Monday, August 31, 2009

Sweet Reluctance.

A spotlight
Starstruck like Santogold,
minus the glitter & tights.
Walking through the City streets
on a adventure unlike any other
No not on a tourist note
Just to go celebrate through his death
Michael Jackson's life.

We never made it.

Hectic work schedules
Intermixed with a new love affair
None of this was planned kinda just
fell into her lap;

The spotlight switched.

The beam that was just days ago cold
and searching was now stabilized.
This ending of the week was a surprise
But not one of shock; but empty promises
Now have been filled.

Overwhelmed.

14th street delivered from the J
Looked for the S but never saw the gray dot
Ended up on the Q back to Union Square
Halloween suites & craving everything edible.

Can't eat till the sunsets.
Can't eat till the sunsets.
Can't eat till the sunsets.
Why are we doing this to ourselves?

Walked right into the sign
Black & White.

Admittance that w.e. have changed
Makes me feel like I'm not alone
If I have to travel 368miles I'd do it again
Minus the fuckface ; but all the same

Long lost lover?
According to some.

Exception Clause always stands -
I have my h.e.r.
& you have mr. awkward.

High school associates
Swallowing our nonsense
(because that's all it was]
Tripping over life falling face first.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Nope.

no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Superfluous Deliberation.

Late night conversations led to oversleeping battles facing insomnia from catching-up through the years. Forced through the tears to swallow my fears & understand something; I've changed.

Woke up & turned over, she was praying. I should be doing the same but I'm just not that ready - not that converted. However my switch board has fastforward; Brand new step towards it - I am fasting. Dishing away at the wildness of betrayal & self-inflicting vengeance to overcoming one's own subjectivity of self.

Yet, she objects to being just an object; soft brown skin & delicately overworked has been a spotlight in my life for so long. How is now that I lay with her under the City streetlights, on adventure to celebrate the life of Michael turning into a dead-end cloaked in the darkness of train-lines & confusion. Out of the window pondering about the illusions & illustrations of graffiti designs who toiled in these same undergrounds.

A parallel lifestyle wondering how to exist in the same place, same time.

Planted inside of me a rush of emotions & excitement ready to spread it's vines & to mushroom over. But we can not eat until 7:33pm, that's when the sunsets. Rest comes like dish bubbles blow out of the sink. This rush was not expected yet feelings are digested & directing us to build this into something great.

Maybe not as amazing as sweet settlements of satisfaction.

But I'm sure we'll come close. It just feels so right, it's so damn good. It's natural as a transfer on a train ride.

Dazzling even.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Just Friends, Pshhh.

You know what's crazy? The fact that I have all these frkn "friends" ; but unless they're 100% straight (n.e.v.e.r. could|would|thoughtof|justNO]- they end up crushing on me. This is not a blog to stroke myEGO, there's enough picture comments & testimonials in my world to do that. Besides I'm pretty good on my self-esteem level thanks. I just want to cross|admit|exploit the fact that dude - DUDE, I have like no legit friends. Why? Because they all "feel something more."

Chuck your feelings and throw them in the nearest landfill to sit under some plastic that takes 20yrs to decompose. Honestly, it gets a bit annoying. You just vibing with someone, kicking it, just on some real "tell me about you" shit & then they end up liking you. That is NOT the business.

Moreso, what gets me, is that I can be on some real phaggieSTATUS. I mean saggy jeans, t-shirt that hide my (already barely existing] boobs, fittd & listening to some real crazy-"hard" rap? A dude will try to get at me so hard. Like it's quite obviously I like what you like - Go away.

Females are different. They are the most indecent, inconsiderate, incredulous individuals ever. (No I am NOT a woman-hater; I'm a lesbian so whamp] - I have had so many experiences with different types of chicks. There's the infamous groupie type, the one who will comment|own every picture on your page if you let them, can't understand no|I.don't.like.you, you can be rude as hell to this person & they'll still hit you up tomorrow with a text like aint shit happen. Then you got your "I aint a groupie" groupie. Boast & blast how they're NOT a groupie, but falls in with all the other groupie criteria. What's next? The ones who see that you're in a relationship or talking to someone or at least on some committment|not.available status - that's when they wanna spill their can of beans. On how much they diggin' you, always liked you, -etc -etc -etc. You got your real trifetype. These just don't care, they don't know how to act, don't even attempt to be discrete - just no home training. Crazy ex's, on that Jazmine Sullivan note & ex's that just can't get right, can't let you go. I'm sure there's more, not enough cyberspace to cover all the different types. I just can't get into deep how fickle females are.

