For the Living

It's been over a year since I've posted something on this blog. Though I haven't stopped blogging, I converted to the tumblr world, I keep this blog for my most intimate affairs. I suppose. A year is a long time and often there are grand revelations made after 365 days, but for me I'd say change is most recent. As in this morning recent.

I'm currently reading "Assata: An Autobiography". It's been a long time since I've been interested in reading, but last night I ignored my lover, something I am not happy about, in order to continue reading. I have always connected with "cultural" interests. Being of the 3 most minority group in America (female, person of color, lesbian) I have dealt with more than my share of awkward & uncomfortable situations. This morning on my way to work, I had a vehicular epiphany. So in between weaving in & out traffic, I consulted with myself on what I want from life and my approach.

Perfection; a standard that I have struggled with most of my life and even more present in my adult life. I recently accepted that I will not ever be perfect. I will not ever be at 100% of my expectations. And that is okay. But what is most important, is not lessening my self-worth because I am not at my 100%. To learn balance. To learn content. To learn freedom. What does this have to do with Assata Shakur? Clarity. There is strength in being able to have definition. With definition comes meaning. And that gives one clarity. And Assata inspires me to have definition & all that comes with it.

New goals bring new needs and with those needs come a change in behavior that I hope people are ready for. If I decided to be, who I wish to be, then there will need to be some adjustments in my environment. Not just my physical place of being, but the company I keep, the way I approach situations, so on & so forth. At the end of the day, it is not to mimic behavior or attempt to be a carbon copy - but to understand my possibility. And never letting that possibility be extinguished. As of this morning, my choice is to live. And that is all.

Salaams,

Twenty{12}.

First off, I don't make resolutions because I can't ever stick to them. No use in setting myself up for more disappointment or to appear to be a liar. No buddy, no bueno. So let's get that straight. What I think about when I'm beginning a new year is "Okay, 364 more days - let's do this". Because I live everyday as if it were my last, I live without regret and with satisfaction that I've done what I came to do for today, if I get tomorrow I'll carry the same mentality. Run on sentences, Idgaf.

So where do I think I'm going this year... What are my "goals" in terms of by this time next year where do I want to be...

Word of 2012: GROWTH. I want to become something, someone different. I think this year, I'll focus on confidence and establishment. I also want to listen more, talk less. I want to develop solid friendships, visiting those that I have planned to &hopefully them coming to visit me. I plan to be more loyal and work on overcoming my fear of commitment. The only thing stopping me from being loved is loving love itself. I really want to take time to find peace within myself, figure out who I am, and develop myself as a brand. Most important, y'know?

I can't say much else, about what I want. I just know that I want more of myself, more for myself. And hopefully when I look around I'll be surrounded by those who love me, care about me, and want to be in my world. No e-thug, no keyboard-g, just really just... Becoming myself.

This is going to be fun.

Salaam,

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

There's certain things that I have in my life that I didn't take advantage of. As sentimental of a being as I am, it's surprising to me how stuck up I am. Let's put all that in past tense because being out here on my own the last year or so really put things into perspective for me. Going away to college changed me but moreso left me feeling misplaced with no where to turn. I don't know if those things are still available. I dont know if I can still make those moments. But if I search and find that they are I will be taking as much advantage of those things as possible. I shouldn't be scared to reach out and use my resources. I shouldn't shut other people out because another might get jealous that I have so I limit my access to those things. Nah, that's no good for me. So for me imma do these things. I have to get off my high horse and get my boots in th mud of life. But I can utilize the help that I have along the way to not make it such a miserable journey.

-peace,