryna get at is - I hate the change up. I hate lookin' young. I wish I could just look ''21'', whatever that means. But at the end of the day? I'm me. And Imma be me. If you don't like that then I don't have shit to tell you. Here's my ID, sell me my alcoholic beverage & my lottery tickets.

Good Day Cold World.

Chemical Formula of Love

2010-09-08T17:31:00.000-04:00

Scientific studies tend to view sex and love as a mammalian instinct. Love is an experience that can be divided into three partly-overlapping stage: lust, attraction, and attachment.

Lust is the initial passionate sexual desire that promotes mating. It stimulates the release of hormones such as testosterone and oestrogen. The effect is only last for weeks or months.

Attraction is romantic love stage. People at this stage will constantly release chemical, including dopamine, phenylethylamine (PEA), norepinephrine and serotonin. The effect of this chemicals flowing in bloodstream is similar to stress: increased heart reat, sweaty palms, heavy breathing and etc.

Unlike lust and attraction stage, attachment stagement stage is accounted for long term relationship. Monogamy and trust are related with oxytocin and vasopressin. This is the stage where mature love is.

PROjects.

2010-09-08T17:20:00.000-04:00

currently i'm working on a host of projects that will basically (hopefully) enlighten many about me, including myself. i like saying projects, and everytime i do, i think of the ghetto... which i've never lived in. i shouldn't write while high... so i'm not going to do so. just be on the lookout for the look in &that's all.

peace,

CUT.

2010-09-03T18:43:00.000-04:00

(ShoutOut to Love)

And so it happened. i went into the bathroom & cut my hair with my new clippers. pretty funny, i just took the clippers put it on the 1/4guard and went at it... so i had this like little mexican hightop fade mohawk, lmaooo. but it's all clean and better now.

How do i feel? f r e e . i've never let my hair define me, i let my people dictate what i did with it. even my senior portrait, i didn't want that picture. but my grandmother said "make sure you pick one with your hair down so people know you had hair". like really grandma? all my friends knew me, all knew i had hair, &knew that i kept it in a ponytail ALL THE TIME. didn't think much about it then but now i regret not putting more thought into it.

Today it rained, and i didn't start running for cover. i walked. leisurely. (:

Standards of Listening

2010-08-22T19:56:00.002-04:00

I like music that I can listen to. i like to hear something that i’ve felt before. that’s what music means to me. it’s a connection, a conversation, a conclusion and in its rarest of form a cleansing. emotions are chief when you’re a cancerian. &i’ve found that the best way for me to deal with the tides is to just plug in my headphones. yes i may cry, laugh, dance, or fall asleep – but music is part of me. it’s woven into the parcels of my misty breath.

So i dont necessarily listen to music that everyone else around me is listening to. it has nothing to do with going opposite of what’s considered mainstream, because there is some Drake on my iPod, &right now that’s as mainstream as it gets. simply put, there’s not a need to filter or reject music based on any classification according to my standards of listening.

My selections ranges from the need to associate. sometimes it’s the need to isolate. but it’s nonetheless always a need; that much I do know. when i was in the 7^th grade i started journaling. not in the form of a diary but more so a log. and in 36 notebooks of different colors i wrote down every song i ever heard that i could connect with. my mother would throw most of them away when we changed addresses for the 4^th time, leaving me to start clean as a freshman at college. . some did survive the move though, most of them my depressing days when i listened to big frog 104; country music which is the bluest of all the blues &just as patriotic as a hot dog and baseball inked away my years of self-infliction, starvation, and searching for self.

Pandora has to be one of the best creations ever. i know, yahoo! music has been up on the radio bit, later came AOL, but Pandora really has it all together (despite all the force close issues &need for updates every 4days, i’m tryna bare with them). the ability to just put one artist is &vibe through those alike is really true. i also listen to Last.fm a lot, same thing just more focused and also a lot more not so mainstream songs available. iTunes &beyond, technology has engineered the right product for me.

What i’m tryna get at is – i have a need. and that need is always met by music. she’s the one thing that’s never abandoned me, never disappointed me, never did not love me. . the gathering of lyrics, the songstress, beat &rhythm always equals out to be the sum of a good thing. music always has the answereven when im feeling down, it’s a good thing. a contradiction that heals the conflictions in whatever comes.

And as i jot down Artist – Song in the back of my composition notebook, with *’s and ~’s to inform of something different from the rest written, some things dont change. im a lister, and i like to list what im listening to. based on my need. for that reason i dedicate this to H.E.R. knew you from the day i tried to moonwalk. ive loved you since grandma told me who “Blue Eyes” was, Bold As Love to be tatt’d on my chest and now as i cry to Melody Gardot – this is what i like. me gusta. music, you’ve come a long way &+ though they say things change, you are the one thing that remains the same.

Fcuk`n Loop Holes

2010-08-18T16:51:00.001-04:00

exactly what i went through.

what i've been going through.

&what everyone else around me has been going through.

the fcuk`n loop holes.

"Hey Stranger! Haven't seen you in awhile" -____-

2010-08-16T17:47:00.003-04:00

First off, fuck you. Second, this friendship is a two-way deal, therefore you should have checked up on me if you honestly cared about my well-being. That’s an absolute pet peeve of mine! I know that I’ll go out of my way if we haven’t seen or spoken to each other in a while. You got my number, use it. Don’t act all brand new with me and shit. I’ve been here since day one, just cause I lost contact for a short amount of time doesn’t mean that our ties have been cut off. I’ve been going through some family problems and personal problems, those are the main reasons why I’ve been lowkey. I’m sorry that going out and being in the social scene isn’t a priority, I’ve been focusing on me, not other people. Pardon my personal moments and shit, but don’t ever come at me like I’ve never been down with you since day one.

True Story

2010-07-28T17:07:00.004-04:00

Making coffee is probably the most annoying task ever given to me at my job, but somebody's gotta do it. plus when it's really slow or i don't feel like manning the register? it's a good way to burn out a good 25-30mins standing there shuffling around &running water. shit gets real tedious after some time and today the store was real slow anyhow, i guess people in Williamsburg don't need gas or coffee or munchie food. cause we definitely got it all.

i'M changing the coffee out, dumping the old grinds, marking the re-brew time, &putting more coffee in the filter for the next 2 pots, minding mines jamming to pandora in my pocket via the Droid. next i know, a guy who's making his little ice coffee (we sell that too) looks over at me &here comes the downfall. "you live in Williamsburg?" - "yeah...?" - "oh, okay." now it's not the first time i've been asked that question, and it's not the first time i got the "oh, okay." response, you know the response people give you, especially those of the lighter skin complexion ;) when they don't (EX)pect you to reside in such a nice, small, clean, Caucasian dominated place. where your kids go to pre-school to hs together, where the soccer moms roll big, where the pizza guy always had a crush on your daughter type town.

What was coming next i couldn't ever prepare for. "i should ummm, bring my gf in here" , as he whips out his blackberry, pushes a couple buttons to reveal presumably his gf: real life character from sistah-soulja/zane novel. i'm talking tiny framed, weave droppin`, black mesh shirt, blue skinnies with hands on thee hips image of LaKresha
(yes, spelled with a K).

"...Oh" that's all i said cause that's all i could get my mouth to say. "yeah you know, we've been living here for 2yrs &it's hard for her to really meet any friends, cause... well you know what i'm getting at, around here it's difficult, you know. i'm always catchin` slack cause i'm older & (muffles) awhitemaledatingayoungerblackgirl `n so it's hard, but we're doing alright." - "yeah." - "well yeah, so maybe i'll bring her around here, to the store, then you guys can chat, i'm sure you guys have something in common. it'll be good for her." - "yeah" -____-

Now in my head, i'm already off the richter, i'm talking fcuk 10, i'm at 5011. there's nothing about me that would suggest that i would get along with LaKresha there. how did he come up with this conclusion? i simply wear a brown polo, black jeans, and old black dunks to work. i rock an Aum symbol necklace, with a peace sign hemp-made bracelet, i have a lip piercing, and my music was playing GCH. maybe i'm wrong for judging her, maybe she isn't as bushwick as i gathered. but in all honesty, idgaf. i was judge, i was (PRE)judged. &its not that he took the time to gather up all his information. it wasn't even that he took the time to correct his pronunciation of my name ("AyeIeShaye?"). he simply looked at me, saw i was a female of a minority race complexion &(ASS)U(~~not~~)ME that i &her would have something to talk about. i don't know what he was getting at, but i know where my mind placed him. he's the type: the-ignorant-don't-know-any-better-says-things-that-are-so-unpolitically-correct type.

Dude proceeds to finger taste his ice coffee, i guess he doesn't like everything black. re-brew in 2hrs. i'll be making my boy brew that shit, i can't deal. hell i'm thinking, good thing he didn't see the tattoo of Africa on my ankle. he would have really hit the nail on the head.
i should get a raise for customer tolerance.

Where's the Diamonds?

2010-07-15T16:43:00.000-04:00

so I was cleaning up just now after cutting my hair, &+ for some reason i was thinking about how homosexuality is the black. got all these young girls running around here thinking that they're barbies, thinking that having babies when they just a baby is a-okay cause they momma will take care of it and it's a way to keep a man around, and basically how sleeping with another girl (if you're a girl) is alright, &if i see one more talk show host do a special called "gay for pay".

I was just thinking about growing up in my hood. And there was this girl named "diamond" &she was known to be "gay". now even though i had been known i had an attraction for girls, my first kiss was with a girl, the first time i was felt up or "humped" was with a girl; i had no idea what "gay" was or what "homosexuality" was, that shit didn't enter my vocabulary till I was a freshman in hs. i also didn't know it was "wrong" , or such a controversy. for all I knew, girls liked boys and boys liked girls, i liked girls, i was a girl, whatever. who cares. but back to diamond, she was like feared in my hood. i mean when diamond was coming around all the girls would come running in the house "diamond outside! she gonna get you!" it was like a disease you could catch, or atleast back in my childhood it was comparable to being tagged IT.

nowadays? there's such a stigma that comes with even someone thinking you're gay that my moms yells at my 3yr old brother for playing with barbies &liking stuff with glitter. hell he like spiderman and diego too. i think what she needs to realize that all he sees is his daddy drinking &acting like a little btch when he dont his controlling way, and that she always leaves him with my 12yr old jonas brother// justin beiber obsessed sister. there's not really too much else for him to like besides pink and purple shit. shuuu.
&my 12yr old sister just added me on FB. there's no need for her to be scared of "diamond" because her worry is not meeting an old pedophile named Steve that lives down the street. she knows what gay is, she knows what homosexuality is -- hell my cousin, who's also 12, told her that she was bisexual. "ma, ___ said that she gotta girlfriend!" my sister told my mom with her big gray eyes. my mom didn't even question it, she just laughed it off.

i guess what i'm tryna get it is that kids nowadays have way too much exposure to what society wants them to be. and forget about it if you're a minority. and definitely dead your hopes if the child is raised in a lesbian-parent home, because chances are the parent is just as confused as the child will end up. minority lesbians, i've observed are really messy, &those who have kids are a h.a.m. especially because most of them were in a long-term committed relationships with a dude for all their lives, but they're in the same scene as their teenage daughter who just dropped kid number 2 -- they're just gonna fuck with girls.

there's no "diamonds" anymore. so all of everybody basically are just digging in the rough, looking for someone to hold onto, someone that'll give that attention. whoever gives them attention, that's their "best friend."

be easy ya'll !
- Ace

A Letter to Ms. Hill

2010-07-15T10:51:00.008-04:00

this morning because I couldn't sleep &+ because the song Adam Lives In Theory was stuck in my head, I did some research (aka Googling) on Ms. Hill. it left me with this eerie, goosebumps, paranoid feeling. she's a character, indeed, belongs on USA network type. i guess 3wks ago she came out in an interview with NPR stating that she's going to comeback into the game.

"Lauryn said that her heart was in Zion,

I wish that her heart still was in rhyming"

- Kanye West

everyone's got stuff to say about it, wondering if she'll have the "Sade Effect" on listeners, or so they're calling it. you know how Sade didn't have a record for 10yrs, and then she showed up with Soldier of Love &+ blasted all the bopz out the water.

honestly? I don't care what effect she has on anybody else. there's a mixture of feelings towards her return (whenever it is, due to the rumored method to her 'madness' I read about her studio affairs; if you don't know Ms. Hill was sued by her team that claimed they helped write songs &produce Miseducation, cost her $5Mill - then she was ghost after that speel. so I guess now she makes everyone who's anyone that she's considering to work with sign a waiver saying they give all creative &financial rights to her on any music they make with/for her, and half the time she postpones appointments, and the artists eventually get aggy with waiting &losing money so they go their business. *which I think is dumb as hell, but maybe I don't see the blessing the same way everyone else does, hell I'm just a student of hers)

Ready or Not, Here I Come, You Can't Hide....

Urgency: Ms. Hill's return is vital to the pullback of music, to the voice of our generation (&those coming up under it, I mean 1998 was 12yrs ago, I was only 8yrs old, but even those younger than me know the words to "Doo Wop (That Thing)" "Ex-Factor" "To Zion"
Fear: with her religious radical ways, formulated by the cult she was yielded to by this dude named 'Brother Anthony', and her outburst towards the Vatican ; I don't know... It's kinda scary.
Hype: no matter what it is or what people say about her, it's Ms. Hill, the one &only. the sickest and rawest talent I've ever heard, male or female. The influence to so many, especially my other teachers of the Neo-Soul movement.

people say that she's crazy (bi-polar allegations have been on the scene for some years) or brainwashed (cult religion), drugs? nah, that's my girl Badi (ya'll know I'm telling the truth). personally? I think Ms. Hill went through a life cleansing that all of us if only lucky enough to receive could have. she really had the time, money, and will to pull-back &away from everything and everyone - and just learn (&continue to) S.E.L.F.

I ain't no music critic, I don't work for VIBE &+ I've yet to hear back on my internship to Rolling Stone, but what I do know: music. Music is what feelings sound like. &so whatever she's feeling, that's what I'm waiting on. to see what she's wanting to have expres-sed.
take your time Ms. Hill, and with all due respect, Take Care.