It gets annoying as HELL. To not be able to just kick back and vibe with people. I promise you this my closes are either my besties, that I can count on 1hand or studs|ftm`s. I have the benefit of being open with my mum, she knows my business before anyone else, usually she hears the text word4word. I canNOT have lesbians for friends, especially online, because they just get blinded by the photoshop. And as far as in offline? I seem to be attracting jailBAIT. Hell nah, I look 12 but I'm 20 & definitely can go to jail. And penis? Get it STRAIGHT my dude, please.

I don't want a crush. I don't want to be "interested." Nothing's complicated. And no, we can't be "just friends." - Trust me, I'm GOOD.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Type 2.

There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-- you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Really Shitty. (08/02/09 Performance]

I promised that I would deliver video for my performance at the Tramontane Cafe on August 2nd. I must admit, this was not at all my best performance. I really wasn't focused, nor really dedicated, and it's not at all up to my normal deliverance. But with all that was on my mind, and the news that soon followed, I am assured to say that I did my best that I was able to do considering the circumstances.

Rick actually brought the music that day, didn't really have time rehearse. This is all "What-Not-To-Do." Always be on ya game, after this I went in the back & really just got on myself because I know I can do better, I am better (Refer to post before this]. The works performed were "B4 I" ; "I Wanna" ; & "Signed, Sealed, & Delivered." -- It just wasn't right. But I like to follow through with my word, because Word is a powerful agent, and it's the tool that I was blessed with to have to communicate and change. Even though I'm sick and tired of poets who think their words can start a revolution. “Words should be used as tools of communication & not as a substitute for action.”

If you enjoy then please comment, if you don't please comment. I'm a sensitive asshole; but I do always welcome criticism. It makes me better.

Yes I look like a lost 12yr old, and I still feel like a lost 12yr old tonight.
^keep it 100

peace, -Ace.

Marco X dropped the video onto my FB like 34mins ago.
(Thanks Marco!]

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Admissions to Poetry.

I wonder when I started to curve my writing, and I stopped being about what I wanted to say & in turn started speaking about what others told me I needed to say. That's a major problem. My writing had always come naturally to me. I'm not as stable and secure in my writing as people believe I am. Like it's ridiculous how many girls are attracted to me because I am a poet, but then when I do something to piss them off... they say "you're a poet & you know how to use words." Ummm - I don't like this blessing|curse either, but hey it is what it is.

Lately I've been slow on the poetry shows. Been offered to shows in NYC, Philly, & DC. I even had something lined up in Toronto (not hopping on Drakes dick, haaa] because I go to school in Buffalo, but the border is right there, like 45mins away? Real quick & easy to be there. And I can always go places & do shit, but I feel like if I'm not communicating then why am I speaking? Yo !

So Sunday before last I did perform at the Tramontane Cafe here Upstate, and it went horrible. I had so much on my mind that it just reflected POORLY in what I said through the mic. I even picked a very bad choice of poetry. Like the poetry wasn't bad, but the scene wasn't right. How dare I speak a 16prose verse about living in the hood, when I am surrounded by all upper-uppermiddle class white suburban America. They not gonna understand, and they're not going to react. It was a bad choice, and I felt like shit. Word.

Now I'm trying to tailor my writings. I never really focused on what I was writing, it just came. I believe I have allowed myself to be influence, by the shows, and delivering something "amazing" that I've lost the value of what poetry is to me. A passion, and unsatisfiable burning inside of myself. The thing that makes me an "insane genius."

I admit, we all grow in our lifestyles. We all change and mend ourselves to a certain estate. But at the end of the day, I do not want to be raped by anyone and feel like I have to do things a certain way & say a certain thing because otherwise it's not mines. It's like being in the music business, it's better to get a deal than a contract. Because a deal doesn't restrict you and allow you to be raped.

