Standards of Listening

I like music that I can listen to. i like to hear something that i’ve felt before. that’s what music means to me. it’s a connection, a conversation, a conclusion and in its rarest of form a cleansing. emotions are chief when you’re a cancerian. &i’ve found that the best way for me to deal with the tides is to just plug in my headphones. yes i may cry, laugh, dance, or fall asleep – but music is part of me. it’s woven into the parcels of my misty breath.

So i dont necessarily listen to music that everyone else around me is listening to. it has nothing to do with going opposite of what’s considered mainstream, because there is some Drake on my iPod, &right now that’s as mainstream as it gets. simply put, there’s not a need to filter or reject music based on any classification according to my standards of listening.

My selections ranges from the need to associate. sometimes it’s the need to isolate. but it’s nonetheless always a need; that much I do know. when i was in the 7^th grade i started journaling. not in the form of a diary but more so a log. and in 36 notebooks of different colors i wrote down every song i ever heard that i could connect with. my mother would throw most of them away when we changed addresses for the 4^th time, leaving me to start clean as a freshman at college. . some did survive the move though, most of them my depressing days when i listened to big frog 104; country music which is the bluest of all the blues &just as patriotic as a hot dog and baseball inked away my years of self-infliction, starvation, and searching for self.

Pandora has to be one of the best creations ever. i know, yahoo! music has been up on the radio bit, later came AOL, but Pandora really has it all together (despite all the force close issues &need for updates every 4days, i’m tryna bare with them). the ability to just put one artist is &vibe through those alike is really true. i also listen to Last.fm a lot, same thing just more focused and also a lot more not so mainstream songs available.  iTunes &beyond, technology has engineered the right product for me.

What i’m tryna get at is – i have a need. and that need is always met by music. she’s the one thing that’s never abandoned me, never disappointed me, never did not love me. . the gathering of lyrics, the songstress, beat &rhythm always equals out to be the sum of a good thing. music always has the answereven when im feeling down, it’s a good thing. a contradiction that heals the conflictions in whatever comes.

And as i jot down Artist – Song in the back of my composition notebook, with *’s and ~’s to inform of something different from the rest written, some things dont change. im a lister, and i like to list what im listening to. based on my need. for that reason i dedicate this to H.E.R.  knew you from the day i tried to moonwalk. ive loved you since grandma told me who “Blue Eyes” was, Bold As Love to be tatt’d on my chest and now as i cry to Melody Gardot – this is what i like. me gusta. music, you’ve come a long way &+ though they say things change, you are the one thing that remains the same. 

Fcuk`n Loop Holes

exactly what i went through.

what i've been going through.

&what everyone else around me has been going through.

the fcuk`n loop holes.

"Hey Stranger! Haven't seen you in awhile" -____-

First off, fuck you. Second, this friendship is a two-way deal, therefore you should have checked up on me if you honestly cared about my well-being. That’s an absolute pet peeve of mine! I know that I’ll go out of my way if we haven’t seen or spoken to each other in a while. You got my number, use it. Don’t act all brand new with me and shit. I’ve been here since day one, just cause I lost contact for a short amount of time doesn’t mean that our ties have been cut off. I’ve been going through some family problems and personal problems, those are the main reasons why I’ve been lowkey. I’m sorry that going out and being in the social scene isn’t a priority, I’ve been focusing on me, not other people. Pardon my personal moments and shit, but don’t ever come at me like I’ve never been down with you since day one. 

True Story

Making coffee is probably the most annoying task ever given to me at my job, but somebody's gotta do it. plus when it's really slow or i don't feel like manning the register? it's a good way to burn out a good 25-30mins standing there shuffling around &running water. shit gets real tedious after some time and today the store was real slow anyhow, i guess people in Williamsburg don't need gas or coffee or munchie food. cause we definitely got it all.

i'M changing the coffee out, dumping the old grinds, marking the re-brew time, &putting more coffee in the filter for the next 2 pots, minding mines jamming to pandora in my pocket via the Droid. next i know, a guy who's making his little ice coffee (we sell that too) looks over at me &here comes the downfall. "you live in Williamsburg?" - "yeah...?" - "oh, okay." now it's not the first time i've been asked that question, and it's not the first time i got the "oh, okay." response, you know the response people give you, especially those of the lighter skin complexion ;) when they don't (EX)pect you to reside in such a nice, small, clean, Caucasian dominated place. where your kids go to pre-school to hs together, where the soccer moms roll big, where the pizza guy always had a crush on your daughter type town. 

