Some months ago, before anything happened this summer - Oatz sent me this quote that remains locked in my phone. "Love takes off masks we fear we canNOT live w|OUT && know we canNOT live w|IN." -- often I've applied this to various situations in my life. Situations w| past relationships, situations where I throw it in there for good convo, situations for advice for|to friends. I've used it over && over; never once applying it to myself. My passions, Mr. Wilde are not a mere quotation.--
Yet I wonder about this quote now. My summer is definitely shutDOWN; && with what's been going on lately in my life -- the quote echoes a relevance in my membrane tapping my eardrum with questions;
What (the fcuk] is up with my mask?
L_ve removes our masks w|OUT notification|warning. There's no disclaimer. It's more like a smile, a finding of a common thought frame - blasphemous accusations. There's a comfortableness in the unease l_ve puts you in. ; I h_te l_ve. I h_te l_ve because one doesNOT have to do anything extra|ordinary in order to wiggle themselves into your captivity of being. Moving into all of your thoughts & making a home inside your chest. A heart beat who's rhythm no longer vibes from your step; but l_ve`s voice. And before you know it you're humming a different melody. Swept up in the honey moon stages of passions coasting on a fresh new air wave.
Yeah that's l_ve. And you don't even realize you've been pickpocket`d. You've been robbed of your mask & now you're vulnerable & the only thing to put you in a feeling of security|safeNET - is this thief.
(Now; aint that some bullshit?]
L_ve steals. It takes all of you & shares it w| someone new. Someone who you hope|wish & never even think will be like the last. They can't be.
"Say you gotta take the good & the bad, the happy & the sad. But when you bring a better future than I had in the past; `Cause I don't wanna make the same mistakes I did - I don`t wanna fall back on my face again."
I'm stepping back, fighting the force of this undefined|inFAMOUS law of nature whose fields are pulling me flat on my face. -- "Go ahead, I`ll always catch you." I'm not sure, though broken promises are better than none at all right. My safeNET is in your embrace. You are my spotter as life throws me in the air.--
Yes, I know that I have to come back down. I just want to keep my mask on straight when I hit; so you won't see me at rockBOTTOM.
-------
THIS IS SOMETHING I WROTE WHILE ON THE F`TRAIN GOING TO FRKN 42ND STREET TO CATCH THE 7. STUFF JUSS POPS IN MY HEAD & WHEN IT DOES -- I ROLL WITH IT. THAT`S WHY I ALWAYS KEEP MY PHONE IN MY HAND.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sweet Reluctance.
A spotlight
Starstruck like Santogold,
minus the glitter & tights.
Walking through the City streets
on a adventure unlike any other
No not on a tourist note
Just to go celebrate through his death
Michael Jackson's life.
We never made it.
Hectic work schedules
Intermixed with a new love affair
None of this was planned kinda just
fell into her lap;
The spotlight switched.
The beam that was just days ago cold
and searching was now stabilized.
This ending of the week was a surprise
But not one of shock; but empty promises
Now have been filled.
Overwhelmed.
14th street delivered from the J
Looked for the S but never saw the gray dot
Ended up on the Q back to Union Square
Halloween suites & craving everything edible.
Can't eat till the sunsets.
Can't eat till the sunsets.
Can't eat till the sunsets.
Why are we doing this to ourselves?
Walked right into the sign
Black & White.
Admittance that w.e. have changed
Makes me feel like I'm not alone
If I have to travel 368miles I'd do it again
Minus the fuckface ; but all the same
Long lost lover?
According to some.
Exception Clause always stands -
I have my h.e.r.
& you have mr. awkward.
High school associates
Swallowing our nonsense
(because that's all it was]
Tripping over life falling face first.
Starstruck like Santogold,
minus the glitter & tights.
Walking through the City streets
on a adventure unlike any other
No not on a tourist note
Just to go celebrate through his death
Michael Jackson's life.
We never made it.
Hectic work schedules
Intermixed with a new love affair
None of this was planned kinda just
fell into her lap;
The spotlight switched.
