Monday, November 30, 2009

You're Just A Phase.

Call it women's intuition, but I think I'm onto something here. Temporaryism has been the black plague and the Jesus of our age. I know I must sound opinionated, maybe biased and quite possibly jaded. But sooner than later they'll be throwing quarters at you on stage

Who are you? When will you be through?
Yea it's just a will be over soon

Thursday, November 19, 2009

A Good Death.

Lately a lot of things in my life have been screaming "death" to me. Dreams, I've seen myself in the stranger of situations - dying or staring at death. I call them bad dreams, not nightmares; my night doesn't mirror my light days. This year has been full of tragedy. My family has suffered, my friends have lost, a recession taking toll on life. In Philosophy class Monday we discussed proxies and living wills and watched a movie on a woman who had what I deemed as the perfect ending of life. She was told how long she had to live with cancer, she had time to create memories &say goodbye... She figured out how to die "A Good Death."

For weeks I have held on to a book by Mitch Albom called "Tuesdays with Morrie - an old man, a young man, & life's greatest lesson." There's many anecdotes and quotes I could write but I'd rather you read something other than the norm. I began this book at 1130 this morning, I believe it'll be finished by that time tomorrow morning. The need to continue to turn the pages is between the lines of Morrie's answers. He isn't able to live but he is not yet dead - so he is somewhere in between. We all know we're going to die, we just don't believe it. Fact.

We all have this belief that when we die, the world will stop, everyone will be made aware of our passing, and it will be the most important occurrence in the world. However, we all have attended a funeral &have lost a loved one. How we handled it for that individual, will be how they handle ours.  That is reality, it is normal action.

Why am I writing this? When death occurs we have this feeling, for a few days we are hit with the reality of death. We make these promises, these vows, our of fear of not living a fulfilled life. But we eventually, and often sooner than later, get caught back up in societies blur. As long as there is something to do, we feel the need to do it. So with the creation of better technology, the lack of social interaction, how are we really advancing?

The key to living is loving. The difference between a career and a job. A fling and a partner. We love those that we enjoy life through and with. We aren't taught to love, we are taught to do what it takes to gain riches. We are taught "right from wrong". Generic in terms &useless in life, especially when you look at the sum of all things. If we do not have happiness in life, we will live in unhappiness. Miserable and mangled.

Death is a reality, a reality that needs to be seen in the ''real'' world. Truth be told, I'm not afraid to die - I am afraid of being forgotten. I am afraid of the day I do die because I know that I will only be a mere object to everyone's lives, it will not honestly matter if I was ever here or not.... that is if that is how I want it to be. Photo's, journals, letters; all ways we try to steal a little out of deaths suitcase. When in actuality if we just start with living, we'd get a lot more out of life, leaving less for us to pack up when death comes. And it will, we know it will, we just don't believe it.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Measured Perfectly.

she tells me that she's not perfect
but if she only noticed that the antonym it[self]
is an alteration of word place - imperfection;
im perfection.

&no, she may not be perfect
but her flaws construct the line that
methodically draws momentum of an on screen
pulsation; she runs through me

she enters me, leaves me weak at my knees
&makes it hard to breathe.
it's almost as if i've been overtaken by her presence
but not possessed; still i am her possession
i belong to her as if i'm her sixth sense

i've longed for her touch ever since
well, like this ellipsis
[dot dot dot]

telling stories of life &l_ve
that would tear the notebook apart
becoming something so divine that hancocks alcoholism
cannot [over]stand our intoxication
she's my perfect drug

chemically measured in the right amount
if there is such a thing as an overdose on good
mmm. . .take me higher love

take me somewhere
i don't care where it is
as long as it's with you

that's my heaven, my paradise.
my eternal bliss & blurr of perfection.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

No Gender.

Recently I have been thinking about gender boxes, and how one is basically shoved into a box. If you don't identify as a female anymore? That means you're transitioning into a male. Don't want to use female pronouns? Ok male pronouns then. Seems that it's difficult to stay somewhere in the middle... and the mainstream seem to not want to have to deal with something as strange as neutral pronouns, and the thought of maybe not identifying as either genders. I've noticed a pattern too, that if a female bodied person says they are genderqueer, people assume that they will only want to express themselves in a masculine way... which I think is kinda crappy. I sometime feel this pressure to ONLY express myself in a masculine way, and while I do mostly only want to wear "masculine" clothes and be flat chested etc, I keep in mind that this is how I feel right now, one day I might want to prettify myself and go out in a dress but I hesitate to do so, because of the fear that people would then doubt and question my gender identity and think that me in a dress somehow invalidates my identity.

As I stepped away from the female gender box, I felt the pull toward the male gender box. Some people started using masculine pronouns for me, and male terms, I at first found it curious, exciting, and fun, but over time, I've come to the conclusion that the male gender feels just as wrong, if not more. I just end up feeling stuck in yet another box, and it feels as if I am ignoring/denying one aspect of me. I am not completely male, nor am I completely female. I like being able to express myself however I want on whatever day, and I am realizing more and more that I like being as androgynous as possible right now as it gives me a lot of freedom to go either way, it's nice having that freedom.

I guess, ultimately I prefer everything to be neutral. Neutral pronouns [ze/hir/they/their], neutral terms [ie: elf, dude -yes that's neutral to me-, person, individual, etc], and there's some female terms I am okay with, such as sister, daughter, mostly family related stuff though because that's what I am to my family and I am okay with it, and it feels more right than brother or son. I am starting to think that also, in society in general, I am okay with being seen as female and having female pronouns being used. I can't be bothered to correct people who I don't even care about in the first place. But with friends [and family], I would appreciate the effort to use neutral pronouns/terms. I'm trying hard to not shove myself into yet another box. I need to remind myself that it's okay to choose to express myself in any way, as a female-bodied genderqueer. So if anyone has been using masculine/feminine terms etc, let's drop it... unless I am in character/drag... which I don't do.
There was an error in this gadget