Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Dead Zone: L_ve

Relationships.

I'm not too good at those things. I've always connected to songs of desperation, of emotional turmoil, of lacking intimacy & commitment - I've always been terrified of l_ve. You see, my mother never really showed me how to l_ve. And my father has told me that I am nothing more than the sperm that dripped from his nutsack (I quote that). So when it comes to my best examples of l_ve & relationships, I don't have too much to base my experimentation on.

Yet I've tried. I've been in a solid 4 relationships, I've also had my share of encounters/relations. I consider myself who learns from their past. But being a cancer also means that I usually develop a fear from my past & try to avoid it at all cost. Resulting, I am not at all easy to l_ve. Though I am extremely sensitive, I am guarded. I often formulate these ideas in my head & (self)conclusively I shut myself down. Thus, shutting l_ve out.

Without that spark/inner-light, I zombify myself. I do what I believe is "right" because Being forbid I'm wrong. So dismissive that I check myself out of everything around me. I mesh into this shattered individual sifting through days like flour in between fingers. In a lot of ways I make my fears/past come true.

I force myself into this dead zone. Into this cemetery. And thus buried along with my heart, is my relationships. My emotions. My person. And when it's final dug up, you look around & nobody is there at your tombstone missing you. Instead, you are nothing more than a plastic stick w/ a note on it that's blown away in the winds of past days.

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