For the Living

It's been over a year since I've posted something on this blog. Though I haven't stopped blogging, I converted to the tumblr world, I keep this blog for my most intimate affairs. I suppose. A year is a long time and often there are grand revelations made after 365 days, but for me I'd say change is most recent. As in this morning recent.

I'm currently reading "Assata: An Autobiography". It's been a long time since I've been interested in reading, but last night I ignored my lover, something I am not happy about, in order to continue reading. I have always connected with "cultural" interests. Being of the 3 most minority group in America (female, person of color, lesbian) I have dealt with more than my share of awkward & uncomfortable situations. This morning on my way to work, I had a vehicular epiphany. So in between weaving in & out traffic, I consulted with myself on what I want from life and my approach.

Perfection; a standard that I have struggled with most of my life and even more present in my adult life. I recently accepted that I will not ever be perfect. I will not ever be at 100% of my expectations. And that is okay. But what is most important, is not lessening my self-worth because I am not at my 100%. To learn balance. To learn content. To learn freedom. What does this have to do with Assata Shakur? Clarity. There is strength in being able to have definition. With definition comes meaning. And that gives one clarity. And Assata inspires me to have definition & all that comes with it.

New goals bring new needs and with those needs come a change in behavior that I hope people are ready for. If I decided to be, who I wish to be, then there will need to be some adjustments in my environment. Not just my physical place of being, but the company I keep, the way I approach situations, so on & so forth. At the end of the day, it is not to mimic behavior or attempt to be a carbon copy - but to understand my possibility. And never letting that possibility be extinguished. As of this morning, my choice is to live. And that is all.

Salaams,

I don't write about, Her
much because I don't like to share, Her
But when I think of words that rhyme
She's the loop that brings it all to full circle
My love, Her, she is the best of all lovers
That I have experienced
And I wouldn't trade her for the world
No I wouldn't.

In A Way

Kinda funny how shit turns out. There's no running because in the end you're right back where you began. Irony or Result? I don't think it's irony, I believe that life knows that there cannot be a new without a finish.

The past 2 years I've spent blaming on everyone and everything else. Excuses became my crutch, explaining my obstacles & pretty much depending on them. When those got tired, I blamed people. Whoever it was, I just had a scape, a patsy. But now if you ask me I'm ready.

I'm finally taking true steps and actions to get myself on the right path. And though all this disaster and downfall is occurring all around me - I feel good. I've got a brand new outlook on life. To wallow in one's sorrow never does them any good. You have to get up and keep it moving. Because it's not the fall that matters, it's the fact that you got back up & recovered. So life is funny that way.

Might not be such a bad idea after all.

Theory of Creation

Damn, I was sitting here watching Amel Larrieux's video for "For Real". Realizing how beautiful she is, I Wiki'd her. Her mother is Afro-American & her father is Scottish-Dutch. Cool... Then I thought of how pretty those mixes always are. Nigerian and French, Afro-American and German: Mixes. And I thought of my co-worker, Deb, whose daughter, a 17year blonde, has told her that she wants to have a baby with a Black man. Not because of his strength, his struggle, or his beauty - but because her child will have "curly hair and juicy lips." Then I got to thinking about my own views of having children & I too, have always leaned towards having a mixed child. Lately I've been saying "I need to find a man that's tall, creamy, and handsome" ; a play on the "tall, dark, and handsome". My favorite ex-bf (yes, I know surprising to my readers, I have dated 2 guys my entire life & have never had sex with either of them, FYI) is Hispanic. He's tall, creamy, and handsome.

Am I shallow for thinking this way? I mean really - I just want to have a beautiful child. And I know that genetics are scientific, but looks don't always come out as we think. Just google one of those baby maker things, two beautiful celebrities will have a Freddy Krueger looking baby, LOL.I feel like a traitor, a racial Benedict Arnold. But it's not just the looks, it's also the culture the child would have. Being of mixed background myself, I've always been able to embrace the spectrum. Though my skin is darker and my hair curls up oddly, I have only recently experienced ignorance because of my complexion. I'm 21, so that's 20years of not having to deal with the enigma's of being colored. It has also made me stronger, it has made me not break under the pressures of the system, it has made me not be a victim. I've never needed an "Intervention" to sort through my problems, I never ran to a drug or alcohol to deal. Cause where I'm from it's just something to do among the rest of the bs you face.

It's only recently that I've actually thought of having children. And as I think of it, a lot of my reasons for not wanting a child have been selfish and full of fear. Even as I talk now about having a child, I always say "When I have this child, don't forget about me. I need to be held too." The fears of responsibility, not being a good parent, & the pain of birth have all been heavy on my list of child abstinence. But I've come to learn the beauty of having a child, the pride in that connection, and the decreasing of my selfishness being replaced with the happiness in the idea of sharing mys.e.l.f. with another being, a being of me.

So there's a lot that goes into the plans. It just struck me odd - it just struck me hurtful. But I've also always had this theory that the world will not erase racism until races no longer exist. Until you cannot an Afro-American from an African, until you cannot tell a Bosnian from a Russian, a Mexican from a Dominican. Until those lines are so blurred that everyone is just as creamy as milk.