The beam that was just days ago cold
and searching was now stabilized.
This ending of the week was a surprise
But not one of shock; but empty promises
Now have been filled.
Overwhelmed.
14th street delivered from the J
Looked for the S but never saw the gray dot
Ended up on the Q back to Union Square
Halloween suites & craving everything edible.
Can't eat till the sunsets.
Can't eat till the sunsets.
Can't eat till the sunsets.
Why are we doing this to ourselves?
Walked right into the sign
Black & White.
Admittance that w.e. have changed
Makes me feel like I'm not alone
If I have to travel 368miles I'd do it again
Minus the fuckface ; but all the same
Long lost lover?
According to some.
Exception Clause always stands -
I have my h.e.r.
& you have mr. awkward.
High school associates
Swallowing our nonsense
(because that's all it was]
Tripping over life falling face first.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Nope.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Superfluous Deliberation.
Late night conversations led to oversleeping battles facing insomnia from catching-up through the years. Forced through the tears to swallow my fears & understand something; I've changed.
Woke up & turned over, she was praying. I should be doing the same but I'm just not that ready - not that converted. However my switch board has fastforward; Brand new step towards it - I am fasting. Dishing away at the wildness of betrayal & self-inflicting vengeance to overcoming one's own subjectivity of self.
Yet, she objects to being just an object; soft brown skin & delicately overworked has been a spotlight in my life for so long. How is now that I lay with her under the City streetlights, on adventure to celebrate the life of Michael turning into a dead-end cloaked in the darkness of train-lines & confusion. Out of the window pondering about the illusions & illustrations of graffiti designs who toiled in these same undergrounds.
A parallel lifestyle wondering how to exist in the same place, same time.
Planted inside of me a rush of emotions & excitement ready to spread it's vines & to mushroom over. But we can not eat until 7:33pm, that's when the sunsets. Rest comes like dish bubbles blow out of the sink. This rush was not expected yet feelings are digested & directing us to build this into something great.
Maybe not as amazing as sweet settlements of satisfaction.
But I'm sure we'll come close. It just feels so right, it's so damn good. It's natural as a transfer on a train ride.
Dazzling even.
Woke up & turned over, she was praying. I should be doing the same but I'm just not that ready - not that converted. However my switch board has fastforward; Brand new step towards it - I am fasting. Dishing away at the wildness of betrayal & self-inflicting vengeance to overcoming one's own subjectivity of self.
Yet, she objects to being just an object; soft brown skin & delicately overworked has been a spotlight in my life for so long. How is now that I lay with her under the City streetlights, on adventure to celebrate the life of Michael turning into a dead-end cloaked in the darkness of train-lines & confusion. Out of the window pondering about the illusions & illustrations of graffiti designs who toiled in these same undergrounds.
A parallel lifestyle wondering how to exist in the same place, same time.
Planted inside of me a rush of emotions & excitement ready to spread it's vines & to mushroom over. But we can not eat until 7:33pm, that's when the sunsets. Rest comes like dish bubbles blow out of the sink. This rush was not expected yet feelings are digested & directing us to build this into something great.
Maybe not as amazing as sweet settlements of satisfaction.
But I'm sure we'll come close. It just feels so right, it's so damn good. It's natural as a transfer on a train ride.
Dazzling even.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Just Friends, Pshhh.
You know what's crazy? The fact that I have all these frkn "friends" ; but unless they're 100% straight (n.e.v.e.r. could|would|thoughtof|justNO]- they end up crushing on me. This is not a blog to stroke myEGO, there's enough picture comments & testimonials in my world to do that. Besides I'm pretty good on my self-esteem level thanks. I just want to cross|admit|exploit the fact that dude - DUDE, I have like no legit friends. Why? Because they all "feel something more."
Chuck your feelings and throw them in the nearest landfill to sit under some plastic that takes 20yrs to decompose. Honestly, it gets a bit annoying. You just vibing with someone, kicking it, just on some real "tell me about you" shit & then they end up liking you. That is NOT the business.
