Saturday, December 19, 2009

Friday, December 18, 2009

final final.

in about 8hrs i will take my final final of 2009 &my final final at daemen college. - that feels really good to say (type). it's settled in with my friends on campus that i really wasn't coming back to daemen this time. i've been saying it for about a year, &this semester... i really found the determination to follow through with my words. i am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason". i'm not trippin' about any of my finals, friends, or foes that i've made this year. i've had some really good times here. &i've had some bad. but all in all, college is the best experience of your life (or so they say). i mean what other time in your life are your parents going to pay thousands of dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get wasted every night?.... point proven.

this semester was one of a lot of realizations for me. i've grown as a person, more patient &more understanding of what i want in life, and my capabilities to achieve them if i'm focused on my fulfilling my potential. learned that friendships no matter how old can fall apart or simmer to an end for atypical reasons. after 3yrs noticed that if i do papers over a span of time instead of last minute they come out better. laughed because i thought the recession was a lie, till dudes were getting fired from workstudy. finally got that one dick of a professor who just shits on your life &thinks he's pericles of campus. & i've come to know that not everyone has common courtesy.

to answer the #2 question, (#1 is always: is your FB status true? you really aren't coming back?) i'm dropping outta school, moving back home with my mama, settle down, have a couple kids, &i'ma get on welfare.... LMAO, i jk! if i ever, lawd, ya'll really aint shit for letting it happen. - i'm going home, taking art &photography classes at one of the local colleges, then transferring out to a more art geared school. i only have 1semester to do this. that is my personal &professional deadline. -- again, i believe everything happens for a reason. on top of taking FT classes, i'll be working at my mums job in the mailroom, getting paid $9/hr to sort mail dealing with federal student loans.

i begin at the end. i know where i want to end up, i then go back and figure out how to get there. it works extremely well. i keep it 100, my mums paying $1,000 a month for me to go here &i'm taking all electives. i'm unhappy &cold. i'm a habitual hermit here. this is my 3rd yr &i feel no closer than to success than i did when i walked across proctorHIGH stage. &i'm scared as hell; i admit this.


 i'm going back to the beginning with the determination to come out on top at the end.
-- everything happens for a reason. daemen, i'll always be your 6th man. peace &love.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Plagiarism.

dear professor hammer,
i can't help that i am gifted with the talent of writing. that being said, your redINK accusing me of plagiarism leaks through the page to my eyes. i can't bullshit words - so idk what you want me to do, but i will not erase my words because you don't believe i hold the knowledge, which is an oxymoron because i am enrolled in a class (taught BY you) that covered this area of art. that being said, i have replied to every underline where you question my citation. i have no citation, unless you want to see "Williams, pg. mind".



 art history paper due by midnight .




(see what happens Dave? BS.)

Word.

Advice? I don’t have advice. Stop aspiring and start writing. If you’re writing, you’re a writer. Write like you’re a goddamn death row inmate and the governor is out of the country and there’s no chance for a pardon. Write like you’re clinging to the edge of a cliff, white knuckles, on your last breath, and you’ve got just one last thing to say, like you’re a bird flying over us and you can see everything, and please, for God’s sake, tell us something that will save us from ourselves. Take a deep breath and tell us your deepest, darkest secret, so we can wipe our brow and know that we’re not alone. Write like you have a message from the king. Or don’t. Who knows, maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who doesn’t have to.


— Alan Watts

Sunday, December 13, 2009

pet peeve.

When people find out that I’ma vegetarian they feel the need to access my lifestyle. I get told constantly that the reason that I am so tiny is because I don’t eat meat. When in actuality, I’m healthier since I don’t eat meat. I just felt my insides clogging anything I ate meat and was on a track to high cholesterol, diabetes, and heart disease (IMO). 2yrs ago I eliminated meat from my regimen. I never ate meat as a child, I was a “picky eater”, so it wasn’t hard. Anyhow now I only eat fish occasionally (because I’m allergic to seafood), and take vitamins to makeup for the nutritional supplements.

Still, 2yrs later, the only people who doesn’t nag me about it is my mum, my girlfriend, and Neke. Pretty much everyone else that I see on a daily basis, college friends &family when I’m home, they have something to say. It’s annoying. I don’t need you to read the menu for me &tell me what I can have. Complain that I’m trying to be “white” because I don’t eat meat.
[Or any other nonsense.]

Most recent one? - I was at dinner, I got a jalapeno vegg wrap &a plate of fries. Shelly asked me if I was a veg, I responded yeah…(she knows but forgets until I’m eating around her, and then she clicks like a switch). Then chick we were sitting with goes into this discussion:

“You dont eat meat?” - “Nah.” - “How long you been a vegetarian?” - “Like 2yrs now…?” - “Oh okay.” - “Why not?” - “Cause I don’t like the way it feels, like the texture.” - ….”Can I ask you something?” - “Okay…?” - “You like girls right?” - “Yeah…?” - “You eat the puss right?” - LOL,”Yeah.” - “So you’re not technically a veg.”

WTF you mean technically?! Lemme just say for the record.
The day that I can buy pussy from the meat case or frozen section of a store, is the day that me being a lesbian concludes my choice of being a vegetarian. But until then?
I can date chicks, and not eat chickens.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

offTOP explanation.

Emotions are raw &therefore vulnerable to infection, &once that infection is in your system it's hard to get rid of. you may choose to get vaccinated, but that doesn't mean your body is strong enough to build up a defense -- &the biggest questionable susceptible infection we all are weak to is love.

Epiphany.

My mentor asked me a few weeks ago "Did you ever think about this - Who are you writing to?"... I've been thinking about this, on &off, I get into it deep with myself... I brush it off... I ask it to other writer friends of mines... to see if their answers hold an answer similar to what I've been searching for. Some satisfaction, so I can go to him &have a discussion with him, some approval or just an answer. But I have come up with none &anyone I have asked, has not come up with an answer.

"And then it comes to me, like an epiphany."

I'm not writing to anyone. I'm not directing my words; be it poetry, blogs, texts, IMs, or statuses to anyone. I'm writing them for someone. The ability of words to change a persons perspective on a situation, the way for words to cleanse the soul... there's a reason why people have a thing for melodies &quotes. There's a familiarization and comfort in the words we find. We can affiliate and associate through words. We can spark wars over words. We can dismiss feelings and emotions in words. We can make money in words. Beliefs in entirety are born from words. Words are power.

So I write for someone. For myself, for my love, for my family, for my friend, for a poet, for a foe, for a professor - for you Dave. I write. It's not so much a hobby, it's an questionable need, more than a habit, an addiction. If I do nothing else, I will write. I will write because it is all I know, and by me knowing to write, I know so much more in characters I build myself. Integrating myself structurally through the sculpting of the various forms of word; the smallest free form, an item that may be uttered in isolation with semantic or pragmatic content, in a language, in contrast to a morpheme, which is the smallest unit of meaning.


I find content in my content.



Sunday, December 6, 2009

Ask Me.

So I know I've been slacking on the blogosphere lately. It's partly my fault, but mostly lack of inspiration. I don't have much to write about. I'm also going to be changing this blog up a bit in the coming weeks. Anyhow - I've open this blog up for people to ask me questions, as well as tell me anything that you'd want me to write about.

You can do this by Comment or by Email. I will get back to every request ASAP. *Peace
thatpoetace@aim.com

Friday, December 4, 2009

FCUKYOU.

dearASSHOLE that broke into my mothers car,
i wish you thee WORSE. i don’t care how bad you felt you needed it or why you felt the need to do it, my mum is single with 6children, including a 3yr & 1yr old. she works hard for everything we have &bends over backwards for us. you took not only belongings but all her ID &bank cards. you dumb fucking fuck. it is actions like yours that makes me lose hope &trust in society. man knows no good- so basically this is a big FUCK YOU,
FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I.O.U.

