For the Living

It's been over a year since I've posted something on this blog. Though I haven't stopped blogging, I converted to the tumblr world, I keep this blog for my most intimate affairs. I suppose. A year is a long time and often there are grand revelations made after 365 days, but for me I'd say change is most recent. As in this morning recent.

I'm currently reading "Assata: An Autobiography". It's been a long time since I've been interested in reading, but last night I ignored my lover, something I am not happy about, in order to continue reading. I have always connected with "cultural" interests. Being of the 3 most minority group in America (female, person of color, lesbian) I have dealt with more than my share of awkward & uncomfortable situations. This morning on my way to work, I had a vehicular epiphany. So in between weaving in & out traffic, I consulted with myself on what I want from life and my approach.

Perfection; a standard that I have struggled with most of my life and even more present in my adult life. I recently accepted that I will not ever be perfect. I will not ever be at 100% of my expectations. And that is okay. But what is most important, is not lessening my self-worth because I am not at my 100%. To learn balance. To learn content. To learn freedom. What does this have to do with Assata Shakur? Clarity. There is strength in being able to have definition. With definition comes meaning. And that gives one clarity. And Assata inspires me to have definition & all that comes with it.

New goals bring new needs and with those needs come a change in behavior that I hope people are ready for. If I decided to be, who I wish to be, then there will need to be some adjustments in my environment. Not just my physical place of being, but the company I keep, the way I approach situations, so on & so forth. At the end of the day, it is not to mimic behavior or attempt to be a carbon copy - but to understand my possibility. And never letting that possibility be extinguished. As of this morning, my choice is to live. And that is all.

Salaams,

I don't write about, Her
much because I don't like to share, Her
But when I think of words that rhyme
She's the loop that brings it all to full circle
My love, Her, she is the best of all lovers
That I have experienced
And I wouldn't trade her for the world
No I wouldn't.

Twenty{12}.

First off, I don't make resolutions because I can't ever stick to them. No use in setting myself up for more disappointment or to appear to be a liar. No buddy, no bueno. So let's get that straight. What I think about when I'm beginning a new year is "Okay, 364 more days - let's do this". Because I live everyday as if it were my last, I live without regret and with satisfaction that I've done what I came to do for today, if I get tomorrow I'll carry the same mentality. Run on sentences, Idgaf.

So where do I think I'm going this year... What are my "goals" in terms of by this time next year where do I want to be...

Word of 2012: GROWTH. I want to become something, someone different. I think this year, I'll focus on confidence and establishment. I also want to listen more, talk less. I want to develop solid friendships, visiting those that I have planned to &hopefully them coming to visit me. I plan to be more loyal and work on overcoming my fear of commitment. The only thing stopping me from being loved is loving love itself. I really want to take time to find peace within myself, figure out who I am, and develop myself as a brand. Most important, y'know?

I can't say much else, about what I want. I just know that I want more of myself, more for myself. And hopefully when I look around I'll be surrounded by those who love me, care about me, and want to be in my world. No e-thug, no keyboard-g, just really just... Becoming myself.

This is going to be fun.

Salaam,

Happy Birthday Jigga.

Excuse me while I get all personal and shit…

One thing you know about me, if you know me, is that I love me some Jay-z. Yes, that was a mock of Beyonce. I have all 15 albums (collabs included) by Jay, some of ‘em I got double copies - hardcopy and digital. Just because I admire his talent.

My mother is a big Jay-Z fan. Son, when I was younger I remember my Mom driving around Brooklyn, always had to go to Marcy projects. I used to be like “Ma. Jay-z is not gonna be in no damn projects.” Even to this day she still love him, talking about “You know Sean Carter is your real father.”

Like knowing all Mary J. Blige songs, I grew up reciting Jay-Z’s lyrics. Not bias, I listened to Nas too, due to my father. Guess you could say I got the best of both worlds with my parents. Understanding the power of music, beat, and rhyme I fell in love with hip-hop. I did my senior class AP English project on “The Elements of Hip-hop”.

So now that I’m an adult, I have a deeper notion of content. I listen to music on different levels, for different reasons. And when it comes to Jay? I do that music head nod to whatever it is. His lyrical flow is so nasty. I feel like Jay-Z being ‘featured’ on any track is going to uplift whatever record he’s on, no question. The way he twists and contorts words is something that I feel like no other artist has been able to do - it’s authentic. That’s what I appreciate about his work.

For Jay-Z to be 40+years old, still producing record selling albums, with sold out tours, and signing the hottest new artist(s) in the business right now undeniably speaks for itself. I need not say anymore about him having “the hottest chick in the game” at his side. What more can I say?

Happy Birthday Jigga.

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Photo: Designed & Created by Me

Already November,

Currently, I'm reading Huey. Huey's so deep and beyond some other shit that I've never come across, ever before in my life. Like he starts off this book with "I started studying law to become a better burglar". How more real can you get? In reading Huey, I've come to identify with him, his thought, and his logic. I smile at the things he says. Knowing that I should be more like Bobby Seale, in my efforts to bring about change, I find Huey more entertaining, more... eye for an eye type. Seems fair to me. I'm taking notes on Huey, getting to know him and getting to know pointers on this whole "America" situation I'm stuck in. It's definitely something for me. Something to me.


Besides reading, I'm working. Working on getting new place to work at. Because this new place isn't working for me. I've never been somewhere where everywhere you go everyone is miserable, thus their only thriving desire in life is to make the next person miserable. I feel like, in my heart I believe this, my old boss threw me under the bus - like a city bus or a school bus with like 60 screaming children on it. It hurt me, but at the same time I don't know why I expected much else. There was a bitterness at the end of my employment with her, seeing as how she would due to my departure have to work, I would be a little upset too. (Lol). So now I'm trying to piece together reliable people, who will speak highly of my work ethic and will give me the credit that I am do. It's crazy, it's like Massachusetts is a state full of taxes and plagiarizing mf's - who just want to get all the praise and not give you a raise. I'll show `em.


In other news, I'm looking forward to moving. This time it'll be to CT (I know, I've lived up & down the Eastern board). I'm really feeling good about this one, feeling like regardless what comes of it ; it will be a better situation than the one I am in currently. And I will take that with two strokes and a goldfish, do you understand me right now? Being closer to theCity, I'll be back on my scene. And back on my scene means one step closer back to me. Along with the plans I have to Love, things can only get better after being so far down. I'm ampd.



Seems like winter's going to be here a little bit earlier than predicted. I mean, the weather man is of no real use anymore. "It may be sunny or a chance of rain today" like thank you kumquat. I'm a little on edge right now. Like my brain is doing laps around and around and around. Slighty schizo, possibly, mental illness does run in my family.... Meh, I'll be around.



Salaam,