I admit it would be game for me to step onto a stage and spit lyrics so deep that would make people want to be like me. Currently I am just not at that level. I think I will be stepping back on the shows. I do have one on the 22nd at Thornberrys. I do need to meet with Dave Dancy (life mentor] & Seven, another poet. I need to reignite myself, in the meaning of what is myself.

“to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” -ralph waldo emerson.

[who knows]
^keep it 100.

peace, -ace.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Allergic To Adhesive.



"TwtnWhileBLACK @thatpoetACE Okay, are you a guy or girl, because I really don't know." - It's not the first time I've gotten that question. So no offense taken. I get asked that a lot, my family just thinks I'm still in the "tom-boy" stage of my life. And it still cracks me up.

However, I get asked almost on the daily "What are you?" There's this need for the human mind to categorize you. It's normal. You check the boxes every time you fill out an about me, an application, a survey.
[]Female []Male. | []White []African-America/Black []Hispanic, Non-White []Multi-Ethnicity []Other. | []14-16, Provide DOB []18+
I'm the individual that makes their own []
[]ALL OF THE ABOVE, YOUR BULLSHIT BOXES WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO HOLD ALL OF WHAT MAKES ME WHO I AM !

Let me start out by saying there is a difference between Gender|Sexuality|Sexual Orientation. Gender, is determined socially; culture determines what is expected of an individual by their roles & behavior in society. Sexuality is biological; that's the box you check Male or Female. Sexual orientation is based upon both of these factors; as well as the individuals patterns of sexual attraction.


Sexuality is something that we all understand. Unless you're a hermaphrodite, a biological organism that is born with both male + female reproductive organs, then you're taught at a young age "you're a boy" or "you're a girl." It's written for you as soon as your mother goes & gets that sonogram to determine what color balloons to have at the party. In the LGBT world this is pretty much were you'll find your FTM's (Female-to-Male] & MTF's (Male-to-Female]. It's a sex struggle the individual is going through. And simply does not feel comfortable in ones body when his|her gender is telling him|her something different from his|her sex.



Sexual orientation has it's break downs. Asexual,Bisexual, Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual, Pansexual, & Polysexual. Asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction at all or does not desire sex. Bisexual refers to an individual who is sexually attractive & active with a member of both sexes (male or female]. Heterosexual is "straight", strictly female+male or vice-versa. Homosexuals are gay or lesbian, gay being male+male, lesbian being female+female. Pansexual is what they call the "blind-lover", this person is attracted to the PERSON and not the biological or gender-makeup. Pansexuals differ from bisexuals because it is not simply a sexual attraction, it is an emotional and romantic attraction as well. Polysexuality refers to people who are attracted to more than one gender or sex but do not wish to identify as bisexual because it implies that there are only two binary genders or sexes. However, polysexuals should not be considered pansexuals, because pan comes from the Latin word meaning "all", & poly comes from the Latin word meaning "many."

Gender is where it gets messy, but I'll keep it to the basics. In the Lesbian world there's studs, femmes, AG's, versatiles, no labels,& genderqueers|gender-blind. I will stick to only Lesbian world because not all homosexual "labels" are universal in definition. And since I'm a lesbian... Yeah. Lol.
-Studs are your dominant lesbians, that dress + behave like a male, most even prefer to be addressed as male pronouns(him,he,-etc.]
-Femmes are the female lesbian, they are opposite of studs; dressing very feminine. It is often these females that people find shocking when they "come out."
-Then you have your AG's aka "aggressive femmes",a lesbian who takes over in bed but she appears to be feminine in society and dresses feminine.Aggressive femmes usually take over in a lot of scenarios in everyday life. Dominant but can be submissive if her lover wants her to.
-Versatile is a hard one to determine. Versatile to MOST means someone who can portray both roles, stud + femm. However, Versatile belongs in the sexual orientation realm. Because versatile is someone who is willing to give + take in the relationship, SEXUALLY.
-No Labels. This is just someone who defies the action of categorizing themselves. Many versatile people, claim to be No Labels, which is not true. & Yes, by "not labeling you're labeling." Boohoo Kitty, yay for you for knowing Logic101.
-GenderQueers|Gender-Blind are unique individuals. Not only can these individuals consider themselves, BOTH male + female, or being neither male or female, OR even not part of the sex equation at all. This can be sometimes called "androgyny".