Maybe having a child of my own will prove my hypothesis correct.



Salaam,


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Editors Note: I know it's weird, but this is not to be mixed with my sexual identity. This is just a personal rant, a freeing of thoughts. Because I still feel "better" or more comfortable when I look at myself as a (genderlyspeaking)male. Yet the idea of bringing a child in this world, comes from I guess you could say the 'female'.

Fools Rush In

I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. Everytime I found someone interesting & attractive, and became monogamous to/with them - I made that person the center of my world. One of my ex's, like 3years ago, told me that I rush into love too fast. And at the time I thought she was being spiteful and being hateful towards me, afterall this was right after her telling me that she was playing me for some other female. Digg? Right. But sitting here thinking about it I agree, sorta.

Love is something that has to be nurtured and catered to. Once you stop doing that and start pushing it into whatever "idea" you have it to be - you fuck it up. Trust, take it from me. I have done a lot of stupid things lately, because I had this idea of love and what I wanted. It's also a very selfish manner of going about things. Because a relationship is 2-sided, always. And if it's only one-sided then you'll look around and soon realize that you've been doing everything for yourself. Not for your relationship. And you're alone. Lol, word.

So my advice to you is to not rush love. Definitely don't push someone to be in a relationship with you, because if they're not ready - they are not ready. And then you just gonna be mad and bitter, breaking up something brand new, looking like a damn fool on Facebook. If you're already in a relationship and you're struggling to keep it together, step back and look at why there's the rifts there. More often then not it's a lack of communication. Just because you're listening doesn't mean you're hearing. Cause I damn sure ain't been the best at that one.

But I'm trying to change my ways.

Dead Zone: L_ve

Relationships.

I'm not too good at those things. I've always connected to songs of desperation, of emotional turmoil, of lacking intimacy & commitment - I've always been terrified of l_ve. You see, my mother never really showed me how to l_ve. And my father has told me that I am nothing more than the sperm that dripped from his nutsack (I quote that). So when it comes to my best examples of l_ve & relationships, I don't have too much to base my experimentation on.

Yet I've tried. I've been in a solid 4 relationships, I've also had my share of encounters/relations. I consider myself who learns from their past. But being a cancer also means that I usually develop a fear from my past & try to avoid it at all cost. Resulting, I am not at all easy to l_ve. Though I am extremely sensitive, I am guarded. I often formulate these ideas in my head & (self)conclusively I shut myself down. Thus, shutting l_ve out.

Without that spark/inner-light, I zombify myself. I do what I believe is "right" because Being forbid I'm wrong. So dismissive that I check myself out of everything around me. I mesh into this shattered individual sifting through days like flour in between fingers. In a lot of ways I make my fears/past come true.

I force myself into this dead zone. Into this cemetery. And thus buried along with my heart, is my relationships. My emotions. My person. And when it's final dug up, you look around & nobody is there at your tombstone missing you. Instead, you are nothing more than a plastic stick w/ a note on it that's blown away in the winds of past days.

Heard It All Before

I know, I know - y'all heard it all before. I can't believe that I've managed to keep a blog running for over a year. I'm the kueng of unfinished things. I always begin and forget to end things. I'm already tired of the ''2011'' bs that's circling the worldwideweb right about now. But I can't front; I'm looking forward|ahead for this next year. I have so much in plan.

For one, I'm going to journal myself daily. I'm not sure if it's going to be on the web or not, it will definitely be written though. I'm also going to work on developing my design-line. And lastly, I'm going to get back into school for the Fall Semester. Idgaf if I have to work 3,5jobs.

Confidence does not yield arrogance. These two are not one in the same and much too often the lines get crossed. Mixed signals can impact a first impression. And there's not second chance at making that.

Per usual, I will be dedicated a 2010 Note via my Facebook to those selected. The previous 2years I have included "interests", that resulted into nothing. So I'm teetering the line on that one, yet all in all I am excited. This year flew by no doubt. I'm not really in the Christmas spirit, hence me talking about my New Years plans already. Lol.

Peace,

I don't believe that you can re-transition to a pass 'you.' So when people say "I gotta get me back", you never lost you. I feel like if you don't grow then you won't progress. That's why the people who stay in the same city they grew up in, when you go visit them 20years after high school they still doing the same shit, fucking the same nigga, and even having that same ass hairdo. You have to change some shit up. You have to 'get out' and see the world. At least a different state.

I'm a roamer. I've probably lived in 20 different cities in the last 3years. And I love that about me. It's a new way for me to push my limits of my comfort. Currently, I'm only stable because I need to pay off a tuition bill to get back into school. But once that happens I'll probably be back on my hopping grind. There's no hurt in that to me. I have to experience a different because that's always been my situation: different.

Random Rant

I need to get over my insecurity of being short. My height is probably the biggest challenge I face in the mirror. I don't wear what I want to wear, I can't fit into clothes the way I want to, and everything else. I'm extremely insecure about my height. And it's something that I used to NOT be so bothered by. But now that I'm considered an ''adult'' in this fcuked up judgmental world, I feel more and more annoyed that I'm of short stature. I don't know... I guess it's just another one of those I gotta work on accepting. Cause ain't no way in changing this one.