- A Student,

*I address Lauryn Hill as "Ms. Hill" because that's how she wishes.

(That much is confirmed.)

Read/Listen: NPR Full Interview with Ms. HIll

21 Things I've Learned at Being 21

2010-06-25T13:32:00.011-04:00

21. Laugh as much as you can, if you don't - your life will really suck.
20. When the dentist says brush your teeth, 3x a day, listen. Being 17 with yellow gunk on your teeth is NOT attractive.
19. Money disappears as fast as you get it. So a savings account when you're 9 isn't a bad investment.
18. The price of milk should be cheaper than a gallon of gas. It probably isn't, but that's my rationalization.
17. There are car-bullys in this world. Never get over - make them go around. It irritates the fuck outta them.
16. Fast food, though cheaper; the compost genetically modified shit will deteriorate your insides.
15. People will give you shit about the simplest things &let you breeze through shit that should be difficult - take it with a grain of salt.
14. If you have the $1 give it to the bum, If you don't - don't be a dick.
13. Time is important, if you can be on time you should be. Earlier is best. Last is never acceptable.
12. Coke products are better than Pepsi.
11. Poetry isn't to be used to pick up an attraction. Words should be used as tools of communication. And not everyone writes, reads, hear things the way you do. Doesn't mean you're less of a poet|person.
10. The worldwideweb can make anybody famous; but unless you're someone in the real world, working towards positive growth &change - you're just as pointless as Miley Cyrus.
9. Kisses are beautiful.
8. Treating others as you'd like to be treated doesn't always result in respect; but it does result in dignity.
7. People will let you down - all the fucking time. Don't hold grudges, just know when to let go, when to correct, and when to go the fuck off.
6. The hurt Mary J. is better than the happy Mary J.
5. Sex is extremely overrated, Intimacy is underrated. If you find both - marry that motherfucker.
4. Religion is extremely comedic, if you take it too serious then you're in a cult.
3. Coffee is good for 6hrs after brewing.
2. Never be ashamed to work towards a better you. Do what you want to make your life, the life you want. I don't know what's after this, but I damn sure am trying to get it right on this go `round.
1. Take nothing for granted and don't take everything given. You'll know when is the right time to do which.

Move(me)nt

2010-06-22T12:06:00.001-04:00

I open my mouth to bring about change
Stuck on repeat I find myself lost in the scrabble
Trying to reach those who are like me
My peers
I see the lies that you feed them
And I shake my head as I watch them
Eat it all right up

Damn

Suffering children everywhere I turn
Hit Power on the remote and I see it
On the screen
BP's taken over CNN
But rivers in Africa have the same issue
Blind eye turned
Not breaking new unless it's affecting you

The superior

All I have are my words
My verbs hold no result
So I resolve to not speak at all
Just linger around and wait for the time
When the world will change

When my children will not know the word complexion
And the weight that it holds in this country
Stares will be because of the deed
Not the color of the skin

You live where? How can you afford that?

We're not all on welfare
Section 8 is nothing but a wall built by you
Capturing us all behind those doors
Contain them
Why?

Their scared

There's no need to enslave us with chains
They've done so mentally
Stuck on perms and pedicures to look American
America means White
African-American hyphenated
Definition of second class

Caste system in it's own way
Yet we go overseas to create the same atmosphere

So with these words
I refuse to conform
What if one day I want to wear my hair nappy
Sport my tribal colors
Quote Nikki Giovanni
And preach like my boy Malcolm

Will you stop me for disturbing the peace
Or will you bash me down and take a piece of me
My freedom
Doesn't equate to yours

I'll never be completely able to reach the exponent of myself
Radical signs will additively leave me with a divide
Subtract the madness in my quotient
Never to determine a positive result

Zer(0) for the stats

Census coming to knock on my door
"Be heard so that you can be counted"
"Just 5mins of your time"
Don't you have all that I am?
Bookmarked, noted

Myspace is on CNN again
Facebook removed the Privacy of friendship
Yahoo turned me invisible
AIM has me idle

Headline: Library of Congress to bookmark Twitter

Tomorrow I'll probably wake to two men in suits
Or this site will no longer exist
Because I wish to invoke my (1)irst Amendment rights

Freedoms were secondary in this country
Added in at the end of the Constitution
Always struck me odd

Open your ears
Close your eyes
Only then will you see the truth
(Ex)posed

I feel naked on stage
All eyes on me

&So I Cut My Hair.

2010-06-16T14:15:00.000-04:00

And if anyone wants to compare, I didn't have a picture of anyone in my mind. What happened was I cut the sides of my hair Sunday night, after smoking a little and sipping a little, and I was encourage by Love, who was also a little under the influence. And thus I had to make the best of what was left. I don't even mind it though. It makes me feel one step closer to self.

-Ace.
[9] till (21).

SI: Poetry

2010-06-14T19:43:00.002-04:00

I used love writing poems

I guess that’s cause I was in love with the game

Illustrated in my verbaility

To chase the words around

And always come out on top

I was fascinated by language

Engrossed in imagery

And could hyperbolize anything too much

Alliteration left me in ellipses

I just wanted to escape

Broaden my horizon to kick start my life

To a better place

Now it seems like everytime I turn on the radio

Someones stolen my line

It’s kinda funny cause

I thought that I’d be touring with my rhymes

Meant to happen this way I assume

I try to write down my thoughts

But the pink margins don’t leave much room

The beginning of the end

I feel like I’m always in last place

I have this sense of urgency with my life

Still I’m losing this race

My heart is taken but it’s beating slowly

But when I think about the end

I get suicidal daydreaming of being lonely

Don’t want this to go wrong

Never had to choice to go right

I’m ambidextrous by nature

Spoiled by natural ability

I try to live my life leisurely

Then they say I procrastinate

I fuck myself over

Kind of messy when you masturbate

Seeing myself now I don’t know who I am

Time flew by and now it’s ready to land

Words used to come to me

But now they just flee my grasp

Holding on to so much

Still I know I’m holding back

Behind the mic was the most comfortable I ever been

Realized I was just an act for a blue-eyed audience

Came back to where I started

Like I always do

Repeatedly not getting no where

Defying the elements of grammar

Double negative trying to get to ground zero

Poetry keep me under lock and key

Just looking for a window

Inside Out.

2010-06-02T14:16:00.000-04:00

to have to start all over, again &again &again - it's like WTF to the maximum. my life wasn't supposed to be like this, i wasn't supposed to be like this. i'm way more intelligent, talented, and determined than most ; but i don't understand why the people who try the hardest get the least out of life. i wasn't one of my generation, one to not even consider the chances, i actually STUDIED the chances, i argued against the stereotypes &+ i made a fool out of the statistics. now i'm at the bottom of a settled cup with all the pulp, while the fruit of the juice rises above. i'm thirsty, and i don't even want to drink.

this wasn't supposed to be me. 21 in a few weeks &not even near done with college, hell i'm back at the starting line; i took so many wrongturns|shortcuts that it got me no where. i can't balance the things that i used to be able to manage all at the same time. i'm losing it, in the worse way. i used to have this confidence about myself, i knew i was the shit, i got used to the flies around me. i was gaining education, performing everywhere and had flocks of people attracted to me. now i'm at rock bottom, and the last two i don't even care about, i'm good enough for self, but i'm not good enough to succeed anymore.

everyone keeps telling me you've got time, you can make it better, you can finish just put in the work where it's needed. other people became my focus, even through the lies they called support, i just wanted to make them happy. those who used to be in my circle, are now standing outside the bend, yelling at me &shaking their heads with disassociation. i'm at rock bottom and i aint even addicted to shit.

it's not a matter of not wanting to do it ; it's a matter of it not being on my to-do list. when life throws you lemons you make lemonade, but when life throws you molded lemons you throw it out - no lemonade for you. i didn't even think i'd be 21 and not have my own, not be on my own, &not be happy. i feel just as miserable as before. i feel alone.

nobody but nobody can make it out here on their own.

i don't have the determination i had before. there's no pretty picture hanging over the horizon, there's no end to this madness. i just want the madness to stop. i just want things to be okay, as they used to be. i'm tired of fighting yo. this is a 4corner match, and i've already been knocked out ; there's not much more i can give to win this. this doesn't have anything to do with the superficial things in life, or the things that are supposed to make one happy. because when the other things around you are falling apart, that one thing will eventually crumble as well. i've been changing my ways for what? it's just changes - not progress. there's a difference. i always thought my life to be progressive, everything i've ever worked for has fallen apart, nothing i reaped is sowing. n o t h i n g . so what am i doing?

there's no positives in any of this. there's no happiness inside. i'm hollowed out. and if i'm just existing why be living? why be here? to write pretty poems for people and photoshop pictures for websites? to not have a family, to not have friends, to not have anything in this populated world, i feel so alone. is this how death feels? when you're diagnosed with notice that you're going to die? i feel dead. i feel lost. i feel like the scum between god's toes. as Love always says, if there is a God, He must hate me. cause this is the life i have.

there's no btching about it, nothing to man-up to. there's nothing to swallow, no correct steps to take. i don't know where i'm going, don't know what i'm doing, but this mask is cracking quickly. and i don't even give a fuck.

Life & Rhymes.

2010-05-25T09:08:00.000-04:00

If you know me, you know that I am one of the biggest `Ye heads ever. I been on him, before the Taylor Swift gig. I was a fan of his producing, his pre[sense). He has this love for the beat, the 808 &bass. A lot of his music has the harsh mix of funk and soul, but he flows over with such a concrete rhythm. So when people tell me that hip-hop is dead, I always cause conflict.

People shut Kanye down so strong and heavy when he was trying to come up on the scene. I mean they hit him with everything, cause &effect. I write this as if I’m some sort of biographer of him. And though I know a lot of (wiki]factual information about `Ye; I know in truth &honesty, I’m just a fan.

But I respect him for the craft that he has turned into a masterpiece. He went from producing tracks for the biggest artist in the world, to measuring up to be one of the biggest personas in the world. Internationally toured, globally listened to. I hear people come out their mouth all the time about `Ye. About how controversial he is, how stylish he is, how he should stick to producing; and I mean to each their own opinion, but I aint tryna hear it. I have a likeness for him because how he came up, where he came up. More than just the Chi-town boy beat.

“More than smoking herb, it was more like spoken word.”

I’m from NY, an added factor is claiming the pride for being the birthplace of hip-hop. No disrespect to my hometown, but we have fallen off &the mid-west finally was what I was bumping to when I w.o.k.e. up. I don’t know the last fresh to death track I’ve heard that’s come outta NY (unless you count Diggy Simmons, though he resides in Jersey, but even he’s still on the rise].

Kanye developed his rap career as a spoken word artist would prepare for an open mic. All he wanted was to catch their ears, now he has our hearts. I follow everything that Kanye does, not to be some sort of paparazzi|groupie ; but to see what’s coming next. He’s viciously talented, but his style isn’t for everyone. I really feel like he’s ahead of his time, ahead of this time. I think I go so hard for Kanye because I realize his struggle, I feel his hustle, &I really appreciate what he’s brought to the table.

Though this whole piece was sprung from the morning glory of “Life & Rhymes of Kanye West”, an MTV documentary, which is some years old, Donna West is featured; my peers &those alike don’t have significant basis for what they listen to. The subliminal messages lead them to take on subliminal lives. Whereas I don’t want to be the next `Ye, I don’t want to be in that starlight. But music is a piece of culture. It’s a staple in the time capsule. I believe that Kanye West is definitely a good capture to have, we don’t have too much good music. God forbid if they look at our TV series from this era, because we’ve gone way down down down, pass MJB. But something like `Ye? Impactful.

TGIF.

2010-05-21T14:06:00.001-04:00

Who remembers that show|series from ABC (I think)... it had it's own little song too, thank god it's fridayyyyy-ayeeee. Yeah, these kids have no idea what television is &I'm thinking maybe the corps lost the definition as well.
Good Morning America (because your day doesn't begin until you see me).

This is going to be an 'Update Blog' ; I'll semi-let-you-in on what's happening in my life. Let's just say that through all the ups & downs, a dude is still feeling isolated. But as Maya Angelou wrote "Nobody, but nobody can make it out here alone." Seeing as how I know that I am somebody to someone, I therefore can't be a nobody. So many different cliches in my head that I could wordplay that with, but fcuk the playing I'm about to graduate for real.

Life is crazy for me. Working and looking for work. Schooling and trying to get back on track. Loving and being loved. In all the complexities. Lesbians have this issue of living in Lala land. No one plans ahead, no one thinks about the future, they're solely satisfied with the present gift they have. Don't have time for that. I have a future ahead of me, and I hope that SHE will be there with me. I've done this before though, planned things for a singular-dually existence, just for it to crumble apart without notice in front of my face &closest to my heart. I'm trying to keep things at bay, but it's close against my back - we'll see where this leads. Time is the (man)ipulator of all things. Let's see where we go from here.

Today is just a really good day. I kinda spoiled myself, which was long overdue. I'm just going to breathe today, enjoy my weekend that I have off. Get to know myself, so that I can l_ve you better.

As far as the poetry? It's been... funny. Lol, I've been really lazy lately, and the thoughts seem to come to me in 2 places: 1. Bed, when I'm too lazy to go get an iTouch or pen&pad. This results in me whispering in Love's air|ear. And 2. the Shower, where I'm too.... yeah. So maybe I'll invent something that'll let me capture the thoughts. When I was younger that was a dreamcatcher, but in 2010 we need something a little bit more technological.

Invested in some clothes today. Hopefully I'll find the perfect pair of shoes next week. Got my glasses on, call it a fad, I call it image. I fcuked my hairline up in the back of my head, good thing I like fitted caps. Buying a book on drawing &painting, time to explore my other creative endeavors.

Rumors surround me like I live out in Hollywood, but the contrary is always truth. The sh.t you hear about me might be just about half-as real as the person that told it to you. I'm working on s.e.l.f. healing. Isolated or not, I always be okay. I'll survive. Like Gloria Gaynor sang.

It's tuff, but I'm always 10x stronger. Be easy. Peace.

-Ace

Whatcha Say.