So that's the basic breakdown of the gender labels you'll find. It really depends on a lot of factors why someone would be called what they are. For example, an African-American or Hispanic dominant and male dressing female is considered a stud. Whereas a Caucasian dominant and male dressing female is considered a butch. One must remember to take that into mind, demographics apply always. (Unfortunately]

Okay - Now that that's all broken down. And there's a background of reference for people to read. I am a female that is lesbian that is pansexual and genderqueer. Putting the definitions together - I am a attracted to females, however I do not object to dating strictly 1 sex, nor 1 gender, and I take on characteristics of both sexes and genders. Simply looking at the picture with this post, one would not be able to tell if I was female or male. The picture I have on twitter, which prompted "TwtnWhileBLACK" to ask me that question was probably because even though I am standing up, looking into the camera you canNOT see my sexuality features. That picture was from NYC Pride, so I did dress dominant. But as I replied to him, I am female, however I get female + male pronouns all the time. I have friends who you honestly wouldn't know they were females unless you see them naked. I have friends who are femmes like HELL, and it's hilarious when dudes approach them, and they get turned down.

Even if I am "studded out"; I have been approached by males. I don't know, it's common that males won't accept No. And also will blast to his friends that you're gay, and then turn around and try to get with you. Negative, that is so tacky. But I wanted to clarify those|that for others who were wondering my "fit" in the world. I hate labels. I refuse to label myself and restrict myself to statistics and numbers and sorry if I make your brain hurt.

I'm allergic to adhesive. And I don't label myself. But no offense taken if you have to ask me a question, or if you don't know who I am. My policy stands "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." To me? Ignorance is not attractive.


peace, -Ace.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Reclaiming the Dream.



Ironically tonight as I decided to finally sit down and begin this blog, I flipped through my television guide and found "Reclaiming the Dream" hosted by CNN. Firstly, I give CNN props, they have been the leading force in shining some light and giving us media time. If anybody ever takes notice in history, without media - there would be no change. Media aka "propaganda" has always been majorly influential in any major impact. I did jack the title, I really didn't know what to call this blog, but I have been racking my brain all day, as it's a constant feud|struggle with myself.

I am upset with Black America. I am disgusted with Black America. I am ashamed of and fed up with Black America. I have since I was a child surrounded myself around intellectuals. My Papi taught me the lessons that he learned, living in the islands, let me know to always stay humble, work and break down the barrier that was given to me by my name. I have always challenged myself, to do better, and work harder. Where has our community gone. Where are the role models? Lil Wayne and Kobe Bryant versus Barack Obama and Colin Powell. Do you see the difference?

Earlier today, my Aunt and I got into this very in-depth conversation about the Black community in which I am a demographic of. Luckily, I had an Aunt and Uncle who stepped up to the plate. When my Dad walked out, and my Mom let me go, they took me in. I spent my middle school and high school days living in a suburb, being the only black family in my town. But I made the decision, against my parents wishes, to go to the only high school that was located in the inner city. My city has a strong influence of Italians. We are the 3rd largest place for refugees to be placed. But inside the city, as in central located, is the African-American and Latino race. It's a jungle, we call it "Cornhill." That's our hood, and it's vicious. Gun crimes, murders, reckless behavior by the YOUTH is tearing the City a part. And like most cities, police are afraid of the craziness, so they stay away until somebody gets that DOA.

We have a lot of programs in our schools, and we have a lot of organizations outside. Junior Frontiers, Young Scholars Liberty Partnership, the lists go on and on. Anytime there's an issue what we do, just like many other schools and cities of America - We tape on another program as a band-aid. Only leaving it to turn into a scar until the scab is torn back open. There's no real aid being given to treat the problem.

My frustration is with the community. All these programs, organizations, churches, committees - not impacting, improving, or even making an INDENTATION on any of the struggles facing the Black & Latino race. My Aunt and I spoke of a building that's centrally located in Cornhill. It's placed on the busiest street, our "strip", James Street. It's where the barber shops, corner stores, liquor store, beauty salons, bar, parks, all are found in a 6 block strip. This building is currently being rented by a drug rehabilitation program that pays $1 to use it for the ENTIRE year. Why can't some of our Black organizations get this building and use it to make an impact on our youth. The youth that are obviously crying out, dropping out of school and adding to the system. It doesn't make mathematical sense to me to see this community go astray. Where are our shepherds?