I feel like I honestly owe you guys something of essence. I've been selfish with myself lately, and I've been what some call ''melancholy.'' In all honesty, a lot of sht happens to me - &I don't mean that in any cliche way. At the same time that I feel like I owe you guys something - I have nothing to give. Not that I have writers block or anything, my thoughts are constantly flowing... but for better or worse terms; they escape me. I need a mind-scripter. Someone who will jot down every thought that I have &save it in some archival form because I need space for the new stuff that's coming in so I quickly lose the old. So I don't know where to begin, I don't know what to write about. For those questioning if I'm depressed because of my 'blue' blogs lately, I'm actually not. I've just come to the realization that talking about death &thinking about death - isn't that bad after all. &Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live. So I figure I'll just get this over with now... And deal with the living in the later. I'll try better, I let a blog go once... Like let it shtFLOP, it won't happen again. I'll start writing my thoughts down on loose leaf... on napkins... on candy wrappers if I have to &I'll blog about them. I feel like I should share, I have something to say. I just don't know how to say it.

[sideBAR|: to all the writers that I am friends with, those that I know personally &virtually - I am thankful for you guys. through you guys I learn &even though I am in school, if I got an education I would lack knowledge. so I just wanted to say that, every person that follows me &has a blog? I check your stuff out, I try to follow all my followers especially. If you want me to read over something of yours, for opinion or editing, just email it my way, and I promise you I will give you feedback.]

With all being said,I'll do a quick catchUP -  there's 8ight more days of class, and then finals week. i'll be roaming between boston &theCITY for all of winter break. i'm not returning to daemen next semester. i've been thinking about introducing chicken back into my regimen. i want to become religious again, but then again i don't think i can stop my blasphemous ways. i ran outta chocolate. &i'm divorcing my family until 2o1o.

I'll be around.
&UnLike Tupac, I don't get around.
But like Lauryn, I get out.

Monday, November 30, 2009

You're Just A Phase.

Call it women's intuition, but I think I'm onto something here. Temporaryism has been the black plague and the Jesus of our age. I know I must sound opinionated, maybe biased and quite possibly jaded. But sooner than later they'll be throwing quarters at you on stage

Who are you? When will you be through?
Yea it's just a phase...it will be over soon



Thursday, November 19, 2009

A Good Death.

Lately a lot of things in my life have been screaming "death" to me. Dreams, I've seen myself in the stranger of situations - dying or staring at death. I call them bad dreams, not nightmares; my night doesn't mirror my light days. This year has been full of tragedy. My family has suffered, my friends have lost, a recession taking toll on life. In Philosophy class Monday we discussed proxies and living wills and watched a movie on a woman who had what I deemed as the perfect ending of life. She was told how long she had to live with cancer, she had time to create memories &say goodbye... She figured out how to die "A Good Death."

For weeks I have held on to a book by Mitch Albom called "Tuesdays with Morrie - an old man, a young man, & life's greatest lesson." There's many anecdotes and quotes I could write but I'd rather you read something other than the norm. I began this book at 1130 this morning, I believe it'll be finished by that time tomorrow morning. The need to continue to turn the pages is between the lines of Morrie's answers. He isn't able to live but he is not yet dead - so he is somewhere in between. We all know we're going to die, we just don't believe it. Fact.

We all have this belief that when we die, the world will stop, everyone will be made aware of our passing, and it will be the most important occurrence in the world. However, we all have attended a funeral &have lost a loved one. How we handled it for that individual, will be how they handle ours.  That is reality, it is normal action.

Why am I writing this? When death occurs we have this feeling, for a few days we are hit with the reality of death. We make these promises, these vows, our of fear of not living a fulfilled life. But we eventually, and often sooner than later, get caught back up in societies blur. As long as there is something to do, we feel the need to do it. So with the creation of better technology, the lack of social interaction, how are we really advancing?

The key to living is loving. The difference between a career and a job. A fling and a partner. We love those that we enjoy life through and with. We aren't taught to love, we are taught to do what it takes to gain riches. We are taught "right from wrong". Generic in terms &useless in life, especially when you look at the sum of all things. If we do not have happiness in life, we will live in unhappiness. Miserable and mangled.

Death is a reality, a reality that needs to be seen in the ''real'' world. Truth be told, I'm not afraid to die - I am afraid of being forgotten. I am afraid of the day I do die because I know that I will only be a mere object to everyone's lives, it will not honestly matter if I was ever here or not.... that is if that is how I want it to be. Photo's, journals, letters; all ways we try to steal a little out of deaths suitcase. When in actuality if we just start with living, we'd get a lot more out of life, leaving less for us to pack up when death comes. And it will, we know it will, we just don't believe it.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Measured Perfectly.

she tells me that she's not perfect
but if she only noticed that the antonym it[self]
is an alteration of word place - imperfection;
im perfection.

&no, she may not be perfect
but her flaws construct the line that
methodically draws momentum of an on screen
pulsation; she runs through me

she enters me, leaves me weak at my knees
&makes it hard to breathe.
it's almost as if i've been overtaken by her presence
but not possessed; still i am her possession
i belong to her as if i'm her sixth sense

i've longed for her touch ever since
well, like this ellipsis
[dot dot dot]

telling stories of life &l_ve
that would tear the notebook apart
becoming something so divine that hancocks alcoholism
cannot [over]stand our intoxication
she's my perfect drug

chemically measured in the right amount
if there is such a thing as an overdose on good
mmm. . .take me higher love

take me somewhere
i don't care where it is
as long as it's with you

that's my heaven, my paradise.
my eternal bliss & blurr of perfection.




Wednesday, November 4, 2009

No Gender.


Recently I have been thinking about gender boxes, and how one is basically shoved into a box. If you don't identify as a female anymore? That means you're transitioning into a male. Don't want to use female pronouns? Ok male pronouns then. Seems that it's difficult to stay somewhere in the middle... and the mainstream seem to not want to have to deal with something as strange as neutral pronouns, and the thought of maybe not identifying as either genders. I've noticed a pattern too, that if a female bodied person says they are genderqueer, people assume that they will only want to express themselves in a masculine way... which I think is kinda crappy. I sometime feel this pressure to ONLY express myself in a masculine way, and while I do mostly only want to wear "masculine" clothes and be flat chested etc, I keep in mind that this is how I feel right now, one day I might want to prettify myself and go out in a dress but I hesitate to do so, because of the fear that people would then doubt and question my gender identity and think that me in a dress somehow invalidates my identity.

As I stepped away from the female gender box, I felt the pull toward the male gender box. Some people started using masculine pronouns for me, and male terms, I at first found it curious, exciting, and fun, but over time, I've come to the conclusion that the male gender feels just as wrong, if not more. I just end up feeling stuck in yet another box, and it feels as if I am ignoring/denying one aspect of me. I am not completely male, nor am I completely female. I like being able to express myself however I want on whatever day, and I am realizing more and more that I like being as androgynous as possible right now as it gives me a lot of freedom to go either way, it's nice having that freedom.

I guess, ultimately I prefer everything to be neutral. Neutral pronouns [ze/hir/they/their], neutral terms [ie: elf, dude -yes that's neutral to me-, person, individual, etc], and there's some female terms I am okay with, such as sister, daughter, mostly family related stuff though because that's what I am to my family and I am okay with it, and it feels more right than brother or son. I am starting to think that also, in society in general, I am okay with being seen as female and having female pronouns being used. I can't be bothered to correct people who I don't even care about in the first place. But with friends [and family], I would appreciate the effort to use neutral pronouns/terms. I'm trying hard to not shove myself into yet another box. I need to remind myself that it's okay to choose to express myself in any way, as a female-bodied genderqueer. So if anyone has been using masculine/feminine terms etc, let's drop it... unless I am in character/drag... which I don't do.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Say Whats Real.

i wanna say a couple things about Drake. ima try to not go [IN] on things, i just had a couple of thoughts, realizations, &comments towards somethings that im feeling a typa way about. everyone has their own opinions &i dont knock you for that. if you dont like him [ehhhh] thats on you. but think of what are the other choices in hip-hop &look at hip-hops history. Drake is breaking records &still got a real sound to him. seriously. he's a hustler; not on a drug dealer note but just focused on getting what he wants with[OUT] having to do much else.

i have personally been on drake before so far gone, before best i ever had, before "wheelchair jimmy" became a flomp on him. i listened to replacement girl with trey, brand new, -etc. all the mixtape drakes that are only now getting play time due to his current blow up. nahhh, i been listening to drake. &then i was wishing that he would break mainstream. like PLEASE. - just stop.