2010-05-05T22:28:00.000-04:00

Not all smiles and wishes
Hugs and kisses don't exist in the world I'm in
Madness engulfs me
Sadness circles me like the vulture it is
I search for answers through the haze
Habitually living life in a daze

It's just a phase

Escaping to pull away from the pain
My spirit always a few steps behind
Destiny doesn't heed to my voice
A prisoner to my own world
If only the words could send out a message
S.O.S. come soon

Acting up

Allergies got me sneezing
I guess it's going to be one of those seasons
When things flair up for no reason at all
Clinging to my blanket with an insomniacs race
This marathon nonstop but I'm looking for a break

You're okay

So I just pretend to go along for the ride
Maybe the end is near just not in sight
In spite
Of all the things I've been told and I've done
I'm still lacking that one thing
The string that holds me all together is a mere thread

Gridlock.

2010-04-29T22:58:00.000-04:00

what's happening in the world?
this one claims i'm not listening to her, i am. since i was like 7 i've been saying "i'ma genius, this is why i need to have 30things going on at once, my brain needs to be entertained." if you know me, and most of you think you do; i say a lot of things at once... i have thought orgasms. i think think think &climax... i think i never actually react|act.period to a lot of the things i think about. then i get this label of being lazy. i'm not lazy, i'm just so overactive that it leaves me unactive. does that make sense? it does in my head. but the madness always makes sense to the creator, maybe that's how this universe began, as a simple idea. i think so - just be the dialog of every "creation" story... it's an idea that spurts into this big thing. but then the religious fcuks come in &overtake it to the next level, to some shit that wasn't even intention, and it becomes religion. hypothesis succeeds.
anyhow, moving has been the greatest step i've ever taken. though many think it's a mistake, i think they need to take it for what i've been missing. (ooo that wordplay is fierce, ha]. just the environment is more welcoming &safer than i've ever felt before, and trust, as brooklyn as i get - i've lived in the suburbs of a black hole, always looked over my shoulder. here it's completely different. things are just different. when you are someone where they can't control the hype about you, and your being an entertainer, that's cool &all, but like erykah badu said "i'm an artist, and i'm sensitive about my shit." that's how i feel, i don't want to be a showmaker, i want to be a soulshaker. i want to touch you where you've never been touched before. sounds like raping... kinda sorta want to have that effect on you. be in awe, be amazing, g.o.d. i am.
i start tons of projects, my one major 'success' story still exists though it was ripped away from me by the system (welcome to america], many others departed from me when i broke away from individuals that used me &abused me &fcuked me in 7different ways... and then there's the current road blockage that's gridlocked inside my head, and i'm trying to get it in gear. let's put this btch in drive.
don't sleep on me, please. i'm like a ninja, assassinating plenty behind the scenes. once i have the money to make the moves, i'ma be gone. and you'll never knew i was even there. that's the type of roads i take. the freeway, because the highway keeps you low to the ground. i'm all about movement, all about getting it together, once it's got, it's on to the next. my soul is that of a certain type, and that's one that will never be satisfied.

peace,

Fireside Chat.

2010-04-23T14:03:00.001-04:00

o2.19.2o1o.

Rolling Stone.

2010-04-22T15:04:00.000-04:00

The raindrops fall and nestle between the soil
Seeping into their spots of asphalt
I compare this to the love I have
Splattered against the ground I've been pulled to rock bottom
By an element that only exists on a emotionology vocab list
Four letters
Three words
Two beings
Us

As wonderful as thunder rolling across the clouds
Sunshine vouyering in between the light windows
A glow stroke each treetop as if to frame the excitement
Natural and pure a divine gift wrapped in dew

Drizzle me in your excrements
Interpret my words in exchangement for verbs
And let them drip against my skin
Brushing away the scars of past falls

The tapping of droplets on the gutter of my mind
Riveting into a trail of bliss
The splash causes a ripple that delivers beautiful creation
Shower me in your delight

This scent tingles my nostrils
A reminder of the kiss you dab my lips with
And I crumble underneath the skyline

Rhetoric.

2010-04-08T00:52:00.001-04:00

I've been slacking on the poetry note. I don't have much for inspiration, I could write love poems but it seems like that just leads me in circles. I've come to find that my best poetry comes freestyled. The problem with that is lacking a camera, I can't shape-up a poem -- it's like lost content. And that's never good.Now people say I'm really good. But I am finding myself struggling to get a mere sentence on the line before I'm erasing and started again. Sucks because I need to write. The mental cloud is hanging over my head. What am I waiting for I scream to myself. Maybe I should format as I do during shows. Pick different words and incorporate them into separate pieces. I don't know how that would work. I ever resorted to grabbing a pen &putting it to the pad, still nothing comes. Maybe Ill call this book Hard Pressed. Free press is only valuable if you can use it, I don't have as easy of an access. It's saddening to me when I can't write. It's like seeing yourself falling head first over the handle bars and still trying to reach for the brakes instead of bracing for the fall. Shitty day. I need to get it together. I don't like the academic way of writing because structure sucks. Maybe I'll write 100 haiku's... those are fun and easy. Often leading to something else. This blog is full of questions &I'll get it together. Just had to vent.

Ignore this.

Where The Wild Things Are

2010-04-02T12:58:00.001-04:00

It's lovely outside today. I'm kinda ashy... Right, so as I sit out here on the balcony enjoying the sound of the creek rushing, the birds chirping, and squirrels playing chase Im hit with the painstaking realization that being a creative soul isn't all nuts &berries. Meaning that there's the stereotypical lifestyle of artists vs. reality. And reality is the (real)ization that everyone doesn't see the things that I see.
When I was taking my photography courses, I would take pictures that caught my eye, caught a sight I would love to see. But when shown to my professor, she merely looked at the frames, nodded, and walked to the next student. I felt insignificant and/or incorrect at times. My pride and mind told me that my pictures were just as great, if not better than Sarah's or Joe's" ; but I did not get that from my professor.
My senses are off the normal chart, my imagination takes me for rides. Sometimes I get so scared of myself because I know what's real but I feel the actual. It's like watching yourself in a dream and feeling everything, hearing every thought, seeing it from 1st and 3rd person. I live a waking dream.
Currently society and it's responsibility clause has got the best of me. Supposedly I live on the Land of the Free but I feel trapped in the tells of what I have to do. I guess free means 'free-will' in America. I mean, you can do whatever you want freely but will you be able to handle the consequences of doing so. I guess I define free differently.

"If I’m really brilliant, like others sometimes tell me, how come nobody acts like I’m valuable? Maybe I’m just a pebble that’s been lied to since childhood." (-Gloria Szabo)

My peers and everyone alike are stuck on being an 'artist'. But they have no idea the pain, insomnia, and dissatisfaction you carry by being a creative mind. You give the best of you always and never ever reach the climax. Like fucking but never having an orgasm.
Trust me, if I could be the average Sarah or Joe, and just live life minimalistically, I'd sign-up right now. Shed these words in my head, stop the paranoid jumping from sounds unreal, and keep my heart from pacing so heavy. My life is running like a marathon, and I'm always one step behind.

peace,

M.I.A.

2010-03-12T15:29:00.000-05:00

Sorry, I know I'm lacking on the posts. Life is a bitch, tryna keep her from being a widow. Working on a lot of side projects but my #1 is getting my own website together. So look for that to be premiering soon. Keep It 100.

peace,

-$$$.

I'm G.O.D.

2010-02-11T22:30:00.002-05:00

yo! -
currently, i'm resting in Upstate NY trying to get my artwork together. as you can see (below) i'm doing a show out here next friday (o2/19/1o) it's going to be something like a interview w| me, &also i'll be performing some officially new pieces. they'll be fresh &yes, i will be recording. (i promise]. so i'd appreciate the l_ve, if you can come, more than welcome to attend; inspiration i'm always seeking for, &anything -- a text, IM, comments... just you know, hit me up. l_ve is l_ve.

life is crazy, global warming is in full effect. blizzards all over, white house can't even get vehicles off the premises. i been trying to tell y'all. it's only cold up here, but it's that dry cold, world is tuff. school is eye-opening but my heart is still being settled. i'm making moves to move. i still feel really accomplished though for taking that first step to start on the path of m.y. life, &no others. so regardless of the obstacles and the tears that fall -- i'm in here, (like swimwear].

i'm falling in love with being behind the lens. i see things in a whole different perspective. i don't like to refer to myself as an artist, just a kid of a searching generation.

“The artist is not a person endowed with free will who seeks his own ends, but one who allows art to realize its purposes through him. As a human being he may have moods and a will and personal aims, but as an artist he is ‘man’ in a higher sense — he is ‘collective man,’ a vehicle and molder of the unconscious psychic life of mankind."

learning never stops, that's a promise. you can never get tired of gaining knowledge, considering myself as G.O.D. (gaining one's definition). it seems like everytime i get right, life turns me for the wrong. burying another family member next week, just put a friend to rest two weekends ago. it's a way to wake up, and realize this is why i wear my heart on these short sleeves. sketchbook+red pen, red headphones in the ears &red+black bookbag... if you see me, speak. respect, keep it 1oo.

different me? -- i guess so. sometimes i wish i could go back to my evil ways, but i'm pass that. growth, understanding, and movement. change is the only constant in this world. i'm feeling removed from this planet, like i belong to another realm. most likely i do, she does call me A.L.I.E.N.

peace, -will.i.ams

tumblr. || twitter.

email me: thatpoetace@aim.com

RIP Aunt Punch o2.1o.1o

A FireSide Chat

2010-02-05T18:23:00.003-05:00

A FireSide Chat

&Various Acts

Friday, Feb. 19, 2010

@ Thornberrys Restaurant

For More Information Email Me: thatpoetace@aim.com

Subject: Topics.

2010-01-15T12:21:00.003-05:00

If all I wrote about was heartbreak, unrequited love, fulfilling love, romance, and passion, more people would read my writing. But that’s not all I write about because there is fucking more to life than that. There’s also art, nature, puppies, babies, old people, relatives, friends, good times, bad times, parties, hangovers, shit days, boredom, depression, memories, feelings of being burnt out, lonely, pathetic, apathetic, indifferent, sad, or happy, genuinely not giving a shit about people’s opinion, or being overwhelmed by it, or, au contraire, en-liberated by it, and a million other things. And if I limited my subjects to romance, I would limit myself -which is what you do if, in fact, romance is all you focus on in your life. So there’s that. I mean it’s cute and all, and obviously you’re a teenager or a young adult and you’re wrapped up in all that, but really, it often kind of sucks for your family and friends when that’s your major priority.

Backdrop America.

2010-01-12T14:38:00.001-05:00

as a twenty yr old homosexual female living in the empire state, i believe that i have the most boxed in reality to live in. not to mention that i'm of mixed ethnicity (like most of my generation &+ the post.growing). i find myself struggling between what my options are to check, and what i actually am. i mean if i allowed myself to be determined by America's prescribed analysis i'd be considered African-American. never knocking the beauty of being Black, (which is a correlating but not thematic issue of this post) the truth of the matter is i am so ever confused on not who i am, but more so, how i can be who i am, backdrop America.
i was raised all over the place, uprooted &+ destabilized by two young parents both recent HS graduates, living with their parents, &+ on two different trains of thought. my mother, a lightskin 19yr old at the time, attaining to be a grammar school teacher, resided in the Miller St home of my great-great Aunt, who was strict in her Alabama Southern Baptist ways. paired with my 20yr old darkskin father, who was of Islamic faith, living between the streets &+ the home of my humble Methodist grandmother. and that's just the basis of my conception, i've been raised, or "brought-up", by many peoples that walks adifference. i fail to give you ethnic titles for my parents because they are both mixed, it would be a ridiculous percentage count. i stick to the majorities: dominican, west indian, italian, and black.
the question of my sexuality does not exist, (adhere to old posts where i address those concerns). i have lived all over, dubbing myself "suburban raised-inner city schooled." because i move around so much a friend of mines deemed me "the roamer". reveling myself to Christ at times, living in all walks of life.
how then, complicated in detail, simplistically written, can i be boxed in to what this Americanized idea, and ideal, is of "Black". i guess the most basic manner to explain this is to understand that being Black In America means to ultimately be unequal, lesser in humanization, or any other darkened term to suggest still to the institutionalized separation of thought.
even more perplexing is how do i escape this footprint tagging of negativity &+ downplay of existence. i understand why youths alike myself in age come down to the basic mentality of "this is how they see me (anyhow) so why not get the most out of it, live it out to the fullest." with mainstream America, both in media &+ in the masses, looking on (or down) on all Black and Latino persons to never be accepted anywhere, &+ not to mention the genocide being permitted by not only the external forces (ie: police, politics, and prison), but by the staggering amount of Black-on-Black tragedy, "the limit is the sky" becomes the gates of our livelihood.
i find myself trapped, caged in. relying on the sanity|self-awareness i find in poetry, art, music, and education to not lost myself &+ blur into wasted potential. but rightly so, i would be a liar if i was to say i wasn't worried about my peers. i see the madness, the lies presented as the truth that's fed to them, and i sit beside them and watch as feast-like they sit there &+ eat it all up. i'm wondering if there's a way for me to change the content, or at least change the choice of content.
the more i read the likes of Cornel West, Maya Angelou, Michael Eric Dyson (the populous of the shelf) and listen to Talib Kweli, Immortal Technique, Binary Star; the more i find "real" &+ knowing what's considered "real". if i was to spit those names out to any my age, 98% would not know who i was referring to, replacing with the likes of SouljaBoi, 50 Cent, and other autotuned photoshop corporate owned dummies.

"self-esteem yo we forgot the dream

on our Jefferson's y'all but we forgot the theme"

-Common, Be

what i write is what many think, at least at one point, but it is in that prime freshness that we have to grab hold of the mental &+ change this cycle of degradance. can't be done overnight &+ won't be down over(air)waves - America benefits too much off of "Black", "ghetto" stereotypes the revolution has to be internal, has to rise from the community. when you settle for less, you get less than what you settled for. we're not settled, but we're settling; take the anger out on the opponent. not the proponent who's trying to do the same as you.

am i suffering from an identity crisis? nah, i know me. i'm just suffering from the afflictions inflicted upon me by America &+ being left out there in the cold. i find a home within myself, i maintain myself, self is safety. because the streets are unforgiving and the suburbs are unforgetting.