Single parents, lack of voice, submission to dictation. These are the issues that we face in every hood, not just Cornhill. I focus on my neighborhood because I know that the person reading this can relate it back to themselves and say "Yeah, that sounds like ___." We lack the drive in the African-American community to fight for ourselves. And when the system won't provide our needs, we settle for what they give us instead of seeing beyond the basics.

"Our problem is not failure, it's low aim." That is what plagues many of our communities. I watched the series presented by CNN, "Black In America." Parts I and II, currently watching "Reclaiming the Dream." - I agree with so many points and factors that people like principal Steve Perry are making, Steve Harvey is on stage, not cracking jokes right now. He's serious business. We need to wake up and take responsibility and make this mission happen.

I write because words should be tools of communication, not substitution for action. We have constantly ignored and just settled. And we have it so twisted in our community. There's this internal battle within ourselves. How many people checked that box for Obama because he was Black, and didn't know the issues? Now we sit back on our couches and complain about not having "CHANGE" but didn't even know his standpoint on the policies in the first place.

We aren't happy with Obama but we voted for him. We make fun of our peers with straight A's but want to go to college. We can hustle up money for that party we can't go fill out applications. We can look "fly" in school but we don't know how to dress to go on interviews. We can shot a basketball but we can't read or write. - Let me not even go on the "Christian" spree. I think ya'll get the point.

Education is key, but we have the highest rates of EVERYTHING in America. Most likely to contract HIV, most likely to drop-out, most likely to become pregnant by the age 16, most likely to end up in jail. Society takes 1 or 2 great Black Americans and put them up on a pedestal, and leave the rest behind. And that's where our community needs to step up and open the door.Come on Black America. Where is our drive? That our grandparents had, that my Aunt and Uncle have. We're so stuck on self, that once we get ours "you better yo's." We need to reconcile ourselves. We need to reconcile our leadership. We need to reconcile our society. Stop being stuck on self.

I mean honestly, I live in lovely house. Myself, my parents, my 2 cousins (to me siblings), we all have vehicles. We all have health insurance. My brother graduated from Clark Atlanta, he has a well paying job in engineering, making programs for Bank of America. Their daughter went to UNC Greensboro, got her major in Sign Language Education. I currently go to a private school in Upstate, NY. Studying Graphic Design with a minor already in Political Science, and working on my Journalism minor.

But my Aunt still teaches in the high school, though she could have retired 2yrs ago because she sees kids being left by the way-side. She takes her students on a field-trip to the prisons, to show them,this is where you don't want to end up. This isn't the life. She takes that initiative. We all need to start picking up the slack; where others can't do, we need to do. Come together and stop pointing the finger and letting it just be. Realize that this has to happen internally, because the system isn't going to do it. The system isn't for the MINORITY.

"When America catches a cold, Black America catches pneumonia."

Education, Information, Dedication. I'm not sitting up here trying to get people to cheerlead with me. I'm trying to get people to take the initiative to lead. In all honesty? FUCK THE BULLSHIT. I can blog all day, I can spit 100 poems, but if no one is taking that lead to start something and go out into the community and DO - I'm just wasting cyberspace.

But I don't sit idly. I see my generation, worried about their "swag" more than their college education. Worried about scraping up that $10 for that marijuana recreation. I'm not claiming to be all innocent and do-no-wrong. I dip and dab too. But I have my goals, and I know what I want. At least I have some sort of AIM. Stop aiming so low, shoot for the moon, and get the moon. Don't be a star.

The community needs to come together. All communities. We need to be outraged. And we need to step-up and make our own change. Obama can give as much money as possible for college grants and scholarships. But if the 16yr old males are locked up and the 16yr old females are knocked up - What good is it doing? Wake up. Realize. And React. We're losing ourselves, lacking leadership and letting the dream fade out.


peace, -Ace.

----------------------
PS: I'm taking the initiative to start ANOTHER Cafe, non-profit organization in my neighborhood. To possibly make an impact. I started the "Underground" when I was 15. It didn't go in the path I wanted it to, but it still is a existing place where teenagers can go for different needs, giving information, and mentoring. Oh yeah, I don't just write.
I do. So should you.
The Underground Cafe



↓ Below link to CNN Special
Black In America
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