For the Living

It's been over a year since I've posted something on this blog. Though I haven't stopped blogging, I converted to the tumblr world, I keep this blog for my most intimate affairs. I suppose. A year is a long time and often there are grand revelations made after 365 days, but for me I'd say change is most recent. As in this morning recent.

I'm currently reading "Assata: An Autobiography". It's been a long time since I've been interested in reading, but last night I ignored my lover, something I am not happy about, in order to continue reading. I have always connected with "cultural" interests. Being of the 3 most minority group in America (female, person of color, lesbian) I have dealt with more than my share of awkward & uncomfortable situations. This morning on my way to work, I had a vehicular epiphany. So in between weaving in & out traffic, I consulted with myself on what I want from life and my approach.

Perfection; a standard that I have struggled with most of my life and even more present in my adult life. I recently accepted that I will not ever be perfect. I will not ever be at 100% of my expectations. And that is okay. But what is most important, is not lessening my self-worth because I am not at my 100%. To learn balance. To learn content. To learn freedom. What does this have to do with Assata Shakur? Clarity. There is strength in being able to have definition. With definition comes meaning. And that gives one clarity. And Assata inspires me to have definition & all that comes with it.

New goals bring new needs and with those needs come a change in behavior that I hope people are ready for. If I decided to be, who I wish to be, then there will need to be some adjustments in my environment. Not just my physical place of being, but the company I keep, the way I approach situations, so on & so forth. At the end of the day, it is not to mimic behavior or attempt to be a carbon copy - but to understand my possibility. And never letting that possibility be extinguished. As of this morning, my choice is to live. And that is all.

Salaams,

I don't write about, Her
much because I don't like to share, Her
But when I think of words that rhyme
She's the loop that brings it all to full circle
My love, Her, she is the best of all lovers
That I have experienced
And I wouldn't trade her for the world
No I wouldn't.

Twenty{12}.

First off, I don't make resolutions because I can't ever stick to them. No use in setting myself up for more disappointment or to appear to be a liar. No buddy, no bueno. So let's get that straight. What I think about when I'm beginning a new year is "Okay, 364 more days - let's do this". Because I live everyday as if it were my last, I live without regret and with satisfaction that I've done what I came to do for today, if I get tomorrow I'll carry the same mentality. Run on sentences, Idgaf.

So where do I think I'm going this year... What are my "goals" in terms of by this time next year where do I want to be...

Word of 2012: GROWTH. I want to become something, someone different. I think this year, I'll focus on confidence and establishment. I also want to listen more, talk less. I want to develop solid friendships, visiting those that I have planned to &hopefully them coming to visit me. I plan to be more loyal and work on overcoming my fear of commitment. The only thing stopping me from being loved is loving love itself. I really want to take time to find peace within myself, figure out who I am, and develop myself as a brand. Most important, y'know?

I can't say much else, about what I want. I just know that I want more of myself, more for myself. And hopefully when I look around I'll be surrounded by those who love me, care about me, and want to be in my world. No e-thug, no keyboard-g, just really just... Becoming myself.

This is going to be fun.

Salaam,

Theory of Creation

Damn, I was sitting here watching Amel Larrieux's video for "For Real". Realizing how beautiful she is, I Wiki'd her. Her mother is Afro-American & her father is Scottish-Dutch. Cool... Then I thought of how pretty those mixes always are. Nigerian and French, Afro-American and German: Mixes. And I thought of my co-worker, Deb, whose daughter, a 17year blonde, has told her that she wants to have a baby with a Black man. Not because of his strength, his struggle, or his beauty - but because her child will have "curly hair and juicy lips." Then I got to thinking about my own views of having children & I too, have always leaned towards having a mixed child. Lately I've been saying "I need to find a man that's tall, creamy, and handsome" ; a play on the "tall, dark, and handsome". My favorite ex-bf (yes, I know surprising to my readers, I have dated 2 guys my entire life & have never had sex with either of them, FYI) is Hispanic. He's tall, creamy, and handsome.

