Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thankful

I was at work from 930am till 5. It sucked major monkey butt. People asking for the most random shit because we were literally the only store open. But my favorite customer, Larry, came into the store tonight to get his daily lottery. When he saw I was working he was not having it. So he went home, made me 2 plates - 1 with all the works: mac&cheese, mashed potatoes, greens, turkey, steak & peppers, stuffing (or dressing lol) and 1 with peach cobbler & candy yams. "From us to you sweetheart" he said, after punking out the White boy, Mikey, about how "stuffing supposed to look. Not that dry stuff y'all be having!" Lol, much love.

And that right there - I am Thankful for.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Random Rant

I need to get over my insecurity of being short. My height is probably the biggest challenge I face in the mirror. I don't wear what I want to wear, I can't fit into clothes the way I want to, and everything else. I'm extremely insecure about my height. And it's something that I used to NOT be so bothered by. But now that I'm considered an ''adult'' in this fcuked up judgmental world, I feel more and more annoyed that I'm of short stature. I don't know... I guess it's just another one of those I gotta work on accepting. Cause ain't no way in changing this one.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Battle Inside

You gotta be a big girl now
No time for tears
There's no time to sit on the sideline
I need you in the game
The balls coming your way
Don't pass go
Do not collect $200
Just
Stay

Friday, November 12, 2010

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

There's certain things that I have in my life that I didn't take advantage of. As sentimental of a being as I am, it's surprising to me how stuck up I am. Let's put all that in past tense because being out here on my own the last year or so really put things into perspective for me. Going away to college changed me but moreso left me feeling misplaced with no where to turn. I don't know if those things are still available. I dont know if I can still make those moments. But if I search and find that they are I will be taking as much advantage of those things as possible. I shouldn't be scared to reach out and use my resources. I shouldn't shut other people out because another might get jealous that I have so I limit my access to those things. Nah, that's no good for me. So for me imma do these things. I have to get off my high horse and get my boots in th mud of life. But I can utilize the help that I have along the way to not make it such a miserable journey.

-peace,

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Speaking of That...

Today, while I was at work, I was mistaken for being a boy. It doesn't bother me one bit. Actually I smile and try to keep my voice as low as possible so that they don't get caught off, stare at me, and 'try to figure me out'. Because there isn't any figuring out for me. I've noticed that whenever I think about my sex I get sad. I often wish I was a male, penis included. But I've never identified myself or related to my "transexual(gendered)" friends. I've never wanted to have a top or bottom surgery. I've always just been "one of the boys" without the mental or emotional disconnection within. So I just came onto this thought, this association within myself with my male counterpart. Then I became sad.

The sadness came from the fact that I am only 5'1"... and 3/4ths. Lol. So for me? Shopping is the hardest thing for me. I want to wear guys clothes. There's the complication - because of my height and weight, I have to shop in the Boys section. But now that I have the size fixed? I can't walk around at the age of 21 in footballs and little fishes. Not a good look.

I don't know. I guess it's the whole catch-22. And I guess that's why I was born a girl? My body is shaped like a girl but I'm starting more and more to feel trapped inside this body. And my association is not composed of strong women - but rather strong men. The way it's supposed to be.
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