No Two Alike.

2010-01-06T14:34:00.001-05:00

looking at them, you'd think that every snowflake is the same
there's the Zen-like response
"no two alike"

but who &+ how exactly would we know
i guess it's more so along the lines of
the definition of alike &+
the type of snowflake you're examining;
there's 3 types of snow flakes.

&the smallest ones, nano flakes, : can be exactly alike. ; it's so small that in quantum physics it's the basic molecule, therefore its the biological replication that causes it to look alike.

&small snow crystals: can look alike ; w| this definition however you're looking at a composition of snow crystals that look similar therefore concluding that the entire crystal is similar &/or "alike".

&large complex flakes: are complexly different ; it's like posing a mathematical question of how many different ways can you arrange 15 different books on a bookshelf. well you'd have to figure out the 15 different ways to put the books on the shelf multiply that by the # of shelves = the totaling combination. ; replace that with the molecular structure of snowflakes &+ whala, you have your complexity of appearance.

what does this mean to me?
i don't know, i guess if you compare the simplicity of snowflakes
being a simple pretty white crystal falling from the sky
you can replace the variable with different things in life
love, music, tears, food...
is anything really alike?

the definition &type changes the playing field
the blanketing of assimilation inTHOUGHT
forces us to believe that our subjective point of view
is the same for those that we are viewing objectively

concluding inFACT that thus,
no two things biologically are exactly the same.
&+ then well... you break it down.

realization v. resolution

2009-12-19T10:15:00.000-05:00

2010; it's time. new decade - new change.

final final.

2009-12-18T03:11:00.002-05:00

in about 8hrs i will take my final final of 2009 &my final final at daemen college. - that feels really good to say (type). it's settled in with my friends on campus that i really wasn't coming back to daemen this time. i've been saying it for about a year, &this semester... i really found the determination to follow through with my words. i am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason". i'm not trippin' about any of my finals, friends, or foes that i've made this year. i've had some really good times here. &i've had some bad. but all in all, college is the best experience of your life (or so they say). i mean what other time in your life are your parents going to pay thousands of dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get wasted every night?.... point proven.

this semester was one of a lot of realizations for me. i've grown as a person, more patient &more understanding of what i want in life, and my capabilities to achieve them if i'm focused on my fulfilling my potential. learned that friendships no matter how old can fall apart or simmer to an end for atypical reasons. after 3yrs noticed that if i do papers over a span of time instead of last minute they come out better. laughed because i thought the recession was a lie, till dudes were getting fired from workstudy. finally got that one dick of a professor who just shits on your life &thinks he's pericles of campus. & i've come to know that not everyone has common courtesy.

to answer the #2 question, (#1 is always: is your FB status true? you really aren't coming back?) i'm dropping outta school, moving back home with my mama, settle down, have a couple kids, &i'ma get on welfare.... LMAO, i jk! if i ever, lawd, ya'll really aint shit for letting it happen. - i'm going home, taking art &photography classes at one of the local colleges, then transferring out to a more art geared school. i only have 1semester to do this. that is my personal &professional deadline. -- again, i believe everything happens for a reason. on top of taking FT classes, i'll be working at my mums job in the mailroom, getting paid $9/hr to sort mail dealing with federal student loans.

i begin at the end. i know where i want to end up, i then go back and figure out how to get there. it works extremely well. i keep it 100, my mums paying $1,000 a month for me to go here &i'm taking all electives. i'm unhappy &cold. i'm a habitual hermit here. this is my 3rd yr &i feel no closer than to success than i did when i walked across proctorHIGH stage. &i'm scared as hell; i admit this.

i'm going back to the beginning with the determination to come out on top at the end.
-- everything happens for a reason. daemen, i'll always be your 6th man. peace &love.

Plagiarism.

2009-12-14T19:52:00.002-05:00

dear professor hammer,
i can't help that i am gifted with the talent of writing. that being said, your redINK accusing me of plagiarism leaks through the page to my eyes. i can't bullshit words - so idk what you want me to do, but i will not erase my words because you don't believe i hold the knowledge, which is an oxymoron because i am enrolled in a class (taught BY you) that covered this area of art. that being said, i have replied to every underline where you question my citation. i have no citation, unless you want to see "Williams, pg. mind".

art history paper due by midnight .

(see what happens Dave? BS.)

Word.

2009-12-14T12:54:00.000-05:00

“Advice? I don’t have advice. Stop aspiring and start writing. If you’re writing, you’re a writer. Write like you’re a goddamn death row inmate and the governor is out of the country and there’s no chance for a pardon. Write like you’re clinging to the edge of a cliff, white knuckles, on your last breath, and you’ve got just one last thing to say, like you’re a bird flying over us and you can see everything, and please, for God’s sake, tell us something that will save us from ourselves. Take a deep breath and tell us your deepest, darkest secret, so we can wipe our brow and know that we’re not alone. Write like you have a message from the king. Or don’t. Who knows, maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who doesn’t have to.”

— Alan Watts

pet peeve.

2009-12-13T18:40:00.001-05:00

When people find out that I’ma vegetarian they feel the need to access my lifestyle. I get told constantly that the reason that I am so tiny is because I don’t eat meat. When in actuality, I’m healthier since I don’t eat meat. I just felt my insides clogging anything I ate meat and was on a track to high cholesterol, diabetes, and heart disease (IMO). 2yrs ago I eliminated meat from my regimen. I never ate meat as a child, I was a “picky eater”, so it wasn’t hard. Anyhow now I only eat fish occasionally (because I’m allergic to seafood), and take vitamins to makeup for the nutritional supplements.

Still, 2yrs later, the only people who doesn’t nag me about it is my mum, my girlfriend, and Neke. Pretty much everyone else that I see on a daily basis, college friends &family when I’m home, they have something to say. It’s annoying. I don’t need you to read the menu for me &tell me what I can have. Complain that I’m trying to be “white” because I don’t eat meat.
[Or any other nonsense.]

Most recent one? - I was at dinner, I got a jalapeno vegg wrap &a plate of fries. Shelly asked me if I was a veg, I responded yeah…(she knows but forgets until I’m eating around her, and then she clicks like a switch). Then chick we were sitting with goes into this discussion:

“You dont eat meat?” - “Nah.” - “How long you been a vegetarian?” - “Like 2yrs now…?” - “Oh okay.” - “Why not?” - “Cause I don’t like the way it feels, like the texture.” - ….”Can I ask you something?” - “Okay…?” - “You like girls right?” - “Yeah…?” - “You eat the puss right?” - LOL,”Yeah.” - “So you’re not technically a veg.”

WTF you mean technically?! Lemme just say for the record.
The day that I can buy pussy from the meat case or frozen section of a store, is the day that me being a lesbian concludes my choice of being a vegetarian. But until then?
I can date chicks, and not eat chickens.

offTOP explanation.

2009-12-10T21:06:00.002-05:00

Emotions are raw &therefore vulnerable to infection, &once that infection is in your system it's hard to get rid of. you may choose to get vaccinated, but that doesn't mean your body is strong enough to build up a defense -- &the biggest questionable susceptible infection we all are weak to is love.

Epiphany.

2009-12-10T17:54:00.003-05:00

My mentor asked me a few weeks ago "Did you ever think about this - Who are you writing to?"... I've been thinking about this, on &off, I get into it deep with myself... I brush it off... I ask it to other writer friends of mines... to see if their answers hold an answer similar to what I've been searching for. Some satisfaction, so I can go to him &have a discussion with him, some approval or just an answer. But I have come up with none &anyone I have asked, has not come up with an answer.

"And then it comes to me, like an epiphany."

I'm not writing to anyone. I'm not directing my words; be it poetry, blogs, texts, IMs, or statuses to anyone. I'm writing them for someone. The ability of words to change a persons perspective on a situation, the way for words to cleanse the soul... there's a reason why people have a thing for melodies &quotes. There's a familiarization and comfort in the words we find. We can affiliate and associate through words. We can spark wars over words. We can dismiss feelings and emotions in words. We can make money in words. Beliefs in entirety are born from words. Words are power.

So I write for someone. For myself, for my love, for my family, for my friend, for a poet, for a foe, for a professor - for you Dave. I write. It's not so much a hobby, it's an questionable need, more than a habit, an addiction. If I do nothing else, I will write. I will write because it is all I know, and by me knowing to write, I know so much more in characters I build myself. Integrating myself structurally through the sculpting of the various forms of word; the smallest free form, an item that may be uttered in isolation with semantic or pragmatic content, in a language, in contrast to a morpheme, which is the smallest unit of meaning.

I find content in my content.

Ask Me.

2009-12-06T20:33:00.000-05:00

So I know I've been slacking on the blogosphere lately. It's partly my fault, but mostly lack of inspiration. I don't have much to write about. I'm also going to be changing this blog up a bit in the coming weeks. Anyhow - I've open this blog up for people to ask me questions, as well as tell me anything that you'd want me to write about.

You can do this by Comment or by Email. I will get back to every request ASAP. *Peace
thatpoetace@aim.com

FCUKYOU.

2009-12-04T10:23:00.000-05:00

dearASSHOLE that broke into my mothers car,

i wish you thee WORSE. i don’t care how bad you felt you needed it or why you felt the need to do it, my mum is single with 6children, including a 3yr & 1yr old. she works hard for everything we have &bends over backwards for us. you took not only belongings but all her ID &bank cards. you dumb fucking fuck. it is actions like yours that makes me lose hope &trust in society. man knows no good- so basically this is a big FUCK YOU,
FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.

I.O.U.

2009-12-02T01:46:00.002-05:00

I feel like I honestly owe you guys something of essence. I've been selfish with myself lately, and I've been what some call ''melancholy.'' In all honesty, a lot of sht happens to me - &I don't mean that in any cliche way. At the same time that I feel like I owe you guys something - I have nothing to give. Not that I have writers block or anything, my thoughts are constantly flowing... but for better or worse terms; they escape me. I need a mind-scripter. Someone who will jot down every thought that I have &save it in some archival form because I need space for the new stuff that's coming in so I quickly lose the old. So I don't know where to begin, I don't know what to write about. For those questioning if I'm depressed because of my 'blue' blogs lately, I'm actually not. I've just come to the realization that talking about death &thinking about death - isn't that bad after all. &Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live. So I figure I'll just get this over with now... And deal with the living in the later. I'll try better, I let a blog go once... Like let it shtFLOP, it won't happen again. I'll start writing my thoughts down on loose leaf... on napkins... on candy wrappers if I have to &I'll blog about them. I feel like I should share, I have something to say. I just don't know how to say it.

[sideBAR|: to all the writers that I am friends with, those that I know personally &virtually - I am thankful for you guys. through you guys I learn &even though I am in school, if I got an education I would lack knowledge. so I just wanted to say that, every person that follows me &has a blog? I check your stuff out, I try to follow all my followers especially. If you want me to read over something of yours, for opinion or editing, just email it my way, and I promise you I will give you feedback.]

With all being said,I'll do a quick catchUP - there's 8ight more days of class, and then finals week. i'll be roaming between boston &theCITY for all of winter break. i'm not returning to daemen next semester. i've been thinking about introducing chicken back into my regimen. i want to become religious again, but then again i don't think i can stop my blasphemous ways. i ran outta chocolate. &i'm divorcing my family until 2o1o.

I'll be around.
&UnLike Tupac, I don't get around.
But like Lauryn, I get out.

You're Just A Phase.

2009-11-30T20:09:00.002-05:00

Call it women's intuition, but I think I'm onto something here. Temporaryism has been the black plague and the Jesus of our age. I know I must sound opinionated, maybe biased and quite possibly jaded. But sooner than later they'll be throwing quarters at you on stage

Who are you? When will you be through?

Yea it's just a phase...it will be over soon

A Good Death.

2009-11-19T20:21:00.002-05:00

Lately a lot of things in my life have been screaming "death" to me. Dreams, I've seen myself in the stranger of situations - dying or staring at death. I call them bad dreams, not nightmares; my night doesn't mirror my light days. This year has been full of tragedy. My family has suffered, my friends have lost, a recession taking toll on life. In Philosophy class Monday we discussed proxies and living wills and watched a movie on a woman who had what I deemed as the perfect ending of life. She was told how long she had to live with cancer, she had time to create memories &say goodbye... She figured out how to die "A Good Death."

For weeks I have held on to a book by Mitch Albom called "Tuesdays with Morrie - an old man, a young man, & life's greatest lesson." There's many anecdotes and quotes I could write but I'd rather you read something other than the norm. I began this book at 1130 this morning, I believe it'll be finished by that time tomorrow morning. The need to continue to turn the pages is between the lines of Morrie's answers. He isn't able to live but he is not yet dead - so he is somewhere in between. We all know we're going to die, we just don't believe it. Fact.

We all have this belief that when we die, the world will stop, everyone will be made aware of our passing, and it will be the most important occurrence in the world. However, we all have attended a funeral &have lost a loved one. How we handled it for that individual, will be how they handle ours. That is reality, it is normal action.

Why am I writing this? When death occurs we have this feeling, for a few days we are hit with the reality of death. We make these promises, these vows, our of fear of not living a fulfilled life. But we eventually, and often sooner than later, get caught back up in societies blur. As long as there is something to do, we feel the need to do it. So with the creation of better technology, the lack of social interaction, how are we really advancing?

The key to living is loving. The difference between a career and a job. A fling and a partner. We love those that we enjoy life through and with. We aren't taught to love, we are taught to do what it takes to gain riches. We are taught "right from wrong". Generic in terms &useless in life, especially when you look at the sum of all things. If we do not have happiness in life, we will live in unhappiness. Miserable and mangled.

Death is a reality, a reality that needs to be seen in the ''real'' world. Truth be told, I'm not afraid to die - I am afraid of being forgotten. I am afraid of the day I do die because I know that I will only be a mere object to everyone's lives, it will not honestly matter if I was ever here or not.... that is if that is how I want it to be. Photo's, journals, letters; all ways we try to steal a little out of deaths suitcase. When in actuality if we just start with living, we'd get a lot more out of life, leaving less for us to pack up when death comes. And it will, we know it will, we just don't believe it.