[1]ne thing i wanna say is if you dont have an opinion on drake &you refuse to listen to him dont bangladesh on me for liking him. seriously. firstly, if you dont listen you cant have an opinion. thats ignorance at its best. if you dont know the content how can i respect your comment? im not going to. secondly, i can say that everyone, EVERYONE has listened to wayne at some point. if you listen to wayne, you're more than likely listening to drake. because drake has been a ghost writer for wayne on numerous occasions. if you didnt know this is what wayne does, when he doesnt spit his own rhymes. &finally, dont give me the "everyones on drake so i cant listen to drake because im an original." there's nothing original about anyone, theres only evolution with the same foundation. &also, with that mindframe - you're deff not original. k, thanks.


*dont ask about our bummfck'd banner.


last spring when drake's "so far gone" had just hit airwaves my school booked him for our springfest. it was between him &asher roth; drake won &drake delivered. we sold out to the maximum. daemen students got tickets for $1, outside students paid $5. i know some students who bought 5 $1 tickets &sold them for like $45,$50 a piece. it was that serious - drake is from toronto, thats right over the bridge. like 45mins away. he put on a good show. &he did it for $6,500. now ? because hes more popular he charges like 15-20 thousand to do a show, (dont quote me on that, thats what our student affairs president said) &theres alot of schools that tryna book drake. we did it first. ha!.

other points i have about drake is more so off stage. he's still in touch &keeps it real with his fans. he's also very well-spoken &educated. he's into MORE than just rap, he also can sing (though his voice is really... odd. lol], acting (we all know this), he's also into fashion. like heavy. seriously, not just j'z. i mean like dude posts a lot of independent low scheme fashion lines for designers tryna come up. he's overall just a good guy. &whats wrong with having a good guy in the rap game? seriously.

he's already on the level of "features blow up". any track drake is on blows up. he had 3 songs on #1 billboards at the same time. he had 8songs that he was on in total on the billboards in the top spots. like for real, he is unstoppable. &its time for rap to see something more than auto-tune &swagg. i also respect drake because he's not on the street come up &hes not some famous celebrity or fortune400 industry exec's son trying to rap. he's that in between, &he has real speak to say.

keeping it real, i was upset when he first came onto the mainstream scene. like oh man, he's gonna change over. but always he's flipped the game over. &he keeps it real. so like him i feel like have to say whats real. call me a drake drizzy dickk rider if you want to. - but we all know that i am homo for the promo baybeh. - i just felt like putting it out there.



drake concert 4/19/09.
*don't ask why my belts so bummfuck'd.


Monday, October 19, 2009

Like Grammar School.


thatpoetace
    ii agree -- it's crazy but typical of us to be on the same path.
bunchezzz
    yea, it is. but ii do really like theeDEAR &+ things feel so much more connected cause my guards slowly t.u.m.b.l.e.i.n.g down
thatpoetace
    &+ ii really like theeSOMEONE &+ she's started to claim me like everywhere; it's not unusual to open a survey, see a tweet, &+ just see my nick(sz) there instead of the generic|offBRAND "HER".
    i'm falling into her.
bunchezzz
    claiming is good cause its deep reassurance &+ yu know how we like to put our emotions&+heart on insurance.
thatpoetace
    definitely; then again it's better this|our|me+her way because we don't put everything out there. whereas me &+ others|.koff. put it all out there|everywhere.; ii like having ''our'' business.
bunchezzz
    its like a secret. yu walk around w| a smile on yur face cause yu know something that somebody else doesnt, &+ when they ask yu what it is, yu calmly say "oh nothing" &+ smile even harder. 

thatpoetace
    precisely.
bunchezzz
    .smiles. ii just thought of her.
    theeDEAR.
thatpoetace
    theres always that sweet satisfaction; when they cross yur mind. it's instant gratification &&+ even worse, yur greedy about it. yur selfish about it. yu dont want to share &+ yu will do everything to keep it under wraps. MUMz thee word|&+name.as.yu.call.me.
bunchezzz
    theeDEAR always make it known that she doesn't wanna share, &+ that she doesn't want me to go any where - ii told her she has me &+ im not going anywhere, she always calls me "great" &+ all ii can do is .smiles.
thatpoetace
    oatz; when she called me remarkable? ii never ever, that was the first|sole|never.before said of me before. &+ it's a moment that ii think i'll never forget. ii lite up like the gas light.

bunchezzz
    lol, more like the gas prices.
thatpoetace
    lol.




-Access granted; ^Two Cancers of the Same Time; 0625 DOB.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Derailed.

An odd conscious I have, like it's hella on it's own frame. I thought it was a bad dream. Just because of the situation &+ circumstance I was in. Being forced to really. . . go out on a limb of instability &+ uninsured of success. But as always, google &+ grandmothers work wonders.

Dreaming about a train according to google yields 136,ooo results. But the overall interpretation via the worldwideweb is that it's some form of journey. A statement that things need to be accomplished &+ handled in a ordered manner, so that one can ''move on.'' The ride itself can represent how everyone moves &+ behaves, the dreamer is striving for the wholeness.A part of me wants to go w| Freud`s reasoning, that the train is a symbol of intercourse. But heyyy, let's keep it clean so that we don't have to put the ''disclaimer'' up; I'm just sayin.

According to my grandmother, who's judgment I would say is trustworthy, not too many people can go wrong w| grandma`s. I mean unless you one of those new-age grandma`s, got like 4grand-babies &+ you still in college.. .shrugs. -- Back on track; My grandma told me that the train represents that I am moving on a new track of life, a journey that's taking me one step closer to where I want to be in life, agreeing w| the idea of wholeness. The fact that there were close family members involved, but that I ignored their existence|statements, reasons that I will not be deterred by anything or anyone. The incident of getting on the wrong train, but trusting a stranger to get me to the right one is just a further statement of how much I am changing, and as the train tracks, everything else will fall into place. Even if I end up in an unknown area, there is a new energy with me, &+ that energy will assure me that everything is alright &+ continue to be with me as I move on this path.

Nightmare? Not at all. Reality has been better than my dreams, but now my dreams are signifying that my reality is going to blurr in with this satisfaction."To dream anything that you want to dream. That is the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed."


I'm so self|conscious.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

L_ve.



"bunchezzz": somebody msg'ed me &+ asked why ii never spell out "l_ve'
thatpoetace: mhm; people ask me too. . .

thatpoetace: ii don't answer;
"bunchezzz": ii did.
thatpoetace: what yu say?
"bunchezzz": response4mOatz: cause to me l_ve is a 3-letter word that exist w|OUT a heart|'o' if|when ii find [myheart] then ii will buy a a vowel &+ it will become a 4-letter word that exist|holds no definiton; it wouldnt be define, but in essence will define everything -- my heart will then be the center of "l_ve"
thatpoetace: yeah; been tryna formulate something like that -- but my wordplay isn't so developed.
"bunchezzz": yurs is better than mine.
thatpoetace: ii think not.
"bunchezzz": blah.


Explanation Granted; ^finz.



Tuesday, October 6, 2009

thatpoetACE.

People make me more conceited than I actually am. How many times am I questioned about my name, or in a defensive manner people come at my neck, knowing I'm not that tall anyhow see what I'm saying, & they try to call me out on my name. "Your name's thatpoetACE, spit a poem."

1) I don't spit poems, I'm not a rapper. Freestyle's vs. Freewrite's; two separate things. 2) Who are you to be challenging me? Until you get some lyricism in your mind that flows off the tip of your tongue to sit comfortably into someones (preferably, mines) ear - Don't come at me. 3) If that's not the biggest peeve of being a poet, is people asking you to produce a piece of you and hand it over to them. Negative on the positive note cap`n.

What's behind a name? Recognition and Identification. My birth name, people mess up ALL the time, I don't know why it's so hard; 5 letters, beginning in ending in the same vowel that happens to be the first letter of the whole alphabet. I'm just saying. People make it harder than it has to be. There's different reasons behind "Ace"; just to throw it out there on an FYI note everyone calls me Ace. People at school, my cousins, even some campus faculty. So uhhh yeah, "screenname" not even.

But just to calm the central nerves of everyone with the "Why is your name thatpoetACE?" ; these are often people who are just obsessed w| this new phenomenon of worldwideweb celebrity`ness. Dunno how I became|if I am even a member of that class, but Imma seat myself for the purpose of this blog.

Here's the story, picture it, Sicily 1936... Okay Okay.

