Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

There's certain things that I have in my life that I didn't take advantage of. As sentimental of a being as I am, it's surprising to me how stuck up I am. Let's put all that in past tense because being out here on my own the last year or so really put things into perspective for me. Going away to college changed me but moreso left me feeling misplaced with no where to turn. I don't know if those things are still available. I dont know if I can still make those moments. But if I search and find that they are I will be taking as much advantage of those things as possible. I shouldn't be scared to reach out and use my resources. I shouldn't shut other people out because another might get jealous that I have so I limit my access to those things. Nah, that's no good for me. So for me imma do these things. I have to get off my high horse and get my boots in th mud of life. But I can utilize the help that I have along the way to not make it such a miserable journey.

-peace,

Speaking of That...

Today, while I was at work, I was mistaken for being a boy. It doesn't bother me one bit. Actually I smile and try to keep my voice as low as possible so that they don't get caught off, stare at me, and 'try to figure me out'. Because there isn't any figuring out for me. I've noticed that whenever I think about my sex I get sad. I often wish I was a male, penis included. But I've never identified myself or related to my "transexual(gendered)" friends. I've never wanted to have a top or bottom surgery. I've always just been "one of the boys" without the mental or emotional disconnection within. So I just came onto this thought, this association within myself with my male counterpart. Then I became sad.

The sadness came from the fact that I am only 5'1"... and 3/4ths. Lol. So for me? Shopping is the hardest thing for me. I want to wear guys clothes. There's the complication - because of my height and weight, I have to shop in the Boys section. But now that I have the size fixed? I can't walk around at the age of 21 in footballs and little fishes. Not a good look.

I don't know. I guess it's the whole catch-22. And I guess that's why I was born a girl? My body is shaped like a girl but I'm starting more and more to feel trapped inside this body. And my association is not composed of strong women - but rather strong men. The way it's supposed to be.

Last Year

I had so much life in me. I'm looking at the number of my posts. I thought for sure that it would go UP as I got older and with time I would be able to spill myself onto these keys and write a melody so deep that you'd have to slap yourself to wake up the dream. But not yet, I'm not finding the acceptance in any of my speech that'll allow me to curve my tongue and mistake these letters for verbs. My actions are silenced. And I'm lurking, looking, and searching. Hoping that the words will come back to me. That my passion will actually - be. I'm nothing but a dreamer, a starving artist for lack of better terms. Yet I'm willing and able to become more than what you see me as from behind the scenes I'll arrive on stage. I'll blow up like a suicide bomber. I'm on a mission.

On The Real

I’m tired of everyone wanting to be in a relationship but not be in a realationship. Everyone just wants someone to be with, to talk on the phone, to text all day. No one wants to put in time, no one wants to build a future, no one wants to have a lifelong partner. It’s more so personA thinks personB is cute so they MUST be with that person. They don’t even know this person, they don’t know what this person likes, what they do for a living - anything. Just that they want to have something called a relationship. They don’t want the real thing. And I’m sick of hearing that shit.

Running

I feel like I have to be m.o.r.e., always. Because I've never been enuff. My temperament is one of someone who hasn't been taught love, hasn't been taught social skills - quite frankly? I've always had my way. And when I didn't have my way I didn't have anyone else so I depended on self... It's easier that way. So everything in my life right now is a deep growing experience, one that's going to alter my way of thinking. I have never been on this mind level before. I know this because there is no familiarity here. So it's all a battle, it's all a change... Damn i'm favoring commas today... i guess i got a lot to say so it's just running on.

If I had the dream job it would be to just be happy and create. Start another non-profit organization but on the scale that it would cater to the gray area of age. When you're discovering yourself. I know if I had found a cafe, a poetry place, a smoke shop, a club, an art gallery that would work with me - I would be better than what I am. I'm working on getting better.One step closer to where I want to be, I know where I want to be. And I think because I am not there yet, that's why I'm so hard on myself. Failure is not an option. It's not even a question.