Measured Perfectly.

2009-11-10T01:00:00.002-05:00

she tells me that she's not perfect
but if she only noticed that the antonym it[self]
is an alteration of word place - imperfection;
im perfection.

&no, she may not be perfect
but her flaws construct the line that
methodically draws momentum of an on screen
pulsation; she runs through me

she enters me, leaves me weak at my knees
&makes it hard to breathe.
it's almost as if i've been overtaken by her presence
but not possessed; still i am her possession
i belong to her as if i'm her sixth sense

i've longed for her touch ever since
well, like this ellipsis
[dot dot dot]

telling stories of life &l_ve
that would tear the notebook apart
becoming something so divine that hancocks alcoholism
cannot [over]stand our intoxication
she's my perfect drug

chemically measured in the right amount
if there is such a thing as an overdose on good
mmm. . .take me higher love

take me somewhere
i don't care where it is
as long as it's with you

that's my heaven, my paradise.
my eternal bliss & blurr of perfection.

No Gender.

2009-11-04T20:11:00.002-05:00

Recently I have been thinking about gender boxes, and how one is basically shoved into a box. If you don't identify as a female anymore? That means you're transitioning into a male. Don't want to use female pronouns? Ok male pronouns then. Seems that it's difficult to stay somewhere in the middle... and the mainstream seem to not want to have to deal with something as strange as neutral pronouns, and the thought of maybe not identifying as either genders. I've noticed a pattern too, that if a female bodied person says they are genderqueer, people assume that they will only want to express themselves in a masculine way... which I think is kinda crappy. I sometime feel this pressure to ONLY express myself in a masculine way, and while I do mostly only want to wear "masculine" clothes and be flat chested etc, I keep in mind that this is how I feel right now, one day I might want to prettify myself and go out in a dress but I hesitate to do so, because of the fear that people would then doubt and question my gender identity and think that me in a dress somehow invalidates my identity.

As I stepped away from the female gender box, I felt the pull toward the male gender box. Some people started using masculine pronouns for me, and male terms, I at first found it curious, exciting, and fun, but over time, I've come to the conclusion that the male gender feels just as wrong, if not more. I just end up feeling stuck in yet another box, and it feels as if I am ignoring/denying one aspect of me. I am not completely male, nor am I completely female. I like being able to express myself however I want on whatever day, and I am realizing more and more that I like being as androgynous as possible right now as it gives me a lot of freedom to go either way, it's nice having that freedom.

I guess, ultimately I prefer everything to be neutral. Neutral pronouns [ze/hir/they/their], neutral terms [ie: elf, dude -yes that's neutral to me-, person, individual, etc], and there's some female terms I am okay with, such as sister, daughter, mostly family related stuff though because that's what I am to my family and I am okay with it, and it feels more right than brother or son. I am starting to think that also, in society in general, I am okay with being seen as female and having female pronouns being used. I can't be bothered to correct people who I don't even care about in the first place. But with friends [and family], I would appreciate the effort to use neutral pronouns/terms. I'm trying hard to not shove myself into yet another box. I need to remind myself that it's okay to choose to express myself in any way, as a female-bodied genderqueer. So if anyone has been using masculine/feminine terms etc, let's drop it... unless I am in character/drag... which I don't do.

Say Whats Real.

2009-10-25T03:32:00.002-04:00

i wanna say a couple things about Drake. ima try to not go [IN] on things, i just had a couple of thoughts, realizations, &comments towards somethings that im feeling a typa way about. everyone has their own opinions &i dont knock you for that. if you dont like him [ehhhh] thats on you. but think of what are the other choices in hip-hop &look at hip-hops history. Drake is breaking records &still got a real sound to him. seriously. he's a hustler; not on a drug dealer note but just focused on getting what he wants with[OUT] having to do much else.

i have personally been on drake before so far gone, before best i ever had, before "wheelchair jimmy" became a flomp on him. i listened to replacement girl with trey, brand new, -etc. all the mixtape drakes that are only now getting play time due to his current blow up. nahhh, i been listening to drake. &then i was wishing that he would break mainstream. like PLEASE. - just stop.

[1]ne thing i wanna say is if you dont have an opinion on drake &you refuse to listen to him dont bangladesh on me for liking him. seriously. firstly, if you dont listen you cant have an opinion. thats ignorance at its best. if you dont know the content how can i respect your comment? im not going to. secondly, i can say that everyone, EVERYONE has listened to wayne at some point. if you listen to wayne, you're more than likely listening to drake. because drake has been a ghost writer for wayne on numerous occasions. if you didnt know this is what wayne does, when he doesnt spit his own rhymes. &finally, dont give me the "everyones on drake so i cant listen to drake because im an original." there's nothing original about anyone, theres only evolution with the same foundation. &also, with that mindframe - you're deff not original. k, thanks.

*dont ask about our bummfck'd banner.

last spring when drake's "so far gone" had just hit airwaves my school booked him for our springfest. it was between him &asher roth; drake won &drake delivered. we sold out to the maximum. daemen students got tickets for $1, outside students paid $5. i know some students who bought 5 $1 tickets &sold them for like $45,$50 a piece. it was that serious - drake is from toronto, thats right over the bridge. like 45mins away. he put on a good show. &he did it for $6,500. now ? because hes more popular he charges like 15-20 thousand to do a show, (dont quote me on that, thats what our student affairs president said) &theres alot of schools that tryna book drake. we did it first. ha!.

other points i have about drake is more so off stage. he's still in touch &keeps it real with his fans. he's also very well-spoken &educated. he's into MORE than just rap, he also can sing (though his voice is really... odd. lol], acting (we all know this), he's also into fashion. like heavy. seriously, not just j'z. i mean like dude posts a lot of independent low scheme fashion lines for designers tryna come up. he's overall just a good guy. &whats wrong with having a good guy in the rap game? seriously.

he's already on the level of "features blow up". any track drake is on blows up. he had 3 songs on #1 billboards at the same time. he had 8songs that he was on in total on the billboards in the top spots. like for real, he is unstoppable. &its time for rap to see something more than auto-tune &swagg. i also respect drake because he's not on the street come up &hes not some famous celebrity or fortune400 industry exec's son trying to rap. he's that in between, &he has real speak to say.

keeping it real, i was upset when he first came onto the mainstream scene. like oh man, he's gonna change over. but always he's flipped the game over. &he keeps it real. so like him i feel like have to say whats real. call me a drake drizzy dickk rider if you want to. - but we all know that i am homo for the promo baybeh. - i just felt like putting it out there.

drake concert 4/19/09.

*don't ask why my belts so bummfuck'd.

Like Grammar School.

2009-10-19T20:07:00.005-04:00

thatpoetace
    ii agree -- it's crazy but typical of us to be on the same path.
bunchezzz
    yea, it is. but ii do really like theeDEAR &+ things feel so much more connected cause my guards slowly t.u.m.b.l.e.i.n.g down
thatpoetace
    &+ ii really like theeSOMEONE &+ she's started to claim me like everywhere; it's not unusual to open a survey, see a tweet, &+ just see my nick(sz) there instead of the generic|offBRAND "HER".
    i'm falling into her.
bunchezzz
    claiming is good cause its deep reassurance &+ yu know how we like to put our emotions&+heart on insurance.
thatpoetace
    definitely; then again it's better this|our|me+her way because we don't put everything out there. whereas me &+ others|.koff. put it all out there|everywhere.; ii like having ''our'' business.
bunchezzz
    its like a secret. yu walk around w| a smile on yur face cause yu know something that somebody else doesnt, &+ when they ask yu what it is, yu calmly say "oh nothing" &+ smile even harder.

thatpoetace
    precisely.
bunchezzz
    .smiles. ii just thought of her.
    theeDEAR.
thatpoetace
    theres always that sweet satisfaction; when they cross yur mind. it's instant gratification &&+ even worse, yur greedy about it. yur selfish about it. yu dont want to share &+ yu will do everything to keep it under wraps. MUMz thee word|&+name.as.yu.call.me.
bunchezzz
    theeDEAR always make it known that she doesn't wanna share, &+ that she doesn't want me to go any where - ii told her she has me &+ im not going anywhere, she always calls me "great" &+ all ii can do is .smiles.
thatpoetace
    oatz; when she called me remarkable? ii never ever, that was the first|sole|never.before said of me before. &+ it's a moment that ii think i'll never forget. ii lite up like the gas light.

bunchezzz
lol, more like the gas prices.
thatpoetace
lol.

-Access granted; ^Two Cancers of the Same Time; 0625 DOB.

Derailed.

2009-10-13T16:32:00.005-04:00

An odd conscious I have, like it's hella on it's own frame. I thought it was a bad dream. Just because of the situation &+ circumstance I was in. Being forced to really. . . go out on a limb of instability &+ uninsured of success. But as always, google &+ grandmothers work wonders.

Dreaming about a train according to google yields 136,ooo results. But the overall interpretation via the worldwideweb is that it's some form of journey. A statement that things need to be accomplished &+ handled in a ordered manner, so that one can ''move on.'' The ride itself can represent how everyone moves &+ behaves, the dreamer is striving for the wholeness.A part of me wants to go w| Freud`s reasoning, that the train is a symbol of intercourse. But heyyy, let's keep it clean so that we don't have to put the ''disclaimer'' up; I'm just sayin.

According to my grandmother, who's judgment I would say is trustworthy, not too many people can go wrong w| grandma`s. I mean unless you one of those new-age grandma`s, got like 4grand-babies &+ you still in college.. .shrugs. -- Back on track; My grandma told me that the train represents that I am moving on a new track of life, a journey that's taking me one step closer to where I want to be in life, agreeing w| the idea of wholeness. The fact that there were close family members involved, but that I ignored their existence|statements, reasons that I will not be deterred by anything or anyone. The incident of getting on the wrong train, but trusting a stranger to get me to the right one is just a further statement of how much I am changing, and as the train tracks, everything else will fall into place. Even if I end up in an unknown area, there is a new energy with me, &+ that energy will assure me that everything is alright &+ continue to be with me as I move on this path.

Nightmare? Not at all. Reality has been better than my dreams, but now my dreams are signifying that my reality is going to blurr in with this satisfaction."To dream anything that you want to dream. That is the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed."

I'm so self|conscious.

L_ve.

2009-10-08T20:47:00.004-04:00

"bunchezzz": somebody msg'ed me &+ asked why ii never spell out "l_ve'

thatpoetace: mhm; people ask me too. . .

thatpoetace: ii don't answer;

"bunchezzz": ii did.

thatpoetace: what yu say?

"bunchezzz": response4mOatz: cause to me l_ve is a 3-letter word that exist w|OUT a heart|'o' if|when ii find [myheart] then ii will buy a a vowel &+ it will become a 4-letter word that exist|holds no definiton; it wouldnt be define, but in essence will define everything -- my heart will then be the center of "l_ve"

thatpoetace: yeah; been tryna formulate something like that -- but my wordplay isn't so developed.

"bunchezzz": yurs is better than mine.

thatpoetace: ii think not.

"bunchezzz": blah.

Explanation Granted; ^finz.

thatpoetACE.

2009-10-06T10:08:00.004-04:00

People make me more conceited than I actually am. How many times am I questioned about my name, or in a defensive manner people come at my neck, knowing I'm not that tall anyhow see what I'm saying, & they try to call me out on my name. "Your name's thatpoetACE, spit a poem."

1) I don't spit poems, I'm not a rapper. Freestyle's vs. Freewrite's; two separate things. 2) Who are you to be challenging me? Until you get some lyricism in your mind that flows off the tip of your tongue to sit comfortably into someones (preferably, mines) ear - Don't come at me. 3) If that's not the biggest peeve of being a poet, is people asking you to produce a piece of you and hand it over to them. Negative on the positive note cap`n.

What's behind a name? Recognition and Identification. My birth name, people mess up ALL the time, I don't know why it's so hard; 5 letters, beginning in ending in the same vowel that happens to be the first letter of the whole alphabet. I'm just saying. People make it harder than it has to be. There's different reasons behind "Ace"; just to throw it out there on an FYI note everyone calls me Ace. People at school, my cousins, even some campus faculty. So uhhh yeah, "screenname" not even.

But just to calm the central nerves of everyone with the "Why is your name thatpoetACE?" ; these are often people who are just obsessed w| this new phenomenon of worldwideweb celebrity`ness. Dunno how I became|if I am even a member of that class, but Imma seat myself for the purpose of this blog.

Here's the story, picture it, Sicily 1936... Okay Okay.

Truth: I did a couple of performances at the Tram Cafe over the last 1yr or so, any free Sunday I have and if I'm UpState I go do the Open Mic there. It's gotten a little performical over the last few months but whatever. NoHype, after the 1st time I stepped from behind the mic people became interested in me and what I had to say. One Sunday, I had performed, I'd say show 4, and like 2 performers after me, this girl "Nic" came up to me. I was just dolo, chillen in the back, listening to some J. Schmidt. And she asked me "Aren't you that poet?" and I just looked up at her cause I didn't think she was talking to me. She repeated herself, "You're names Ace right? That poet Ace?" - And I like lite up like a 3rd grade bitch who just got asked "Check Yes or No" by my crush.- I just nodded my head. We eventually exchanged info, and like some weeks later she told my friend that "She's the typa girl that makes me wish I was bisexual, because she has this way with words."

Turning girls out from behind the mic? Not my style. Lol, I do not use poetry to pick up girls or get ass. Just not on my to-do list. I've never written a poem for a girl. I've written them about them. But never as a cheese ball gift. That's so 199o`s sweetie.

"I don't write poetry for her, I write poetry because of her.
Me: Your idolization; She: My inspiration." (Tweet #3,078)

But jeahhh. I felt like putting that out there. I didn't create this name because I thought|think that I am some bomb ass poet. I've done tons of poetry shows, but my knees still buckle when I get on stage. I still write on napkins and scraps of paper because I don't feel like I'm ''worthy'' of collecting my stuff. I'm not a poet.
I just play on words before I get played by words.