Truth: I did a couple of performances at the Tram Cafe over the last 1yr or so, any free Sunday I have and if I'm UpState I go do the Open Mic there. It's gotten a little performical over the last few months but whatever. NoHype, after the 1st time I stepped from behind the mic people became interested in me and what I had to say.  One Sunday, I had performed, I'd say show 4, and like 2 performers after me, this girl "Nic" came up to me. I was just dolo, chillen in the back, listening to some J. Schmidt. And she asked me "Aren't you that poet?" and I just looked up at her cause I didn't think she was talking to me. She repeated herself, "You're names Ace right? That poet Ace?" - And I like lite up like a 3rd grade bitch who just got asked "Check Yes or No" by my crush.- I just nodded my head. We eventually exchanged info, and like some weeks later she told my friend that "She's the typa girl that makes me wish I was bisexual, because she has this way with words."

Turning girls out from behind the mic? Not my style. Lol, I do not use poetry to pick up girls or get ass. Just not on my to-do list. I've never written a poem for a girl. I've written them about them. But never as a cheese ball gift. That's so 199o`s sweetie.

"I don't write poetry for her, I write poetry because of her.
Me: Your idolization; She: My inspiration."  (Tweet #3,078)

But jeahhh. I felt like putting that out there. I didn't create this name because I thought|think that I am some bomb ass poet. I've done tons of poetry shows, but my knees still buckle when I get on stage. I still write on napkins and scraps of paper because I don't feel like I'm ''worthy'' of collecting my stuff. I'm not a poet.
 I just play on words before I get played by words.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Until Further Notice

If I would have known that I would spend 3yrs and thousands of dollars to feel unaccomplished, I would have stopped this college thing a long time ago. I'm not throwing a pity party here, I'm just speaking out the thoughts that's been in my head. When I first came to this school, didn't like it. My best friend, "Snizz", who I met here, she's pretty much the reason I stayed here. But now she's not here this semester, because of her situation|accident, and so I've been left to myself. I realize - I don't like more than a handful of people on this campus. Not even remotely. I mean like 2people, maybe. I have all associates, I'm cool with people, if I'm on the phone with you while walking around I'll probably speak to like 20-30people during that one phone call. Seriously. But when it boils down to it I'm not really into anyone. I don't know if I missed the memo or if they had some mass injection that I missed but all this case of "brandNEW" is not the business and not on my to-do list.

So I'm here. I'm here in between majors because the Art department sucks. I'm here with people who practice the Spoils System vs. the Merit System; you know people's friends get precedence & thought about first for things even though they're not even close to ''right'' for the situation. I'm here with no poetry outlets, I think out of the 2500kids that go here, only like 5 have a twitter that I'm aware of... I'm here, looking from the inside out. BEGGING. SCREAMING. PLEADING - for an escape.
No exaggeration.

"But she won't drop-out her parents will look at her funny." vs. "I quit school, and it's not because I'm lazy. I'm just not the social type and campus life is crazy." Those are the two lyrics that I could say sums up this experience for me. I've been here for 3yrs and I have not, in my mind, progressed any. I have 45credits on my transcript, professors know me, the Dean knows me, (all positives) - I represented this school by working in Admissions. I represent a school that doesn't represent me. What typa buhfoolery is that?

If I would have known in 2oo7, that I didn't want to be a Political Science major, I would have kept all my artwork from high school that was shown in corridors at school or was taped to my bedroom walls. I would have applied to somewhere better and more sustainable for my needs. I would be doing Art 307, Art 415 classes right now; instead of Art 105, Art 275. Lessons learned? Connections connected? Something like that. But in the end I wonder if my costs outweigh my benefits.

The scales tipping to the lesser.

Complaining is something I do not do... because I am always working on a resolution to my problems. Obviously, I don't want to be here. I've narrowed where I do want to be down to 3cities, and I've begun my research. That's the crazy thing too. This whole "school thing"; blahhh. But in America, w|OUT education, (White America, especially), will tear you down. I am the majority of a minority as you can get. So I have to tighten my belt and roll with the punches. I have the potential to be great, and I will be great at whatever and wherever I end up.

After my freshman year, I asked my grandmother if my Papi would be proud of who I am and what I'm doing. (There's a lot she doesn't know, but I felt the question was needed at the time, my college kidd habits & my sexuality for example.) He passed away my senior year of high school. She answered of course he would. I'm a writer which he always loved my imagination and creativity was highly encouraged. He expected me to be taller, and probably end up with a football (soccer) scholarship. But all in all - Yes, he would be proud, so she says.

Everyday, I ask myself this somewhat already answered question. My grandfather never restricted me, never had these expectation, he just let me be. Self was of most importance. He didn't allow society to dirty me. Completely left now. Vulnerable I fell into the traps of what was expected of me from society and other family members.

I don't even want to be a poet, or a journalist, or even a graphics designer. Which is crazy because those are the things that come naturally to me and that I am, according to everyone it seems, "great" at. I want to do architecture, design great homes inside and out, and sell them to people. Don't even need a degree for that. Could have been doing that a long time ago. But architects, especially in this housing market today, do not make good money. Besides, I suck at math.

So here I am, and here I'll stay;-
Until someone, or something, answers my screams of escape.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Satellites.

She speaks &+ breathes her air into ears phenomenally heartbeats are fast paced, racing to keep up yet its easier to breathe. Easier for me. Yet I can't reach the insides of her membrane; please just let me embrace your brain. Let me stroke away some of the pain w| the brushhairs of  my fingertips. Stroke away some of the pain thats driving you insane, because you can't come crashing down - you are my sanity. You are that peace of me that keeps me from breaking and tipping over pass capacity tipping over that line. I'd be lying if I were to say I didn't believe you were mine. I'd be telling stories to the biggest wide-eyed kid in the world; soured by my tongues bitterness spitting it all back up at me. Especially, if I didn't say that my care for is beyond this space; It's tumbled into the next galaxy. And I'm steadily falling falling falling - fallen dropping back down to my knees like an unkept satellite. Not this time, in my mind I have dreams so deep that I envision my hand dipping into the heavens to replace gods romances that have been lost in the black holes of life. Trying to keep on track w| your stride but you're much bigger than me. So I struggle all the time to get inside of your mind though you claim that's where I reside. Trust I clean my feet before entering through the sight of your eyes. But it's getting kinda cold because you no longer enjoy the sunshine. I read in between your lines and see the invisible ink that you've written in. Your pen cries away, wishing that someone could come and rearrange the lines that have gotten you displaced. There's no pink margins for whats wrong and whats right. That's why people invade and overtake the beautiful things in life. We have environmentalist screaming about global warming. As a human resource I wonder where is my warning. When will I get the chance to envelope the one who needs me most. Her pad has been filled w| rhymes so ill that it makes a knot in my stomach; which she untangles w| her smile. It's driving me wild to see her taken and broken down and it wasn't until now that i found the words to finish this poem. Emptiness fulfills every house, not a home. But you are home. You are my peace of mind. Eventually the pull of gravity will pull you into me. And we'll crash into this world together; standing hand in hand. Causing people to question the laws of nature written by man because our chemistry is more than any book could ever contain. Blasting into a cosmic reaction; acidic based advancing technology beyond this century.


---------------------------------------
Written in my phone 091909.

Monday, September 14, 2009

WakeUp; Mr. West


Picture Idea via Vic [@theePROTEGE]
reCAP: If you somehow missed the VMAs last night; then you missed out on a beautiful thing. Janet Jackson (&+ Laurie Ann Gibson] threw it down with the Tribute to Michael Jackson. Madonna delivered a fantastic speech that brought tears to my eyes. Russell Brand got on stage &+ started the show; Best Female Video of the Year *drumroll* - Taylor Swift ! So as young 19yr old Taylor is on stage giving her thanks on how she "Never thought I'd get one of these, I sing country!" -- Mr. Controversial steps on stage, takes the mic, and blasts it raw &+ truth:
"Taylor I'm happy for you... but I gotta say that Beyonce had one of the best videos ever."

-Facepalms- Come on `Ye ; Not again. I think you just Chris Brown`d your career. (ROTFLMAODEAD].
Anybody that knows me, knows that I personally believe that Kanye West is #1 in the rap game right now. (If you want to know more of the list, request; I will tell you &+ I have legit reasons as to why I believe this]

iSupport Kanye.

