Sunday, November 7, 2010

Speaking of That...

Today, while I was at work, I was mistaken for being a boy. It doesn't bother me one bit. Actually I smile and try to keep my voice as low as possible so that they don't get caught off, stare at me, and 'try to figure me out'. Because there isn't any figuring out for me. I've noticed that whenever I think about my sex I get sad. I often wish I was a male, penis included. But I've never identified myself or related to my "transexual(gendered)" friends. I've never wanted to have a top or bottom surgery. I've always just been "one of the boys" without the mental or emotional disconnection within. So I just came onto this thought, this association within myself with my male counterpart. Then I became sad.

The sadness came from the fact that I am only 5'1"... and 3/4ths. Lol. So for me? Shopping is the hardest thing for me. I want to wear guys clothes. There's the complication - because of my height and weight, I have to shop in the Boys section. But now that I have the size fixed? I can't walk around at the age of 21 in footballs and little fishes. Not a good look.

I don't know. I guess it's the whole catch-22. And I guess that's why I was born a girl? My body is shaped like a girl but I'm starting more and more to feel trapped inside this body. And my association is not composed of strong women - but rather strong men. The way it's supposed to be.

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