I wonder when I started to curve my writing, and I stopped being about what I wanted to say & in turn started speaking about what others told me I needed to say. That's a major problem. My writing had always come naturally to me. I'm not as stable and secure in my writing as people believe I am. Like it's ridiculous how many girls are attracted to me because I am a poet, but then when I do something to piss them off... they say "you're a poet & you know how to use words." Ummm - I don't like this blessing|curse either, but hey it is what it is.
Lately I've been slow on the poetry shows. Been offered to shows in NYC, Philly, & DC. I even had something lined up in Toronto (not hopping on Drakes dick, haaa] because I go to school in Buffalo, but the border is right there, like 45mins away? Real quick & easy to be there. And I can always go places & do shit, but I feel like if I'm not communicating then why am I speaking? Yo !
So Sunday before last I did perform at the Tramontane Cafe here Upstate, and it went horrible. I had so much on my mind that it just reflected POORLY in what I said through the mic. I even picked a very bad choice of poetry. Like the poetry wasn't bad, but the scene wasn't right. How dare I speak a 16prose verse about living in the hood, when I am surrounded by all upper-uppermiddle class white suburban America. They not gonna understand, and they're not going to react. It was a bad choice, and I felt like shit. Word.
Now I'm trying to tailor my writings. I never really focused on what I was writing, it just came. I believe I have allowed myself to be influence, by the shows, and delivering something "amazing" that I've lost the value of what poetry is to me. A passion, and unsatisfiable burning inside of myself. The thing that makes me an "insane genius."
I admit, we all grow in our lifestyles. We all change and mend ourselves to a certain estate. But at the end of the day, I do not want to be raped by anyone and feel like I have to do things a certain way & say a certain thing because otherwise it's not mines. It's like being in the music business, it's better to get a deal than a contract. Because a deal doesn't restrict you and allow you to be raped.
I admit it would be game for me to step onto a stage and spit lyrics so deep that would make people want to be like me. Currently I am just not at that level. I think I will be stepping back on the shows. I do have one on the 22nd at Thornberrys. I do need to meet with Dave Dancy (life mentor] & Seven, another poet. I need to reignite myself, in the meaning of what is myself.
“to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” -ralph waldo emerson.
^keep it 100.