Last year during an interview Mr. West was quoted as saying "I don't talk negatively about anyone else. I just talk about myself - and that's why I say what I want." Truth. Kanye has never called anyone out, he has never shitted or dogged out anyone else in the music industry, he didn't even DISSrespect Taylor Swift on the VMAs. What he did do was get up there, and yes rudely in the middle of her speech, say what's real. Beyonce did have one of the best videos of the year & everyone was pissed that Taylor Swift won the VMA. Why? Because nobody really ever saw the video; compared to how many people have seen Beyonce's "Single Ladies." Let's just take Youtube stats (which is credible, the US Supreme Court has reviewed video's on YT for judgment decisions).

Beyonce "Single Ladies" 11 months ago 66,027,566 views
Taylor Swift "You Belong To Me" 3 months ago 2,924,747 views

Now, Best Female Video of the YEAR  ; Beyonce's video has been out for almost a year vs. Taylor's has been out for the summer. *scratches chin* 

As far as Kanye? There's a lot of explanations for his behavior. 
1) It's Kanye - Why is everyone tweaking|tweeting about him being his normal arrogant outspoken self.
2) He was pictures leaving the event with a bottle of Henny in his hand, Amber Rose on the other side. 
So we all know "When the Henny's in the system aint no telling...." 


Explanations; NOT Excuses. (Check the word choice]


&+ Taylor didn't even stand up for herself; it's the VMAs - it's a party.She just stood there on some real white girl bullshit. Making motions with her mouth but nothing coming out. She's 19yrs old, she got time to get that much of her self esteem back. She could have been on some real regular stuff and LOL`d about it "Anyhow, I'd like to thank..." BOMB. Issue OVER.

Let's not even speak about the catastrophe of Lady Gaga's hatching (yes, hatching] of a performance. OR Lil Mama`s random ass poppin` on the stage of Jay-Z's & Alicia Keys bomb ass performance. POSTED LIKE:


-DEAD; I had to do it.-


Kanye West is probably one of the most controversial names in the music game. Remember this is also the same man who said last year that he is the "Michael Jackson of this generation." - Michael Jackson was controversial in EVERYTHING he did. This isn't the first time there's been an interruption on stage at the VMAs. Old Dirty Bastard hopped on stage during the Fugee's announcement of the `98 VMAs.  

He apologized (via BLOG | Click here ) ; which was really odd of him, I didn't expect it. HOWEVER he still stood his ground. Stating how he felt, and how he's sorry for taking away Taylor's moment. BUT he kept it real - as he did on stage.

You have to be you all the time regardless where you are. At the end of the day I say this about the entire situation "You spent all day coloring that picture but your teacher STILL put up Sally's & not yours....
& you let that hoe use your crayons." 

 

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Retrospect 4Life.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...





...and you finish off as an orgasm.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

L_ve Snuffed Me.

Some months ago, before anything happened this summer - Oatz sent me this quote that remains locked in my phone. "Love takes off masks we fear we canNOT live w|OUT && know we canNOT live w|IN." -- often I've applied this to various situations in my life. Situations w| past relationships, situations where I throw it in there for good convo, situations for advice for|to friends. I've used it over && over; never once applying it to myself. My passions, Mr. Wilde are not a mere quotation.--

Yet I wonder about this quote now. My summer is definitely shutDOWN; && with what's been going on lately in my life -- the quote echoes a relevance in my membrane tapping my eardrum with questions;
What (the fcuk] is up with my mask?

L_ve removes our masks w|OUT notification|warning. There's no disclaimer. It's more like a smile, a finding of a common thought frame - blasphemous accusations. There's a comfortableness in the unease l_ve puts you in. ; I h_te l_ve. I h_te l_ve because one doesNOT have to do anything extra|ordinary in order to wiggle themselves into your captivity of being. Moving into all of your thoughts & making a home inside your chest. A heart beat who's rhythm no longer vibes from your step; but l_ve`s voice. And before you know it you're humming a different melody. Swept up in the honey moon stages of passions coasting on a fresh new air wave.

Yeah that's l_ve. And you don't even realize you've been pickpocket`d. You've been robbed of your mask & now you're vulnerable & the only thing to put you in a feeling of security|safeNET - is this thief.

(Now; aint that some bullshit?]

L_ve steals. It takes all of you & shares it w| someone new. Someone who you hope|wish & never even think will be like the last. They can't be.

"Say you gotta take the good & the bad, the happy & the sad. But when you bring a better future than I had in the past; `Cause I don't wanna make the same mistakes I did - I don`t wanna fall back on my face again."

I'm stepping back, fighting the force of this undefined|inFAMOUS law of nature whose fields are pulling me flat on my face. -- "Go ahead, I`ll always catch you." I'm not sure, though broken promises are better than none at all right. My safeNET is in your embrace. You are my spotter as life throws me in the air.--

Yes, I know that I have to come back down. I just want to keep my mask on straight when I hit; so you won't see me at rockBOTTOM.





-------
THIS IS SOMETHING I WROTE WHILE ON THE F`TRAIN GOING TO FRKN 42ND STREET TO CATCH THE 7. STUFF JUSS POPS IN MY HEAD & WHEN IT DOES -- I ROLL WITH IT. THAT`S WHY I ALWAYS KEEP MY PHONE IN MY HAND.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Sweet Reluctance.

A spotlight
Starstruck like Santogold,
minus the glitter & tights.
Walking through the City streets
on a adventure unlike any other
No not on a tourist note
Just to go celebrate through his death
Michael Jackson's life.

We never made it.

Hectic work schedules
Intermixed with a new love affair
None of this was planned kinda just
fell into her lap;

The spotlight switched.

The beam that was just days ago cold
and searching was now stabilized.
This ending of the week was a surprise
But not one of shock; but empty promises
Now have been filled.

Overwhelmed.

14th street delivered from the J
Looked for the S but never saw the gray dot
Ended up on the Q back to Union Square
Halloween suites & craving everything edible.

Can't eat till the sunsets.
Can't eat till the sunsets.
Can't eat till the sunsets.
Why are we doing this to ourselves?

Walked right into the sign
Black & White.

Admittance that w.e. have changed
Makes me feel like I'm not alone
If I have to travel 368miles I'd do it again
Minus the fuckface ; but all the same

Long lost lover?
According to some.

Exception Clause always stands -
I have my h.e.r.
& you have mr. awkward.

High school associates
Swallowing our nonsense
(because that's all it was]
Tripping over life falling face first.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Nope.

no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.
no, that doesn't make it better.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Superfluous Deliberation.

Late night conversations led to oversleeping battles facing insomnia from catching-up through the years. Forced through the tears to swallow my fears & understand something; I've changed.

Woke up & turned over, she was praying. I should be doing the same but I'm just not that ready - not that converted. However my switch board has fastforward; Brand new step towards it - I am fasting. Dishing away at the wildness of betrayal & self-inflicting vengeance to overcoming one's own subjectivity of self.

Yet, she objects to being just an object; soft brown skin & delicately overworked has been a spotlight in my life for so long. How is now that I lay with her under the City streetlights, on adventure to celebrate the life of Michael turning into a dead-end cloaked in the darkness of train-lines & confusion. Out of the window pondering about the illusions & illustrations of graffiti designs who toiled in these same undergrounds.

A parallel lifestyle wondering how to exist in the same place, same time.

Planted inside of me a rush of emotions & excitement ready to spread it's vines & to mushroom over. But we can not eat until 7:33pm, that's when the sunsets. Rest comes like dish bubbles blow out of the sink. This rush was not expected yet feelings are digested & directing us to build this into something great.

Maybe not as amazing as sweet settlements of satisfaction.

But I'm sure we'll come close. It just feels so right, it's so damn good. It's natural as a transfer on a train ride.

Dazzling even.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Just Friends, Pshhh.

You know what's crazy? The fact that I have all these frkn "friends" ; but unless they're 100% straight (n.e.v.e.r. could|would|thoughtof|justNO]- they end up crushing on me. This is not a blog to stroke myEGO, there's enough picture comments & testimonials in my world to do that. Besides I'm pretty good on my self-esteem level thanks. I just want to cross|admit|exploit the fact that dude - DUDE, I have like no legit friends. Why? Because they all "feel something more."

Chuck your feelings and throw them in the nearest landfill to sit under some plastic that takes 20yrs to decompose. Honestly, it gets a bit annoying. You just vibing with someone, kicking it, just on some real "tell me about you" shit & then they end up liking you. That is NOT the business.

