Monday, January 31, 2011

Bursting Out...

I could just be writing words here, or spitting some truth
I could just be free versing these curses
And I could just be talking about you
But still
It don't matter what the purpose is
All I know is that we're conflicted
Hard sound bits and screams of worthlessness
Damn
Sucha cold world after all
Because my light hasn't shined bright for 6celestial stages now
Yet I'm on the hunt to get that sunshine again
You
Could be my sunshine
You could be the reason behind my rhymes
Behind the scene writing the scripts to these scenes
You could be what makes my heart burst at it's seams
You could mean so much more to me than me
Where are you Love?
Why aren't you here next to me?
Beside me where you're supposed to be
I'm looking for you closely
Particular in every movement and scanning all around the room
Your eyes used to spark the fire that churns inside
Now that fire has started to die
Rocking here trying to get some momentum to get me off my back
Because I'm starting lack
The feeling of life in my veins
I'm starting to feel like I'm going insane
The voices in my head telling me that you are dead
But my heart still beating
Oxygen still pumping this vessel to get to the finish line
So I wonder if I'll finish this poem in time for you to hear
For you to listen
Because I'm able, hoping, and willing to love you till the world ends
I'm ready to let your love mold me and bend me to your wishes
I'm ready to be blessed by the taste of your lips
Only if I could

-----

Salaam,

Friday, January 21, 2011

Fools Rush In

I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. Everytime I found someone interesting & attractive, and became monogamous to/with them - I made that person the center of my world. One of my ex's, like 3years ago, told me that I rush into love too fast. And at the time I thought she was being spiteful and being hateful towards me, afterall this was right after her telling me that she was playing me for some other female. Digg? Right. But sitting here thinking about it I agree, sorta.

Love is something that has to be nurtured and catered to. Once you stop doing that and start pushing it into whatever "idea" you have it to be - you fuck it up. Trust, take it from me. I have done a lot of stupid things lately, because I had this idea of love and what I wanted. It's also a very selfish manner of going about things. Because a relationship is 2-sided, always. And if it's only one-sided then you'll look around and soon realize that you've been doing everything for yourself. Not for your relationship. And you're alone. Lol, word.

So my advice to you is to not rush love. Definitely don't push someone to be in a relationship with you, because if they're not ready - they are not ready. And then you just gonna be mad and bitter, breaking up something brand new, looking like a damn fool on Facebook. If you're already in a relationship and you're struggling to keep it together, step back and look at why there's the rifts there. More often then not it's a lack of communication. Just because you're listening doesn't mean you're hearing. Cause I damn sure ain't been the best at that one.

But I'm trying to change my ways.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Dead Zone: L_ve

Relationships.

I'm not too good at those things. I've always connected to songs of desperation, of emotional turmoil, of lacking intimacy & commitment - I've always been terrified of l_ve. You see, my mother never really showed me how to l_ve. And my father has told me that I am nothing more than the sperm that dripped from his nutsack (I quote that). So when it comes to my best examples of l_ve & relationships, I don't have too much to base my experimentation on.

Yet I've tried. I've been in a solid 4 relationships, I've also had my share of encounters/relations. I consider myself who learns from their past. But being a cancer also means that I usually develop a fear from my past & try to avoid it at all cost. Resulting, I am not at all easy to l_ve. Though I am extremely sensitive, I am guarded. I often formulate these ideas in my head & (self)conclusively I shut myself down. Thus, shutting l_ve out.

Without that spark/inner-light, I zombify myself. I do what I believe is "right" because Being forbid I'm wrong. So dismissive that I check myself out of everything around me. I mesh into this shattered individual sifting through days like flour in between fingers. In a lot of ways I make my fears/past come true.

I force myself into this dead zone. Into this cemetery. And thus buried along with my heart, is my relationships. My emotions. My person. And when it's final dug up, you look around & nobody is there at your tombstone missing you. Instead, you are nothing more than a plastic stick w/ a note on it that's blown away in the winds of past days.
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