Moreso, what gets me, is that I can be on some real phaggieSTATUS. I mean saggy jeans, t-shirt that hide my (already barely existing] boobs, fittd & listening to some real crazy-"hard" rap? A dude will try to get at me so hard. Like it's quite obviously I like what you like - Go away.
Females are different. They are the most indecent, inconsiderate, incredulous individuals ever. (No I am NOT a woman-hater; I'm a lesbian so whamp] - I have had so many experiences with different types of chicks. There's the infamous groupie type, the one who will comment|own every picture on your page if you let them, can't understand no|I.don't.like.you, you can be rude as hell to this person & they'll still hit you up tomorrow with a text like aint shit happen. Then you got your "I aint a groupie" groupie. Boast & blast how they're NOT a groupie, but falls in with all the other groupie criteria. What's next? The ones who see that you're in a relationship or talking to someone or at least on some committment|not.available status - that's when they wanna spill their can of beans. On how much they diggin' you, always liked you, -etc -etc -etc. You got your real trifetype. These just don't care, they don't know how to act, don't even attempt to be discrete - just no home training. Crazy ex's, on that Jazmine Sullivan note & ex's that just can't get right, can't let you go. I'm sure there's more, not enough cyberspace to cover all the different types. I just can't get into deep how fickle females are.
It gets annoying as HELL. To not be able to just kick back and vibe with people. I promise you this my closes are either my besties, that I can count on 1hand or studs|ftm`s. I have the benefit of being open with my mum, she knows my business before anyone else, usually she hears the text word4word. I canNOT have lesbians for friends, especially online, because they just get blinded by the photoshop. And as far as in offline? I seem to be attracting jailBAIT. Hell nah, I look 12 but I'm 20 & definitely can go to jail. And penis? Get it STRAIGHT my dude, please.
I don't want a crush. I don't want to be "interested." Nothing's complicated. And no, we can't be "just friends." - Trust me, I'm GOOD.
Chuck your feelings and throw them in the nearest landfill to sit under some plastic that takes 20yrs to decompose. Honestly, it gets a bit annoying. You just vibing with someone, kicking it, just on some real "tell me about you" shit & then they end up liking you. That is NOT the business.
Moreso, what gets me, is that I can be on some real phaggieSTATUS. I mean saggy jeans, t-shirt that hide my (already barely existing] boobs, fittd & listening to some real crazy-"hard" rap? A dude will try to get at me so hard. Like it's quite obviously I like what you like - Go away.
Females are different. They are the most indecent, inconsiderate, incredulous individuals ever. (No I am NOT a woman-hater; I'm a lesbian so whamp] - I have had so many experiences with different types of chicks. There's the infamous groupie type, the one who will comment|own every picture on your page if you let them, can't understand no|I.don't.like.you, you can be rude as hell to this person & they'll still hit you up tomorrow with a text like aint shit happen. Then you got your "I aint a groupie" groupie. Boast & blast how they're NOT a groupie, but falls in with all the other groupie criteria. What's next? The ones who see that you're in a relationship or talking to someone or at least on some committment|not.available status - that's when they wanna spill their can of beans. On how much they diggin' you, always liked you, -etc -etc -etc. You got your real trifetype. These just don't care, they don't know how to act, don't even attempt to be discrete - just no home training. Crazy ex's, on that Jazmine Sullivan note & ex's that just can't get right, can't let you go. I'm sure there's more, not enough cyberspace to cover all the different types. I just can't get into deep how fickle females are.
It gets annoying as HELL. To not be able to just kick back and vibe with people. I promise you this my closes are either my besties, that I can count on 1hand or studs|ftm`s. I have the benefit of being open with my mum, she knows my business before anyone else, usually she hears the text word4word. I canNOT have lesbians for friends, especially online, because they just get blinded by the photoshop. And as far as in offline? I seem to be attracting jailBAIT. Hell nah, I look 12 but I'm 20 & definitely can go to jail. And penis? Get it STRAIGHT my dude, please.
I don't want a crush. I don't want to be "interested." Nothing's complicated. And no, we can't be "just friends." - Trust me, I'm GOOD.
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