Moreso, what gets me, is that I can be on some real phaggieSTATUS. I mean saggy jeans, t-shirt that hide my (already barely existing] boobs, fittd & listening to some real crazy-"hard" rap? A dude will try to get at me so hard. Like it's quite obviously I like what you like - Go away.

Females are different. They are the most indecent, inconsiderate, incredulous individuals ever. (No I am NOT a woman-hater; I'm a lesbian so whamp] - I have had so many experiences with different types of chicks. There's the infamous groupie type, the one who will comment|own every picture on your page if you let them, can't understand no|I.don't.like.you, you can be rude as hell to this person & they'll still hit you up tomorrow with a text like aint shit happen. Then you got your "I aint a groupie" groupie. Boast & blast how they're NOT a groupie, but falls in with all the other groupie criteria. What's next? The ones who see that you're in a relationship or talking to someone or at least on some committment|not.available status - that's when they wanna spill their can of beans. On how much they diggin' you, always liked you, -etc -etc -etc. You got your real trifetype. These just don't care, they don't know how to act, don't even attempt to be discrete - just no home training. Crazy ex's, on that Jazmine Sullivan note & ex's that just can't get right, can't let you go. I'm sure there's more, not enough cyberspace to cover all the different types. I just can't get into deep how fickle females are.

It gets annoying as HELL. To not be able to just kick back and vibe with people. I promise you this my closes are either my besties, that I can count on 1hand or studs|ftm`s. I have the benefit of being open with my mum, she knows my business before anyone else, usually she hears the text word4word. I canNOT have lesbians for friends, especially online, because they just get blinded by the photoshop. And as far as in offline? I seem to be attracting jailBAIT. Hell nah, I look 12 but I'm 20 & definitely can go to jail. And penis? Get it STRAIGHT my dude, please.

I don't want a crush. I don't want to be "interested." Nothing's complicated. And no, we can't be "just friends." - Trust me, I'm GOOD.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Type 2.

There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-- you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Really Shitty. (08/02/09 Performance]

I promised that I would deliver video for my performance at the Tramontane Cafe on August 2nd. I must admit, this was not at all my best performance. I really wasn't focused, nor really dedicated, and it's not at all up to my normal deliverance. But with all that was on my mind, and the news that soon followed, I am assured to say that I did my best that I was able to do considering the circumstances.

Rick actually brought the music that day, didn't really have time rehearse. This is all "What-Not-To-Do." Always be on ya game, after this I went in the back & really just got on myself because I know I can do better, I am better (Refer to post before this]. The works performed were "B4 I" ; "I Wanna" ; & "Signed, Sealed, & Delivered." -- It just wasn't right. But I like to follow through with my word, because Word is a powerful agent, and it's the tool that I was blessed with to have to communicate and change. Even though I'm sick and tired of poets who think their words can start a revolution. “Words should be used as tools of communication & not as a substitute for action.”

If you enjoy then please comment, if you don't please comment. I'm a sensitive asshole; but I do always welcome criticism. It makes me better.

Yes I look like a lost 12yr old, and I still feel like a lost 12yr old tonight.
^keep it 100

peace, -Ace.

Marco X dropped the video onto my FB like 34mins ago.
(Thanks Marco!]

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Admissions to Poetry.

I wonder when I started to curve my writing, and I stopped being about what I wanted to say & in turn started speaking about what others told me I needed to say. That's a major problem. My writing had always come naturally to me. I'm not as stable and secure in my writing as people believe I am. Like it's ridiculous how many girls are attracted to me because I am a poet, but then when I do something to piss them off... they say "you're a poet & you know how to use words." Ummm - I don't like this blessing|curse either, but hey it is what it is.

Lately I've been slow on the poetry shows. Been offered to shows in NYC, Philly, & DC. I even had something lined up in Toronto (not hopping on Drakes dick, haaa] because I go to school in Buffalo, but the border is right there, like 45mins away? Real quick & easy to be there. And I can always go places & do shit, but I feel like if I'm not communicating then why am I speaking? Yo !

So Sunday before last I did perform at the Tramontane Cafe here Upstate, and it went horrible. I had so much on my mind that it just reflected POORLY in what I said through the mic. I even picked a very bad choice of poetry. Like the poetry wasn't bad, but the scene wasn't right. How dare I speak a 16prose verse about living in the hood, when I am surrounded by all upper-uppermiddle class white suburban America. They not gonna understand, and they're not going to react. It was a bad choice, and I felt like shit. Word.

Now I'm trying to tailor my writings. I never really focused on what I was writing, it just came. I believe I have allowed myself to be influence, by the shows, and delivering something "amazing" that I've lost the value of what poetry is to me. A passion, and unsatisfiable burning inside of myself. The thing that makes me an "insane genius."

I admit, we all grow in our lifestyles. We all change and mend ourselves to a certain estate. But at the end of the day, I do not want to be raped by anyone and feel like I have to do things a certain way & say a certain thing because otherwise it's not mines. It's like being in the music business, it's better to get a deal than a contract. Because a deal doesn't restrict you and allow you to be raped.

I admit it would be game for me to step onto a stage and spit lyrics so deep that would make people want to be like me. Currently I am just not at that level. I think I will be stepping back on the shows. I do have one on the 22nd at Thornberrys. I do need to meet with Dave Dancy (life mentor] & Seven, another poet. I need to reignite myself, in the meaning of what is myself.

“to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” -ralph waldo emerson.

[who knows]
^keep it 100.

peace, -ace.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Allergic To Adhesive.



"TwtnWhileBLACK @thatpoetACE Okay, are you a guy or girl, because I really don't know." - It's not the first time I've gotten that question. So no offense taken. I get asked that a lot, my family just thinks I'm still in the "tom-boy" stage of my life. And it still cracks me up.

However, I get asked almost on the daily "What are you?" There's this need for the human mind to categorize you. It's normal. You check the boxes every time you fill out an about me, an application, a survey.
[]Female []Male. | []White []African-America/Black []Hispanic, Non-White []Multi-Ethnicity []Other. | []14-16, Provide DOB []18+
I'm the individual that makes their own []
[]ALL OF THE ABOVE, YOUR BULLSHIT BOXES WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO HOLD ALL OF WHAT MAKES ME WHO I AM !

Let me start out by saying there is a difference between Gender|Sexuality|Sexual Orientation. Gender, is determined socially; culture determines what is expected of an individual by their roles & behavior in society. Sexuality is biological; that's the box you check Male or Female. Sexual orientation is based upon both of these factors; as well as the individuals patterns of sexual attraction.


Sexuality is something that we all understand. Unless you're a hermaphrodite, a biological organism that is born with both male + female reproductive organs, then you're taught at a young age "you're a boy" or "you're a girl." It's written for you as soon as your mother goes & gets that sonogram to determine what color balloons to have at the party. In the LGBT world this is pretty much were you'll find your FTM's (Female-to-Male] & MTF's (Male-to-Female]. It's a sex struggle the individual is going through. And simply does not feel comfortable in ones body when his|her gender is telling him|her something different from his|her sex.



Sexual orientation has it's break downs. Asexual,Bisexual, Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual, Pansexual, & Polysexual. Asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction at all or does not desire sex. Bisexual refers to an individual who is sexually attractive & active with a member of both sexes (male or female]. Heterosexual is "straight", strictly female+male or vice-versa. Homosexuals are gay or lesbian, gay being male+male, lesbian being female+female. Pansexual is what they call the "blind-lover", this person is attracted to the PERSON and not the biological or gender-makeup. Pansexuals differ from bisexuals because it is not simply a sexual attraction, it is an emotional and romantic attraction as well. Polysexuality refers to people who are attracted to more than one gender or sex but do not wish to identify as bisexual because it implies that there are only two binary genders or sexes. However, polysexuals should not be considered pansexuals, because pan comes from the Latin word meaning "all", & poly comes from the Latin word meaning "many."