Until Further Notice

2009-10-01T01:16:00.006-04:00

If I would have known that I would spend 3yrs and thousands of dollars to feel unaccomplished, I would have stopped this college thing a long time ago. I'm not throwing a pity party here, I'm just speaking out the thoughts that's been in my head. When I first came to this school, didn't like it. My best friend, "Snizz", who I met here, she's pretty much the reason I stayed here. But now she's not here this semester, because of her situation|accident, and so I've been left to myself. I realize - I don't like more than a handful of people on this campus. Not even remotely. I mean like 2people, maybe. I have all associates, I'm cool with people, if I'm on the phone with you while walking around I'll probably speak to like 20-30people during that one phone call. Seriously. But when it boils down to it I'm not really into anyone. I don't know if I missed the memo or if they had some mass injection that I missed but all this case of "brandNEW" is not the business and not on my to-do list.

So I'm here. I'm here in between majors because the Art department sucks. I'm here with people who practice the Spoils System vs. the Merit System; you know people's friends get precedence & thought about first for things even though they're not even close to ''right'' for the situation. I'm here with no poetry outlets, I think out of the 2500kids that go here, only like 5 have a twitter that I'm aware of... I'm here, looking from the inside out. BEGGING. SCREAMING. PLEADING - for an escape.
No exaggeration.

"But she won't drop-out her parents will look at her funny." vs. "I quit school, and it's not because I'm lazy. I'm just not the social type and campus life is crazy." Those are the two lyrics that I could say sums up this experience for me. I've been here for 3yrs and I have not, in my mind, progressed any. I have 45credits on my transcript, professors know me, the Dean knows me, (all positives) - I represented this school by working in Admissions. I represent a school that doesn't represent me. What typa buhfoolery is that?

If I would have known in 2oo7, that I didn't want to be a Political Science major, I would have kept all my artwork from high school that was shown in corridors at school or was taped to my bedroom walls. I would have applied to somewhere better and more sustainable for my needs. I would be doing Art 307, Art 415 classes right now; instead of Art 105, Art 275. Lessons learned? Connections connected? Something like that. But in the end I wonder if my costs outweigh my benefits.

The scales tipping to the lesser.

Complaining is something I do not do... because I am always working on a resolution to my problems. Obviously, I don't want to be here. I've narrowed where I do want to be down to 3cities, and I've begun my research. That's the crazy thing too. This whole "school thing"; blahhh. But in America, w|OUT education, (White America, especially), will tear you down. I am the majority of a minority as you can get. So I have to tighten my belt and roll with the punches. I have the potential to be great, and I will be great at whatever and wherever I end up.

After my freshman year, I asked my grandmother if my Papi would be proud of who I am and what I'm doing. (There's a lot she doesn't know, but I felt the question was needed at the time, my college kidd habits & my sexuality for example.) He passed away my senior year of high school. She answered of course he would. I'm a writer which he always loved my imagination and creativity was highly encouraged. He expected me to be taller, and probably end up with a football (soccer) scholarship. But all in all - Yes, he would be proud, so she says.

Everyday, I ask myself this somewhat already answered question. My grandfather never restricted me, never had these expectation, he just let me be. Self was of most importance. He didn't allow society to dirty me. Completely left now. Vulnerable I fell into the traps of what was expected of me from society and other family members.

I don't even want to be a poet, or a journalist, or even a graphics designer. Which is crazy because those are the things that come naturally to me and that I am, according to everyone it seems, "great" at. I want to do architecture, design great homes inside and out, and sell them to people. Don't even need a degree for that. Could have been doing that a long time ago. But architects, especially in this housing market today, do not make good money. Besides, I suck at math.

So here I am, and here I'll stay;-
Until someone, or something, answers my screams of escape.

Satellites.

2009-09-22T19:06:00.003-04:00

She speaks &+ breathes her air into ears phenomenally heartbeats are fast paced, racing to keep up yet its easier to breathe. Easier for me. Yet I can't reach the insides of her membrane; please just let me embrace your brain. Let me stroke away some of the pain w| the brushhairs of my fingertips. Stroke away some of the pain thats driving you insane, because you can't come crashing down - you are my sanity. You are that peace of me that keeps me from breaking and tipping over pass capacity tipping over that line. I'd be lying if I were to say I didn't believe you were mine. I'd be telling stories to the biggest wide-eyed kid in the world; soured by my tongues bitterness spitting it all back up at me. Especially, if I didn't say that my care for is beyond this space; It's tumbled into the next galaxy. And I'm steadily falling falling falling - fallen dropping back down to my knees like an unkept satellite. Not this time, in my mind I have dreams so deep that I envision my hand dipping into the heavens to replace gods romances that have been lost in the black holes of life. Trying to keep on track w| your stride but you're much bigger than me. So I struggle all the time to get inside of your mind though you claim that's where I reside. Trust I clean my feet before entering through the sight of your eyes. But it's getting kinda cold because you no longer enjoy the sunshine. I read in between your lines and see the invisible ink that you've written in. Your pen cries away, wishing that someone could come and rearrange the lines that have gotten you displaced. There's no pink margins for whats wrong and whats right. That's why people invade and overtake the beautiful things in life. We have environmentalist screaming about global warming. As a human resource I wonder where is my warning. When will I get the chance to envelope the one who needs me most. Her pad has been filled w| rhymes so ill that it makes a knot in my stomach; which she untangles w| her smile. It's driving me wild to see her taken and broken down and it wasn't until now that i found the words to finish this poem. Emptiness fulfills every house, not a home. But you are home. You are my peace of mind. Eventually the pull of gravity will pull you into me. And we'll crash into this world together; standing hand in hand. Causing people to question the laws of nature written by man because our chemistry is more than any book could ever contain. Blasting into a cosmic reaction; acidic based advancing technology beyond this century.

---------------------------------------
Written in my phone 091909.

WakeUp; Mr. West

2009-09-14T15:56:00.006-04:00

Picture Idea via Vic [@theePROTEGE]

reCAP: If you somehow missed the VMAs last night; then you missed out on a beautiful thing. Janet Jackson (&+ Laurie Ann Gibson] threw it down with the Tribute to Michael Jackson. Madonna delivered a fantastic speech that brought tears to my eyes. Russell Brand got on stage &+ started the show; Best Female Video of the Year *drumroll* - Taylor Swift ! So as young 19yr old Taylor is on stage giving her thanks on how she "Never thought I'd get one of these, I sing country!" -- Mr. Controversial steps on stage, takes the mic, and blasts it raw &+ truth:
"Taylor I'm happy for you... but I gotta say that Beyonce had one of the best videos ever."

-Facepalms- Come on `Ye ; Not again. I think you just Chris Brown`d your career. (ROTFLMAODEAD].

Anybody that knows me, knows that I personally believe that Kanye West is #1 in the rap game right now. (If you want to know more of the list, request; I will tell you &+ I have legit reasons as to why I believe this]

iSupport Kanye.

Last year during an interview Mr. West was quoted as saying "I don't talk negatively about anyone else. I just talk about myself - and that's why I say what I want." Truth. Kanye has never called anyone out, he has never shitted or dogged out anyone else in the music industry, he didn't even DISSrespect Taylor Swift on the VMAs. What he did do was get up there, and yes rudely in the middle of her speech, say what's real. Beyonce did have one of the best videos of the year & everyone was pissed that Taylor Swift won the VMA. Why? Because nobody really ever saw the video; compared to how many people have seen Beyonce's "Single Ladies." Let's just take Youtube stats (which is credible, the US Supreme Court has reviewed video's on YT for judgment decisions).

Beyonce "Single Ladies" 11 months ago 66,027,566 views
Taylor Swift "You Belong To Me" 3 months ago 2,924,747 views

Now, Best Female Video of the YEAR ; Beyonce's video has been out for almost a year vs. Taylor's has been out for the summer. *scratches chin*

As far as Kanye? There's a lot of explanations for his behavior.
1) It's Kanye - Why is everyone tweaking|tweeting about him being his normal arrogant outspoken self.
2) He was pictures leaving the event with a bottle of Henny in his hand, Amber Rose on the other side.
So we all know "When the Henny's in the system aint no telling...."

Explanations; NOT Excuses. (Check the word choice]

&+ Taylor didn't even stand up for herself; it's the VMAs - it's a party.She just stood there on some real white girl bullshit. Making motions with her mouth but nothing coming out. She's 19yrs old, she got time to get that much of her self esteem back. She could have been on some real regular stuff and LOL`d about it "Anyhow, I'd like to thank..." BOMB. Issue OVER.

Let's not even speak about the catastrophe of Lady Gaga's hatching (yes, hatching] of a performance. OR Lil Mama`s random ass poppin` on the stage of Jay-Z's & Alicia Keys bomb ass performance. POSTED LIKE:

-DEAD; I had to do it.-

Kanye West is probably one of the most controversial names in the music game. Remember this is also the same man who said last year that he is the "Michael Jackson of this generation." - Michael Jackson was controversial in EVERYTHING he did. This isn't the first time there's been an interruption on stage at the VMAs. Old Dirty Bastard hopped on stage during the Fugee's announcement of the `98 VMAs.

He apologized (via BLOG | Click here ) ; which was really odd of him, I didn't expect it. HOWEVER he still stood his ground. Stating how he felt, and how he's sorry for taking away Taylor's moment. BUT he kept it real - as he did on stage.

You have to be you all the time regardless where you are. At the end of the day I say this about the entire situation "You spent all day coloring that picture but your teacher STILL put up Sally's & not yours....
& you let that hoe use your crayons."

Retrospect 4Life.

2009-09-09T19:00:00.001-04:00

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...

...and you finish off as an orgasm.

L_ve Snuffed Me.

2009-09-06T14:23:00.002-04:00

Some months ago, before anything happened this summer - Oatz sent me this quote that remains locked in my phone. "Love takes off masks we fear we canNOT live w|OUT && know we canNOT live w|IN." -- often I've applied this to various situations in my life. Situations w| past relationships, situations where I throw it in there for good convo, situations for advice for|to friends. I've used it over && over; never once applying it to myself. My passions, Mr. Wilde are not a mere quotation.--

Yet I wonder about this quote now. My summer is definitely shutDOWN; && with what's been going on lately in my life -- the quote echoes a relevance in my membrane tapping my eardrum with questions;
What (the fcuk] is up with my mask?

L_ve removes our masks w|OUT notification|warning. There's no disclaimer. It's more like a smile, a finding of a common thought frame - blasphemous accusations. There's a comfortableness in the unease l_ve puts you in. ; I h_te l_ve. I h_te l_ve because one doesNOT have to do anything extra|ordinary in order to wiggle themselves into your captivity of being. Moving into all of your thoughts & making a home inside your chest. A heart beat who's rhythm no longer vibes from your step; but l_ve`s voice. And before you know it you're humming a different melody. Swept up in the honey moon stages of passions coasting on a fresh new air wave.

Yeah that's l_ve. And you don't even realize you've been pickpocket`d. You've been robbed of your mask & now you're vulnerable & the only thing to put you in a feeling of security|safeNET - is this thief.

(Now; aint that some bullshit?]

L_ve steals. It takes all of you & shares it w| someone new. Someone who you hope|wish & never even think will be like the last. They can't be.

"Say you gotta take the good & the bad, the happy & the sad. But when you bring a better future than I had in the past; `Cause I don't wanna make the same mistakes I did - I don`t wanna fall back on my face again."

I'm stepping back, fighting the force of this undefined|inFAMOUS law of nature whose fields are pulling me flat on my face. -- "Go ahead, I`ll always catch you." I'm not sure, though broken promises are better than none at all right. My safeNET is in your embrace. You are my spotter as life throws me in the air.--

Yes, I know that I have to come back down. I just want to keep my mask on straight when I hit; so you won't see me at rockBOTTOM.

-------
THIS IS SOMETHING I WROTE WHILE ON THE F`TRAIN GOING TO FRKN 42ND STREET TO CATCH THE 7. STUFF JUSS POPS IN MY HEAD & WHEN IT DOES -- I ROLL WITH IT. THAT`S WHY I ALWAYS KEEP MY PHONE IN MY HAND.

Sweet Reluctance.

2009-08-31T09:43:00.001-04:00

A spotlight
Starstruck like Santogold,
minus the glitter & tights.
Walking through the City streets
on a adventure unlike any other
No not on a tourist note
Just to go celebrate through his death
Michael Jackson's life.

We never made it.

Hectic work schedules
Intermixed with a new love affair
None of this was planned kinda just
fell into her lap;

The spotlight switched.

The beam that was just days ago cold
and searching was now stabilized.
This ending of the week was a surprise
But not one of shock; but empty promises
Now have been filled.

Overwhelmed.

14th street delivered from the J
Looked for the S but never saw the gray dot
Ended up on the Q back to Union Square
Halloween suites & craving everything edible.

Can't eat till the sunsets.
Can't eat till the sunsets.
Can't eat till the sunsets.
Why are we doing this to ourselves?

Walked right into the sign
Black & White.

Admittance that w.e. have changed
Makes me feel like I'm not alone
If I have to travel 368miles I'd do it again
Minus the fuckface ; but all the same

Long lost lover?
According to some.

Exception Clause always stands -
I have my h.e.r.
& you have mr. awkward.

High school associates
Swallowing our nonsense
(because that's all it was]
Tripping over life falling face first.

Nope.

2009-08-30T22:16:00.000-04:00

no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.

Superfluous Deliberation.

2009-08-29T17:06:00.002-04:00

Late night conversations led to oversleeping battles facing insomnia from catching-up through the years. Forced through the tears to swallow my fears & understand something; I've changed.

Woke up & turned over, she was praying. I should be doing the same but I'm just not that ready - not that converted. However my switch board has fastforward; Brand new step towards it - I am fasting. Dishing away at the wildness of betrayal & self-inflicting vengeance to overcoming one's own subjectivity of self.

Yet, she objects to being just an object; soft brown skin & delicately overworked has been a spotlight in my life for so long. How is now that I lay with her under the City streetlights, on adventure to celebrate the life of Michael turning into a dead-end cloaked in the darkness of train-lines & confusion. Out of the window pondering about the illusions & illustrations of graffiti designs who toiled in these same undergrounds.