Am I shallow for thinking this way? I mean really - I just want to have a beautiful child. And I know that genetics are scientific, but looks don't always come out as we think. Just google one of those baby maker things, two beautiful celebrities will have a Freddy Krueger looking baby, LOL.I feel like a traitor, a racial Benedict Arnold. But it's not just the looks, it's also the culture the child would have. Being of mixed background myself, I've always been able to embrace the spectrum. Though my skin is darker and my hair curls up oddly, I have only recently experienced ignorance because of my complexion. I'm 21, so that's 20years of not having to deal with the enigma's of being colored. It has also made me stronger, it has made me not break under the pressures of the system, it has made me not be a victim. I've never needed an "Intervention" to sort through my problems, I never ran to a drug or alcohol to deal. Cause where I'm from it's just something to do among the rest of the bs you face.

It's only recently that I've actually thought of having children. And as I think of it, a lot of my reasons for not wanting a child have been selfish and full of fear. Even as I talk now about having a child, I always say "When I have this child, don't forget about me. I need to be held too." The fears of responsibility, not being a good parent, & the pain of birth have all been heavy on my list of child abstinence. But I've come to learn the beauty of having a child, the pride in that connection, and the decreasing of my selfishness being replaced with the happiness in the idea of sharing mys.e.l.f. with another being, a being of me.

So there's a lot that goes into the plans. It just struck me odd - it just struck me hurtful. But I've also always had this theory that the world will not erase racism until races no longer exist. Until you cannot an Afro-American from an African, until you cannot tell a Bosnian from a Russian, a Mexican from a Dominican. Until those lines are so blurred that everyone is just as creamy as milk.

Maybe having a child of my own will prove my hypothesis correct.



Salaam,


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Editors Note: I know it's weird, but this is not to be mixed with my sexual identity. This is just a personal rant, a freeing of thoughts. Because I still feel "better" or more comfortable when I look at myself as a (genderlyspeaking)male. Yet the idea of bringing a child in this world, comes from I guess you could say the 'female'.

Thankful

I was at work from 930am till 5. It sucked major monkey butt. People asking for the most random shit because we were literally the only store open. But my favorite customer, Larry, came into the store tonight to get his daily lottery. When he saw I was working he was not having it. So he went home, made me 2 plates - 1 with all the works: mac&cheese, mashed potatoes, greens, turkey, steak & peppers, stuffing (or dressing lol) and 1 with peach cobbler & candy yams. "From us to you sweetheart" he said, after punking out the White boy, Mikey, about how "stuffing supposed to look. Not that dry stuff y'all be having!" Lol, much love.

And that right there - I am Thankful for.

Random Rant

I need to get over my insecurity of being short. My height is probably the biggest challenge I face in the mirror. I don't wear what I want to wear, I can't fit into clothes the way I want to, and everything else. I'm extremely insecure about my height. And it's something that I used to NOT be so bothered by. But now that I'm considered an ''adult'' in this fcuked up judgmental world, I feel more and more annoyed that I'm of short stature. I don't know... I guess it's just another one of those I gotta work on accepting. Cause ain't no way in changing this one.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

There's certain things that I have in my life that I didn't take advantage of. As sentimental of a being as I am, it's surprising to me how stuck up I am. Let's put all that in past tense because being out here on my own the last year or so really put things into perspective for me. Going away to college changed me but moreso left me feeling misplaced with no where to turn. I don't know if those things are still available. I dont know if I can still make those moments. But if I search and find that they are I will be taking as much advantage of those things as possible. I shouldn't be scared to reach out and use my resources. I shouldn't shut other people out because another might get jealous that I have so I limit my access to those things. Nah, that's no good for me. So for me imma do these things. I have to get off my high horse and get my boots in th mud of life. But I can utilize the help that I have along the way to not make it such a miserable journey.

-peace,