Gender is where it gets messy, but I'll keep it to the basics. In the Lesbian world there's studs, femmes, AG's, versatiles, no labels,& genderqueers|gender-blind. I will stick to only Lesbian world because not all homosexual "labels" are universal in definition. And since I'm a lesbian... Yeah. Lol.
-Studs are your dominant lesbians, that dress + behave like a male, most even prefer to be addressed as male pronouns(him,he,-etc.]
-Femmes are the female lesbian, they are opposite of studs; dressing very feminine. It is often these females that people find shocking when they "come out."
-Then you have your AG's aka "aggressive femmes",a lesbian who takes over in bed but she appears to be feminine in society and dresses feminine.Aggressive femmes usually take over in a lot of scenarios in everyday life. Dominant but can be submissive if her lover wants her to.
-Versatile is a hard one to determine. Versatile to MOST means someone who can portray both roles, stud + femm. However, Versatile belongs in the sexual orientation realm. Because versatile is someone who is willing to give + take in the relationship, SEXUALLY.
-No Labels. This is just someone who defies the action of categorizing themselves. Many versatile people, claim to be No Labels, which is not true. & Yes, by "not labeling you're labeling." Boohoo Kitty, yay for you for knowing Logic101.
-GenderQueers|Gender-Blind are unique individuals. Not only can these individuals consider themselves, BOTH male + female, or being neither male or female, OR even not part of the sex equation at all. This can be sometimes called "androgyny".

So that's the basic breakdown of the gender labels you'll find. It really depends on a lot of factors why someone would be called what they are. For example, an African-American or Hispanic dominant and male dressing female is considered a stud. Whereas a Caucasian dominant and male dressing female is considered a butch. One must remember to take that into mind, demographics apply always. (Unfortunately]

Okay - Now that that's all broken down. And there's a background of reference for people to read. I am a female that is lesbian that is pansexual and genderqueer. Putting the definitions together - I am a attracted to females, however I do not object to dating strictly 1 sex, nor 1 gender, and I take on characteristics of both sexes and genders. Simply looking at the picture with this post, one would not be able to tell if I was female or male. The picture I have on twitter, which prompted "TwtnWhileBLACK" to ask me that question was probably because even though I am standing up, looking into the camera you canNOT see my sexuality features. That picture was from NYC Pride, so I did dress dominant. But as I replied to him, I am female, however I get female + male pronouns all the time. I have friends who you honestly wouldn't know they were females unless you see them naked. I have friends who are femmes like HELL, and it's hilarious when dudes approach them, and they get turned down.

Even if I am "studded out"; I have been approached by males. I don't know, it's common that males won't accept No. And also will blast to his friends that you're gay, and then turn around and try to get with you. Negative, that is so tacky. But I wanted to clarify those|that for others who were wondering my "fit" in the world. I hate labels. I refuse to label myself and restrict myself to statistics and numbers and sorry if I make your brain hurt.

I'm allergic to adhesive. And I don't label myself. But no offense taken if you have to ask me a question, or if you don't know who I am. My policy stands "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." To me? Ignorance is not attractive.


peace, -Ace.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Reclaiming the Dream.



Ironically tonight as I decided to finally sit down and begin this blog, I flipped through my television guide and found "Reclaiming the Dream" hosted by CNN. Firstly, I give CNN props, they have been the leading force in shining some light and giving us media time. If anybody ever takes notice in history, without media - there would be no change. Media aka "propaganda" has always been majorly influential in any major impact. I did jack the title, I really didn't know what to call this blog, but I have been racking my brain all day, as it's a constant feud|struggle with myself.

I am upset with Black America. I am disgusted with Black America. I am ashamed of and fed up with Black America. I have since I was a child surrounded myself around intellectuals. My Papi taught me the lessons that he learned, living in the islands, let me know to always stay humble, work and break down the barrier that was given to me by my name. I have always challenged myself, to do better, and work harder. Where has our community gone. Where are the role models? Lil Wayne and Kobe Bryant versus Barack Obama and Colin Powell. Do you see the difference?

Earlier today, my Aunt and I got into this very in-depth conversation about the Black community in which I am a demographic of. Luckily, I had an Aunt and Uncle who stepped up to the plate. When my Dad walked out, and my Mom let me go, they took me in. I spent my middle school and high school days living in a suburb, being the only black family in my town. But I made the decision, against my parents wishes, to go to the only high school that was located in the inner city. My city has a strong influence of Italians. We are the 3rd largest place for refugees to be placed. But inside the city, as in central located, is the African-American and Latino race. It's a jungle, we call it "Cornhill." That's our hood, and it's vicious. Gun crimes, murders, reckless behavior by the YOUTH is tearing the City a part. And like most cities, police are afraid of the craziness, so they stay away until somebody gets that DOA.

We have a lot of programs in our schools, and we have a lot of organizations outside. Junior Frontiers, Young Scholars Liberty Partnership, the lists go on and on. Anytime there's an issue what we do, just like many other schools and cities of America - We tape on another program as a band-aid. Only leaving it to turn into a scar until the scab is torn back open. There's no real aid being given to treat the problem.

My frustration is with the community. All these programs, organizations, churches, committees - not impacting, improving, or even making an INDENTATION on any of the struggles facing the Black & Latino race. My Aunt and I spoke of a building that's centrally located in Cornhill. It's placed on the busiest street, our "strip", James Street. It's where the barber shops, corner stores, liquor store, beauty salons, bar, parks, all are found in a 6 block strip. This building is currently being rented by a drug rehabilitation program that pays $1 to use it for the ENTIRE year. Why can't some of our Black organizations get this building and use it to make an impact on our youth. The youth that are obviously crying out, dropping out of school and adding to the system. It doesn't make mathematical sense to me to see this community go astray. Where are our shepherds?

Single parents, lack of voice, submission to dictation. These are the issues that we face in every hood, not just Cornhill. I focus on my neighborhood because I know that the person reading this can relate it back to themselves and say "Yeah, that sounds like ___." We lack the drive in the African-American community to fight for ourselves. And when the system won't provide our needs, we settle for what they give us instead of seeing beyond the basics.

"Our problem is not failure, it's low aim." That is what plagues many of our communities. I watched the series presented by CNN, "Black In America." Parts I and II, currently watching "Reclaiming the Dream." - I agree with so many points and factors that people like principal Steve Perry are making, Steve Harvey is on stage, not cracking jokes right now. He's serious business. We need to wake up and take responsibility and make this mission happen.

I write because words should be tools of communication, not substitution for action. We have constantly ignored and just settled. And we have it so twisted in our community. There's this internal battle within ourselves. How many people checked that box for Obama because he was Black, and didn't know the issues? Now we sit back on our couches and complain about not having "CHANGE" but didn't even know his standpoint on the policies in the first place.

We aren't happy with Obama but we voted for him. We make fun of our peers with straight A's but want to go to college. We can hustle up money for that party we can't go fill out applications. We can look "fly" in school but we don't know how to dress to go on interviews. We can shot a basketball but we can't read or write. - Let me not even go on the "Christian" spree. I think ya'll get the point.

Education is key, but we have the highest rates of EVERYTHING in America. Most likely to contract HIV, most likely to drop-out, most likely to become pregnant by the age 16, most likely to end up in jail. Society takes 1 or 2 great Black Americans and put them up on a pedestal, and leave the rest behind. And that's where our community needs to step up and open the door.Come on Black America. Where is our drive? That our grandparents had, that my Aunt and Uncle have. We're so stuck on self, that once we get ours "you better yo's." We need to reconcile ourselves. We need to reconcile our leadership. We need to reconcile our society. Stop being stuck on self.

I mean honestly, I live in lovely house. Myself, my parents, my 2 cousins (to me siblings), we all have vehicles. We all have health insurance. My brother graduated from Clark Atlanta, he has a well paying job in engineering, making programs for Bank of America. Their daughter went to UNC Greensboro, got her major in Sign Language Education. I currently go to a private school in Upstate, NY. Studying Graphic Design with a minor already in Political Science, and working on my Journalism minor.

But my Aunt still teaches in the high school, though she could have retired 2yrs ago because she sees kids being left by the way-side. She takes her students on a field-trip to the prisons, to show them,this is where you don't want to end up. This isn't the life. She takes that initiative. We all need to start picking up the slack; where others can't do, we need to do. Come together and stop pointing the finger and letting it just be. Realize that this has to happen internally, because the system isn't going to do it. The system isn't for the MINORITY.

"When America catches a cold, Black America catches pneumonia."