What was coming next i couldn't ever prepare for. "i should ummm, bring my gf in here" , as he whips out his blackberry, pushes a couple buttons to reveal presumably his gf: real life character from sistah-soulja/zane novel. i'm talking tiny framed, weave droppin`, black mesh shirt, blue skinnies with hands on thee hips image of LaKresha 
(yes, spelled with a K). 

"...Oh" that's all i said cause that's all i could get my mouth to say. "yeah you know, we've been living here for 2yrs &it's hard for her to really meet any friends, cause... well you know what i'm getting at, around here it's difficult, you know. i'm always catchin` slack cause i'm older & (muffles) awhitemaledatingayoungerblackgirl `n so it's hard, but we're doing alright." - "yeah." - "well yeah, so maybe i'll bring her around here, to the store, then you guys can chat, i'm sure you guys have something in common. it'll be good for her." - "yeah" -____- 

Now in my head, i'm already off the richter, i'm talking fcuk 10, i'm at 5011. there's nothing about me that would suggest that i would get along with LaKresha there. how did he come up with this conclusion? i simply wear a brown polo, black jeans, and old black dunks to work. i rock an Aum symbol necklace, with a peace sign hemp-made bracelet, i have a lip piercing, and my music was playing GCH. maybe i'm wrong for judging her, maybe she isn't as bushwick as i gathered. but in all honesty, idgaf. i was judge, i was (PRE)judged. &its not that he took the time to gather up all his information. it wasn't even that he took the time to correct his pronunciation of my name ("AyeIeShaye?"). he simply looked at me, saw i was a female of a minority race complexion &(ASS)U(not)ME that i &her would have something to talk about. i don't know what he was getting at, but i know where my mind placed him. he's the type: the-ignorant-don't-know-any-better-says-things-that-are-so-unpolitically-correct type.

Dude proceeds to finger taste his ice coffee, i guess he doesn't like everything black. re-brew in 2hrs. i'll be making my boy brew that shit, i can't deal. hell i'm thinking, good thing he didn't see the tattoo of Africa on my ankle. he would have really hit the nail on the head. 
i should get a raise for customer tolerance.

Where's the Diamonds?

so I was cleaning up just now after cutting my hair, &+ for some reason i was thinking about how homosexuality is the black. got all these young girls running around here thinking that they're barbies, thinking that having babies when they just a baby is a-okay cause they momma will take care of it and it's a way to keep a man around, and basically how sleeping with another girl (if you're a girl) is alright, &if i see one more talk show host do a special called "gay for pay".

I was just thinking about growing up in my hood. And there was this girl named "diamond" &she was known to be "gay". now even though i had been known i had an attraction for girls, my first kiss was with a girl, the first time i was felt up or "humped" was with a girl; i had no idea what "gay" was or what "homosexuality" was, that shit didn't enter my vocabulary till I was a freshman in hs. i also didn't know it was "wrong" , or such a controversy. for all I knew, girls liked boys and boys liked girls, i liked girls, i was a girl, whatever. who cares. but back to diamond, she was like feared in my hood. i mean when diamond was coming around all the girls would come running in the house "diamond outside! she gonna get you!" it was like a disease you could catch, or atleast back in my childhood it was comparable to being tagged IT.

nowadays? there's such a stigma that comes with even someone thinking you're gay that my moms yells at my 3yr old brother for playing with barbies &liking stuff with glitter. hell he like spiderman and diego too. i think what she needs to realize that all he sees is his daddy drinking &acting like a little btch when he dont his controlling way, and that she always leaves him with my 12yr old jonas brother// justin beiber obsessed sister. there's not really too much else for him to like besides pink and purple shit. shuuu.
&my 12yr old sister just added me on FB. there's no need for her to be scared of "diamond" because her worry is not meeting an old pedophile named Steve that lives down the street. she knows what gay is, she knows what homosexuality is -- hell my cousin, who's also 12, told her that she was bisexual. "ma, ___ said that she gotta girlfriend!" my sister told my mom with her big gray eyes. my mom didn't even question it, she just laughed it off.

i guess what i'm tryna get it is that kids nowadays have way too much exposure to what society wants them to be. and forget about it if you're a minority. and definitely dead your hopes if the child is raised in a lesbian-parent home, because chances are the parent is just as confused as the child will end up. minority lesbians, i've observed are really messy, &those who have kids are a h.a.m. especially because most of them were in a long-term committed relationships with a dude for all their lives, but they're in the same scene as their teenage daughter who just dropped kid number 2 -- they're just gonna fuck with girls.

there's no "diamonds" anymore. so all of everybody basically are just digging in the rough, looking for someone to hold onto, someone that'll give that attention. whoever gives them attention, that's their "best friend."

be easy ya'll !
- Ace