A parallel lifestyle wondering how to exist in the same place, same time.

Planted inside of me a rush of emotions & excitement ready to spread it's vines & to mushroom over. But we can not eat until 7:33pm, that's when the sunsets. Rest comes like dish bubbles blow out of the sink. This rush was not expected yet feelings are digested & directing us to build this into something great.

Maybe not as amazing as sweet settlements of satisfaction.

But I'm sure we'll come close. It just feels so right, it's so damn good. It's natural as a transfer on a train ride.

Dazzling even.

Just Friends, Pshhh.

2009-08-25T23:07:00.001-04:00

You know what's crazy? The fact that I have all these frkn "friends" ; but unless they're 100% straight (n.e.v.e.r. could|would|thoughtof|justNO]- they end up crushing on me. This is not a blog to stroke myEGO, there's enough picture comments & testimonials in my world to do that. Besides I'm pretty good on my self-esteem level thanks. I just want to cross|admit|exploit the fact that dude - DUDE, I have like no legit friends. Why? Because they all "feel something more."

Chuck your feelings and throw them in the nearest landfill to sit under some plastic that takes 20yrs to decompose. Honestly, it gets a bit annoying. You just vibing with someone, kicking it, just on some real "tell me about you" shit & then they end up liking you. That is NOT the business.

Moreso, what gets me, is that I can be on some real phaggieSTATUS. I mean saggy jeans, t-shirt that hide my (already barely existing] boobs, fittd & listening to some real crazy-"hard" rap? A dude will try to get at me so hard. Like it's quite obviously I like what you like - Go away.

Females are different. They are the most indecent, inconsiderate, incredulous individuals ever. (No I am NOT a woman-hater; I'm a lesbian so whamp] - I have had so many experiences with different types of chicks. There's the infamous groupie type, the one who will comment|own every picture on your page if you let them, can't understand no|I.don't.like.you, you can be rude as hell to this person & they'll still hit you up tomorrow with a text like aint shit happen. Then you got your "I aint a groupie" groupie. Boast & blast how they're NOT a groupie, but falls in with all the other groupie criteria. What's next? The ones who see that you're in a relationship or talking to someone or at least on some committment|not.available status - that's when they wanna spill their can of beans. On how much they diggin' you, always liked you, -etc -etc -etc. You got your real trifetype. These just don't care, they don't know how to act, don't even attempt to be discrete - just no home training. Crazy ex's, on that Jazmine Sullivan note & ex's that just can't get right, can't let you go. I'm sure there's more, not enough cyberspace to cover all the different types. I just can't get into deep how fickle females are.

It gets annoying as HELL. To not be able to just kick back and vibe with people. I promise you this my closes are either my besties, that I can count on 1hand or studs|ftm`s. I have the benefit of being open with my mum, she knows my business before anyone else, usually she hears the text word4word. I canNOT have lesbians for friends, especially online, because they just get blinded by the photoshop. And as far as in offline? I seem to be attracting jailBAIT. Hell nah, I look 12 but I'm 20 & definitely can go to jail. And penis? Get it STRAIGHT my dude, please.

I don't want a crush. I don't want to be "interested." Nothing's complicated. And no, we can't be "just friends." - Trust me, I'm GOOD.

Type 2.

2009-08-19T23:03:00.002-04:00

There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-- you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.

Really Shitty. (08/02/09 Performance]

2009-08-13T00:46:00.000-04:00

I promised that I would deliver video for my performance at the Tramontane Cafe on August 2nd. I must admit, this was not at all my best performance. I really wasn't focused, nor really dedicated, and it's not at all up to my normal deliverance. But with all that was on my mind, and the news that soon followed, I am assured to say that I did my best that I was able to do considering the circumstances.

Rick actually brought the music that day, didn't really have time rehearse. This is all "What-Not-To-Do." Always be on ya game, after this I went in the back & really just got on myself because I know I can do better, I am better (Refer to post before this]. The works performed were "B4 I" ; "I Wanna" ; & "Signed, Sealed, & Delivered." -- It just wasn't right. But I like to follow through with my word, because Word is a powerful agent, and it's the tool that I was blessed with to have to communicate and change. Even though I'm sick and tired of poets who think their words can start a revolution. “Words should be used as tools of communication & not as a substitute for action.”

If you enjoy then please comment, if you don't please comment. I'm a sensitive asshole; but I do always welcome criticism. It makes me better.

Yes I look like a lost 12yr old, and I still feel like a lost 12yr old tonight.
^keep it 100

peace, -Ace.

Marco X dropped the video onto my FB like 34mins ago.
(Thanks Marco!]

Admissions to Poetry.

2009-08-11T00:14:00.001-04:00

I wonder when I started to curve my writing, and I stopped being about what I wanted to say & in turn started speaking about what others told me I needed to say. That's a major problem. My writing had always come naturally to me. I'm not as stable and secure in my writing as people believe I am. Like it's ridiculous how many girls are attracted to me because I am a poet, but then when I do something to piss them off... they say "you're a poet & you know how to use words." Ummm - I don't like this blessing|curse either, but hey it is what it is.

Lately I've been slow on the poetry shows. Been offered to shows in NYC, Philly, & DC. I even had something lined up in Toronto (not hopping on Drakes dick, haaa] because I go to school in Buffalo, but the border is right there, like 45mins away? Real quick & easy to be there. And I can always go places & do shit, but I feel like if I'm not communicating then why am I speaking? Yo !

So Sunday before last I did perform at the Tramontane Cafe here Upstate, and it went horrible. I had so much on my mind that it just reflected POORLY in what I said through the mic. I even picked a very bad choice of poetry. Like the poetry wasn't bad, but the scene wasn't right. How dare I speak a 16prose verse about living in the hood, when I am surrounded by all upper-uppermiddle class white suburban America. They not gonna understand, and they're not going to react. It was a bad choice, and I felt like shit. Word.

Now I'm trying to tailor my writings. I never really focused on what I was writing, it just came. I believe I have allowed myself to be influence, by the shows, and delivering something "amazing" that I've lost the value of what poetry is to me. A passion, and unsatisfiable burning inside of myself. The thing that makes me an "insane genius."

I admit, we all grow in our lifestyles. We all change and mend ourselves to a certain estate. But at the end of the day, I do not want to be raped by anyone and feel like I have to do things a certain way & say a certain thing because otherwise it's not mines. It's like being in the music business, it's better to get a deal than a contract. Because a deal doesn't restrict you and allow you to be raped.

I admit it would be game for me to step onto a stage and spit lyrics so deep that would make people want to be like me. Currently I am just not at that level. I think I will be stepping back on the shows. I do have one on the 22nd at Thornberrys. I do need to meet with Dave Dancy (life mentor] & Seven, another poet. I need to reignite myself, in the meaning of what is myself.

“to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” -ralph waldo emerson.

[who knows]
^keep it 100.

peace, -ace.

Allergic To Adhesive.

2009-08-05T02:13:00.000-04:00

"TwtnWhileBLACK @thatpoetACE Okay, are you a guy or girl, because I really don't know." - It's not the first time I've gotten that question. So no offense taken. I get asked that a lot, my family just thinks I'm still in the "tom-boy" stage of my life. And it still cracks me up.

However, I get asked almost on the daily "What are you?" There's this need for the human mind to categorize you. It's normal. You check the boxes every time you fill out an about me, an application, a survey.
[]Female []Male. | []White []African-America/Black []Hispanic, Non-White []Multi-Ethnicity []Other. | []14-16, Provide DOB []18+
I'm the individual that makes their own []
[]ALL OF THE ABOVE, YOUR BULLSHIT BOXES WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO HOLD ALL OF WHAT MAKES ME WHO I AM !

Let me start out by saying there is a difference between Gender|Sexuality|Sexual Orientation. Gender, is determined socially; culture determines what is expected of an individual by their roles & behavior in society. Sexuality is biological; that's the box you check Male or Female. Sexual orientation is based upon both of these factors; as well as the individuals patterns of sexual attraction.

Sexuality is something that we all understand. Unless you're a hermaphrodite, a biological organism that is born with both male + female reproductive organs, then you're taught at a young age "you're a boy" or "you're a girl." It's written for you as soon as your mother goes & gets that sonogram to determine what color balloons to have at the party. In the LGBT world this is pretty much were you'll find your FTM's (Female-to-Male] & MTF's (Male-to-Female]. It's a sex struggle the individual is going through. And simply does not feel comfortable in ones body when his|her gender is telling him|her something different from his|her sex.

Sexual orientation has it's break downs. Asexual,Bisexual, Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual, Pansexual, & Polysexual. Asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction at all or does not desire sex. Bisexual refers to an individual who is sexually attractive & active with a member of both sexes (male or female]. Heterosexual is "straight", strictly female+male or vice-versa. Homosexuals are gay or lesbian, gay being male+male, lesbian being female+female. Pansexual is what they call the "blind-lover", this person is attracted to the PERSON and not the biological or gender-makeup. Pansexuals differ from bisexuals because it is not simply a sexual attraction, it is an emotional and romantic attraction as well. Polysexuality refers to people who are attracted to more than one gender or sex but do not wish to identify as bisexual because it implies that there are only two binary genders or sexes. However, polysexuals should not be considered pansexuals, because pan comes from the Latin word meaning "all", & poly comes from the Latin word meaning "many."

Gender is where it gets messy, but I'll keep it to the basics. In the Lesbian world there's studs, femmes, AG's, versatiles, no labels,& genderqueers|gender-blind. I will stick to only Lesbian world because not all homosexual "labels" are universal in definition. And since I'm a lesbian... Yeah. Lol.
-Studs are your dominant lesbians, that dress + behave like a male, most even prefer to be addressed as male pronouns(him,he,-etc.]
-Femmes are the female lesbian, they are opposite of studs; dressing very feminine. It is often these females that people find shocking when they "come out."
-Then you have your AG's aka "aggressive femmes",a lesbian who takes over in bed but she appears to be feminine in society and dresses feminine.Aggressive femmes usually take over in a lot of scenarios in everyday life. Dominant but can be submissive if her lover wants her to.
-Versatile is a hard one to determine. Versatile to MOST means someone who can portray both roles, stud + femm. However, Versatile belongs in the sexual orientation realm. Because versatile is someone who is willing to give + take in the relationship, SEXUALLY.
-No Labels. This is just someone who defies the action of categorizing themselves. Many versatile people, claim to be No Labels, which is not true. & Yes, by "not labeling you're labeling." Boohoo Kitty, yay for you for knowing Logic101.
-GenderQueers|Gender-Blind are unique individuals. Not only can these individuals consider themselves, BOTH male + female, or being neither male or female, OR even not part of the sex equation at all. This can be sometimes called "androgyny".

So that's the basic breakdown of the gender labels you'll find. It really depends on a lot of factors why someone would be called what they are. For example, an African-American or Hispanic dominant and male dressing female is considered a stud. Whereas a Caucasian dominant and male dressing female is considered a butch. One must remember to take that into mind, demographics apply always. (Unfortunately]

Okay - Now that that's all broken down. And there's a background of reference for people to read. I am a female that is lesbian that is pansexual and genderqueer. Putting the definitions together - I am a attracted to females, however I do not object to dating strictly 1 sex, nor 1 gender, and I take on characteristics of both sexes and genders. Simply looking at the picture with this post, one would not be able to tell if I was female or male. The picture I have on twitter, which prompted "TwtnWhileBLACK" to ask me that question was probably because even though I am standing up, looking into the camera you canNOT see my sexuality features. That picture was from NYC Pride, so I did dress dominant. But as I replied to him, I am female, however I get female + male pronouns all the time. I have friends who you honestly wouldn't know they were females unless you see them naked. I have friends who are femmes like HELL, and it's hilarious when dudes approach them, and they get turned down.

Even if I am "studded out"; I have been approached by males. I don't know, it's common that males won't accept No. And also will blast to his friends that you're gay, and then turn around and try to get with you. Negative, that is so tacky. But I wanted to clarify those|that for others who were wondering my "fit" in the world. I hate labels. I refuse to label myself and restrict myself to statistics and numbers and sorry if I make your brain hurt.

I'm allergic to adhesive. And I don't label myself. But no offense taken if you have to ask me a question, or if you don't know who I am. My policy stands "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." To me? Ignorance is not attractive.

peace, -Ace.

Reclaiming the Dream.

2009-08-02T02:32:00.000-04:00

Ironically tonight as I decided to finally sit down and begin this blog, I flipped through my television guide and found "Reclaiming the Dream" hosted by CNN. Firstly, I give CNN props, they have been the leading force in shining some light and giving us media time. If anybody ever takes notice in history, without media - there would be no change. Media aka "propaganda" has always been majorly influential in any major impact. I did jack the title, I really didn't know what to call this blog, but I have been racking my brain all day, as it's a constant feud|struggle with myself.

I am upset with Black America. I am disgusted with Black America. I am ashamed of and fed up with Black America. I have since I was a child surrounded myself around intellectuals. My Papi taught me the lessons that he learned, living in the islands, let me know to always stay humble, work and break down the barrier that was given to me by my name. I have always challenged myself, to do better, and work harder. Where has our community gone. Where are the role models? Lil Wayne and Kobe Bryant versus Barack Obama and Colin Powell. Do you see the difference?

Earlier today, my Aunt and I got into this very in-depth conversation about the Black community in which I am a demographic of. Luckily, I had an Aunt and Uncle who stepped up to the plate. When my Dad walked out, and my Mom let me go, they took me in. I spent my middle school and high school days living in a suburb, being the only black family in my town. But I made the decision, against my parents wishes, to go to the only high school that was located in the inner city. My city has a strong influence of Italians. We are the 3rd largest place for refugees to be placed. But inside the city, as in central located, is the African-American and Latino race. It's a jungle, we call it "Cornhill." That's our hood, and it's vicious. Gun crimes, murders, reckless behavior by the YOUTH is tearing the City a part. And like most cities, police are afraid of the craziness, so they stay away until somebody gets that DOA.

We have a lot of programs in our schools, and we have a lot of organizations outside. Junior Frontiers, Young Scholars Liberty Partnership, the lists go on and on. Anytime there's an issue what we do, just like many other schools and cities of America - We tape on another program as a band-aid. Only leaving it to turn into a scar until the scab is torn back open. There's no real aid being given to treat the problem.