Education, Information, Dedication. I'm not sitting up here trying to get people to cheerlead with me. I'm trying to get people to take the initiative to lead. In all honesty? FUCK THE BULLSHIT. I can blog all day, I can spit 100 poems, but if no one is taking that lead to start something and go out into the community and DO - I'm just wasting cyberspace.

But I don't sit idly. I see my generation, worried about their "swag" more than their college education. Worried about scraping up that $10 for that marijuana recreation. I'm not claiming to be all innocent and do-no-wrong. I dip and dab too. But I have my goals, and I know what I want. At least I have some sort of AIM. Stop aiming so low, shoot for the moon, and get the moon. Don't be a star.

The community needs to come together. All communities. We need to be outraged. And we need to step-up and make our own change. Obama can give as much money as possible for college grants and scholarships. But if the 16yr old males are locked up and the 16yr old females are knocked up - What good is it doing? Wake up. Realize. And React. We're losing ourselves, lacking leadership and letting the dream fade out.


peace, -Ace.

----------------------
PS: I'm taking the initiative to start ANOTHER Cafe, non-profit organization in my neighborhood. To possibly make an impact. I started the "Underground" when I was 15. It didn't go in the path I wanted it to, but it still is a existing place where teenagers can go for different needs, giving information, and mentoring. Oh yeah, I don't just write.
I do. So should you.
The Underground Cafe



↓ Below link to CNN Special
Black In America

Monday, July 27, 2009

SoulFood Sunday.

Signed, Sealed, & Delivered
I'm a product of my environment but trust I am not for sale
I refuse to be another causality of the drug game locked in a cell
It's a war and every day we got soldiers dying
Besides the ice cream truck all you can hear is police sirens
It's been decades of struggle from welfare to medicaid
Living in run down homes spraying roaches with raid
Our lights cut off, water leaking from the ceiling
On my knees in the dark praying to God for some healing
Tried to talk to the youth understand how they was feeling
Young girl 16 years old pregnant with three children
No money for abortion mama can't pay
Pops gone in the wind been missing since that day
They laid, paid the cost to be the boss but the price was too high
It's amazing what people will do just to survive
Stomach growling shorty looking for his next meal
It's beef in these streets these dudes got foreman grills
And they got time to kill, got rocks to sell
Trying to reach heaven but they still standing on hell
Fiends blow away dreams like bad mufflers
Thugs with iced out crosses, anointed hustlers
Pimps and Prostitutes yeah you know what's for sale
And everybody in the hood know somebody in jail
It's like an epidemic, modern day small pox
Don't even own our own home yet we dying for blocks
H.I.V. and K.I.D.S. not wanted
Never had much so everything we get we flaunt it
The slogan on your shirt says STOP SNITCHING
But we telling on ourselves we just too dumb to listen


-----------------------------

New blogs & poetry coming soon. But now? Back to this Religion paper. "Procrastination is like Masturbation; In the end you're just screwing yourself." ^scholarFOCUS.

peace, -ace

Saturday, July 25, 2009

I Wanna

"I Wanna" by ACE:
I wanna fall in love with someone. I wanna juss see her walking down the street, the same time everyday, always do a double-take to see if she's looking back at me and gather her scent up into my lungs. I wanna meet her in the coffee shop, find out that she doesn't like her drink & make her smile by buying her a new one & then make that coffee shop ''our'' spot. I wanna send her a single rose at work, and even though it's only one, it makes her day like the dozens. I wanna lay in the grass and not wonder why we're gazing a at the stars, because our light outshines their glaze anyday. I wanna kiss her tears away, when I've made her laugh so much that her stomach hurts. I wanna cuddle on a Friday night, fuck the club, she's my party girl. I wanna know her favorite soda, and if she doesn't drink soda; I wanna know her favorite flavor of vitamin water. I wanna be able to walk hand in hand down the city streets, get a kick outta the glances from the ones who's opinions disagree. I wanna have fun in the kitchen, making a meal that turns out to be a catastrophe, so we order in for chinese. I wanna have her front row, front & center at my shows because my lyrics resurrect she-inspired poetry. I wanna come in the door and see her stuffing her face with ice cream, looking beautiful in one of my white t-shirts. I wanna lay down w| you between the sheets, and smell the sweet scent of your body calling me. I wanna watch you bite your bottom lip as you're thoughts flow away so pensive. I wanna read your poetry and add my own lines to vibe w| your rhymes. I wanna bring you cheddar fries when your sick, even though you don't need 'em. I wanna get caught off guard everytime you walk in the room, because your beauty makes my chest tight. I wanna know that when Im having a bad day, you'll end it w| a good night. I wanna make noise as you scratch your nails against my skin as if it was a chalk board. I wanna share hoodies w| you. I wanna hold the door open everytime you walk through. I wanna get caught left speechless mid-sentence by a kiss. I wanna be the one you hate to miss. I wanna...

(to be continued]

Friday, July 24, 2009

Mainstreamed.



Today, and on several occasions, I was discussing music with my brother, Vic, and others. Most of it did constantly refer back to Michael Jackson, respect - he not only defies gravity but he beats the UNbeatable - t.i.m.e. Anyhow, the topic switched quickly to the topic of mainstream not even nearly measuring up to the music produced by the likes of the King of Pop. But this is a topic I struggle with and basically, I'm going try to explain why I have conflicting opinions on this broad topic.

A new friend of mines, who's deeply involved in music, got into the conversation with me today, similar to Vic's and I. I was trying to explain to her, my feelings on mainstream music. Where I struggle is that there is so MUCH to mainstream right now, there's so much that comes across the streams + underground, so many mixtapes + iTune exclusives, so many artists that are good utilizing myspace + then we have the crap that has to have a bumass dance that's jacked off a very basic & wack artists. (I will NOT name names, but I'm sure we all have some artist that's got fame from Youtube dances overNIGHT.] At the same time, music is an art-form. A way of expression and if someone is talented enough, and on the same stream line a hustler to get thousands of people to download a track which I, and a lot of others not juss in my bias group of friends, but those in the business & alums alike find to be killing music, if that person can get the thousands to buy his "crap" and feed it to the public who will eat it up, get that money? Who am I to hate on that? That's one area where I struggle with. Music has become, and always will be a business.

Also as I was saying, there is so much that crossed the airwaves. And there's so many different ways to get music now. There's so much going on, you get so much on the radio, even though it's typically the same rotation of songs, you get different genre's. It's been going on, since the respect of Black's in the music business crossed over to the Pop charts, there's been barriers that's been broke. I know you feel me, on more than juss that example. Basically this cross-genre's that occurring that honestly you can't knock "mainstream." My new friend, I gotta quote her because she summed it up nicely. "The diversity in mainstream has progressed tremendously but the quality has taken a horrific nose dive."

Kanye West proclaimed sometime last year that he was the "Michael Jackson of this generation." There is NO way. One, my generation remember Michael Jackson, we grew up with Michael as well, because our parents rocked to him, and our grandparents rocked to him. And now with his passing, this generation is being introduced to him. My 3yr old brother can identify his music by juss hearing it played throughout our house all the time now.

So no, Excuse me Mista Westtt, you are NOT the Michael Jackson of our time. You did not CHANGE the face of music, or change the way music is viewed. Nice video's though. Mainstream gives us one thing - a taste. I think there are artists out there, who are mixing the two : old + new sound. But one always think and keep in their minds, there's always something going in someone's mind, in someone's basement, so we never know when that ONE is gonna come out to change it all.

There's many that's popping up all the time. Not "So Far Gone" (I liked Drake before he was mainFUCKED] Down Beat Keys. QuEst. B.O.B. E-Dot Dizzy. -- Someone who's more... "known"? Janelle Monae. I remember when I found out she was with Diddy? I was like Damnnnn, please don't let this man fcuk up her talent.*sigh* Hell, I promote for Emerald Morrell (PROMO TIME !!! - She worked with Dilla (the GREAT, RIP!], her style is to take the old skool hip-hop flow & mix it to a different beat. It doesn't match, but it WORKS. Trust me, you know I wouldn't steer you wrong.
(Otherwise, click that X *top right corner ; HA!]

There's a difference in these new genres. Even the crossing of the genre's are occurring. Funkiness spring a new sound. Always always occurring. So one day, we'll get that GREAT person. I don't believe it'll happen in my time. There's Elvis, then came Michael, next will be...



Till then, we'll keep being mainstreamed.


peace, -ace.
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