My frustration is with the community. All these programs, organizations, churches, committees - not impacting, improving, or even making an INDENTATION on any of the struggles facing the Black & Latino race. My Aunt and I spoke of a building that's centrally located in Cornhill. It's placed on the busiest street, our "strip", James Street. It's where the barber shops, corner stores, liquor store, beauty salons, bar, parks, all are found in a 6 block strip. This building is currently being rented by a drug rehabilitation program that pays $1 to use it for the ENTIRE year. Why can't some of our Black organizations get this building and use it to make an impact on our youth. The youth that are obviously crying out, dropping out of school and adding to the system. It doesn't make mathematical sense to me to see this community go astray. Where are our shepherds?

Single parents, lack of voice, submission to dictation. These are the issues that we face in every hood, not just Cornhill. I focus on my neighborhood because I know that the person reading this can relate it back to themselves and say "Yeah, that sounds like ___." We lack the drive in the African-American community to fight for ourselves. And when the system won't provide our needs, we settle for what they give us instead of seeing beyond the basics.

"Our problem is not failure, it's low aim." That is what plagues many of our communities. I watched the series presented by CNN, "Black In America." Parts I and II, currently watching "Reclaiming the Dream." - I agree with so many points and factors that people like principal Steve Perry are making, Steve Harvey is on stage, not cracking jokes right now. He's serious business. We need to wake up and take responsibility and make this mission happen.

I write because words should be tools of communication, not substitution for action. We have constantly ignored and just settled. And we have it so twisted in our community. There's this internal battle within ourselves. How many people checked that box for Obama because he was Black, and didn't know the issues? Now we sit back on our couches and complain about not having "CHANGE" but didn't even know his standpoint on the policies in the first place.

We aren't happy with Obama but we voted for him. We make fun of our peers with straight A's but want to go to college. We can hustle up money for that party we can't go fill out applications. We can look "fly" in school but we don't know how to dress to go on interviews. We can shot a basketball but we can't read or write. - Let me not even go on the "Christian" spree. I think ya'll get the point.

Education is key, but we have the highest rates of EVERYTHING in America. Most likely to contract HIV, most likely to drop-out, most likely to become pregnant by the age 16, most likely to end up in jail. Society takes 1 or 2 great Black Americans and put them up on a pedestal, and leave the rest behind. And that's where our community needs to step up and open the door.Come on Black America. Where is our drive? That our grandparents had, that my Aunt and Uncle have. We're so stuck on self, that once we get ours "you better yo's." We need to reconcile ourselves. We need to reconcile our leadership. We need to reconcile our society. Stop being stuck on self.

I mean honestly, I live in lovely house. Myself, my parents, my 2 cousins (to me siblings), we all have vehicles. We all have health insurance. My brother graduated from Clark Atlanta, he has a well paying job in engineering, making programs for Bank of America. Their daughter went to UNC Greensboro, got her major in Sign Language Education. I currently go to a private school in Upstate, NY. Studying Graphic Design with a minor already in Political Science, and working on my Journalism minor.

But my Aunt still teaches in the high school, though she could have retired 2yrs ago because she sees kids being left by the way-side. She takes her students on a field-trip to the prisons, to show them,this is where you don't want to end up. This isn't the life. She takes that initiative. We all need to start picking up the slack; where others can't do, we need to do. Come together and stop pointing the finger and letting it just be. Realize that this has to happen internally, because the system isn't going to do it. The system isn't for the MINORITY.

"When America catches a cold, Black America catches pneumonia."

Education, Information, Dedication. I'm not sitting up here trying to get people to cheerlead with me. I'm trying to get people to take the initiative to lead. In all honesty? FUCK THE BULLSHIT. I can blog all day, I can spit 100 poems, but if no one is taking that lead to start something and go out into the community and DO - I'm just wasting cyberspace.

But I don't sit idly. I see my generation, worried about their "swag" more than their college education. Worried about scraping up that $10 for that marijuana recreation. I'm not claiming to be all innocent and do-no-wrong. I dip and dab too. But I have my goals, and I know what I want. At least I have some sort of AIM. Stop aiming so low, shoot for the moon, and get the moon. Don't be a star.

The community needs to come together. All communities. We need to be outraged. And we need to step-up and make our own change. Obama can give as much money as possible for college grants and scholarships. But if the 16yr old males are locked up and the 16yr old females are knocked up - What good is it doing? Wake up. Realize. And React. We're losing ourselves, lacking leadership and letting the dream fade out.

peace, -Ace.

----------------------
PS: I'm taking the initiative to start ANOTHER Cafe, non-profit organization in my neighborhood. To possibly make an impact. I started the "Underground" when I was 15. It didn't go in the path I wanted it to, but it still is a existing place where teenagers can go for different needs, giving information, and mentoring. Oh yeah, I don't just write.
I do. So should you.
The Underground Cafe

↓ Below link to CNN Special
Black In America

SoulFood Sunday.

2009-07-27T20:54:00.001-04:00

Signed, Sealed, & Delivered
I'm a product of my environment but trust I am not for sale
I refuse to be another causality of the drug game locked in a cell
It's a war and every day we got soldiers dying
Besides the ice cream truck all you can hear is police sirens
It's been decades of struggle from welfare to medicaid
Living in run down homes spraying roaches with raid
Our lights cut off, water leaking from the ceiling
On my knees in the dark praying to God for some healing
Tried to talk to the youth understand how they was feeling
Young girl 16 years old pregnant with three children
No money for abortion mama can't pay
Pops gone in the wind been missing since that day
They laid, paid the cost to be the boss but the price was too high
It's amazing what people will do just to survive
Stomach growling shorty looking for his next meal
It's beef in these streets these dudes got foreman grills
And they got time to kill, got rocks to sell
Trying to reach heaven but they still standing on hell
Fiends blow away dreams like bad mufflers
Thugs with iced out crosses, anointed hustlers
Pimps and Prostitutes yeah you know what's for sale
And everybody in the hood know somebody in jail
It's like an epidemic, modern day small pox
Don't even own our own home yet we dying for blocks
H.I.V. and K.I.D.S. not wanted
Never had much so everything we get we flaunt it
The slogan on your shirt says STOP SNITCHING
But we telling on ourselves we just too dumb to listen

-----------------------------

New blogs & poetry coming soon. But now? Back to this Religion paper. "Procrastination is like Masturbation; In the end you're just screwing yourself." ^scholarFOCUS.

peace, -ace

I Wanna

2009-07-25T01:07:00.001-04:00

"I Wanna" by ACE:
I wanna fall in love with someone. I wanna juss see her walking down the street, the same time everyday, always do a double-take to see if she's looking back at me and gather her scent up into my lungs. I wanna meet her in the coffee shop, find out that she doesn't like her drink & make her smile by buying her a new one & then make that coffee shop ''our'' spot. I wanna send her a single rose at work, and even though it's only one, it makes her day like the dozens. I wanna lay in the grass and not wonder why we're gazing a at the stars, because our light outshines their glaze anyday. I wanna kiss her tears away, when I've made her laugh so much that her stomach hurts. I wanna cuddle on a Friday night, fuck the club, she's my party girl. I wanna know her favorite soda, and if she doesn't drink soda; I wanna know her favorite flavor of vitamin water. I wanna be able to walk hand in hand down the city streets, get a kick outta the glances from the ones who's opinions disagree. I wanna have fun in the kitchen, making a meal that turns out to be a catastrophe, so we order in for chinese. I wanna have her front row, front & center at my shows because my lyrics resurrect she-inspired poetry. I wanna come in the door and see her stuffing her face with ice cream, looking beautiful in one of my white t-shirts. I wanna lay down w| you between the sheets, and smell the sweet scent of your body calling me. I wanna watch you bite your bottom lip as you're thoughts flow away so pensive. I wanna read your poetry and add my own lines to vibe w| your rhymes. I wanna bring you cheddar fries when your sick, even though you don't need 'em. I wanna get caught off guard everytime you walk in the room, because your beauty makes my chest tight. I wanna know that when Im having a bad day, you'll end it w| a good night. I wanna make noise as you scratch your nails against my skin as if it was a chalk board. I wanna share hoodies w| you. I wanna hold the door open everytime you walk through. I wanna get caught left speechless mid-sentence by a kiss. I wanna be the one you hate to miss. I wanna...

(to be continued]

Mainstreamed.

2009-07-24T02:52:00.000-04:00

Today, and on several occasions, I was discussing music with my brother, Vic, and others. Most of it did constantly refer back to Michael Jackson, respect - he not only defies gravity but he beats the UNbeatable - t.i.m.e. Anyhow, the topic switched quickly to the topic of mainstream not even nearly measuring up to the music produced by the likes of the King of Pop. But this is a topic I struggle with and basically, I'm going try to explain why I have conflicting opinions on this broad topic.

A new friend of mines, who's deeply involved in music, got into the conversation with me today, similar to Vic's and I. I was trying to explain to her, my feelings on mainstream music. Where I struggle is that there is so MUCH to mainstream right now, there's so much that comes across the streams + underground, so many mixtapes + iTune exclusives, so many artists that are good utilizing myspace + then we have the crap that has to have a bumass dance that's jacked off a very basic & wack artists. (I will NOT name names, but I'm sure we all have some artist that's got fame from Youtube dances overNIGHT.] At the same time, music is an art-form. A way of expression and if someone is talented enough, and on the same stream line a hustler to get thousands of people to download a track which I, and a lot of others not juss in my bias group of friends, but those in the business & alums alike find to be killing music, if that person can get the thousands to buy his "crap" and feed it to the public who will eat it up, get that money? Who am I to hate on that? That's one area where I struggle with. Music has become, and always will be a business.

Also as I was saying, there is so much that crossed the airwaves. And there's so many different ways to get music now. There's so much going on, you get so much on the radio, even though it's typically the same rotation of songs, you get different genre's. It's been going on, since the respect of Black's in the music business crossed over to the Pop charts, there's been barriers that's been broke. I know you feel me, on more than juss that example. Basically this cross-genre's that occurring that honestly you can't knock "mainstream." My new friend, I gotta quote her because she summed it up nicely. "The diversity in mainstream has progressed tremendously but the quality has taken a horrific nose dive."

Kanye West proclaimed sometime last year that he was the "Michael Jackson of this generation." There is NO way. One, my generation remember Michael Jackson, we grew up with Michael as well, because our parents rocked to him, and our grandparents rocked to him. And now with his passing, this generation is being introduced to him. My 3yr old brother can identify his music by juss hearing it played throughout our house all the time now.

So no, Excuse me Mista Westtt, you are NOT the Michael Jackson of our time. You did not CHANGE the face of music, or change the way music is viewed. Nice video's though. Mainstream gives us one thing - a taste. I think there are artists out there, who are mixing the two : old + new sound. But one always think and keep in their minds, there's always something going in someone's mind, in someone's basement, so we never know when that ONE is gonna come out to change it all.

There's many that's popping up all the time. Not "So Far Gone" (I liked Drake before he was mainFUCKED] Down Beat Keys. QuEst. B.O.B. E-Dot Dizzy. -- Someone who's more... "known"? Janelle Monae. I remember when I found out she was with Diddy? I was like Damnnnn, please don't let this man fcuk up her talent.*sigh* Hell, I promote for Emerald Morrell (PROMO TIME !!! - She worked with Dilla (the GREAT, RIP!], her style is to take the old skool hip-hop flow & mix it to a different beat. It doesn't match, but it WORKS. Trust me, you know I wouldn't steer you wrong.
(Otherwise, click that X *top right corner ; HA!]

There's a difference in these new genres. Even the crossing of the genre's are occurring. Funkiness spring a new sound. Always always occurring. So one day, we'll get that GREAT person. I don't believe it'll happen in my time. There's Elvis, then came Michael, next will be...

Till then, we'll keep being mainstreamed.

peace, -ace.

$$$ List.

2009-07-17T23:53:00.000-04:00

This list has been building for like (7]months now. I am a very particular person, but peculiar at the same time. My interests range from history & politics to music & producing to art & design to theology to working in hair salons. So I have this list in my phone of possible professions for me. *I have a thing for lists - I have a whole notebook dedicated to Lists. So yeah... I'm "one of those" people.

Anyhow - my mind is going on a constant flow of thinking where I want to end up. I mean I'm 20. In one year I'll be completely and totally legal. Out of that gray area I've been thrust into by society & going into my senior year of college. I still do not have a definite major. I have a minor in Political Science and this fall I will continue to do my Graphic Design. Actually taking courses, because I entered the Art department where I could only take BS classes (Art History] - all the g.o.o.d. classes are given in the fall.

As of right now here are the possibilities:

-Professor
-Freelance Designer
-Journalist
-Interior Designer
-Chef
-Artist
-Museum Owner
-Clothing Line // Fashion
-Poet // Entertainer
-Photographer
-Architecture
-DJ

If you know me, you know that all I watch on television is HGVT, History Channel, BRAVO, Comedy Central, Discovery Channel, TLC, & CNN. Occasionally I flip to FOX News to get a laugh... But that's it for me. I don't know what direction I'm heading in. But I know that I have to make it a monkey-maker. My grandmother needs me to do well, my Papi told me that I would defy the religious significance of my (given "the perfect wife" & at the same I would enhance it to the traditional meaning: to be alive.

I am alive. I will produce something great, that will speak for me, even when my ashes are setting on someone's mantel.

peace, -ace

New, New Shhhh.

2009-07-17T22:57:00.000-04:00

So a lot of people remember when I had my laptop I had ALOT of music, and I shared them all the time. The reason why I recommend this site is because they have a lot of songs before they're released. And they post them on imeem.com so that you listen or at least get a snippet before they hit the air waves. I also got a lot of stuff from Get Right Music . They have a lot of mixed tapes, a lot of rap & hip-hop. They also genre split things by coast which is unique. I know that I like my East Coast stuff, I really don't mess with too much other stuff. But it's always nice to dip & listen.

So that's me sharing. Yayyyy! :| E N J O Y

peace, -ace