Thursday, October 1, 2009

Until Further Notice

If I would have known that I would spend 3yrs and thousands of dollars to feel unaccomplished, I would have stopped this college thing a long time ago. I'm not throwing a pity party here, I'm just speaking out the thoughts that's been in my head. When I first came to this school, didn't like it. My best friend, "Snizz", who I met here, she's pretty much the reason I stayed here. But now she's not here this semester, because of her situation|accident, and so I've been left to myself. I realize - I don't like more than a handful of people on this campus. Not even remotely. I mean like 2people, maybe. I have all associates, I'm cool with people, if I'm on the phone with you while walking around I'll probably speak to like 20-30people during that one phone call. Seriously. But when it boils down to it I'm not really into anyone. I don't know if I missed the memo or if they had some mass injection that I missed but all this case of "brandNEW" is not the business and not on my to-do list.

So I'm here. I'm here in between majors because the Art department sucks. I'm here with people who practice the Spoils System vs. the Merit System; you know people's friends get precedence & thought about first for things even though they're not even close to ''right'' for the situation. I'm here with no poetry outlets, I think out of the 2500kids that go here, only like 5 have a twitter that I'm aware of... I'm here, looking from the inside out. BEGGING. SCREAMING. PLEADING - for an escape.
No exaggeration.

"But she won't drop-out her parents will look at her funny." vs. "I quit school, and it's not because I'm lazy. I'm just not the social type and campus life is crazy." Those are the two lyrics that I could say sums up this experience for me. I've been here for 3yrs and I have not, in my mind, progressed any. I have 45credits on my transcript, professors know me, the Dean knows me, (all positives) - I represented this school by working in Admissions. I represent a school that doesn't represent me. What typa buhfoolery is that?

If I would have known in 2oo7, that I didn't want to be a Political Science major, I would have kept all my artwork from high school that was shown in corridors at school or was taped to my bedroom walls. I would have applied to somewhere better and more sustainable for my needs. I would be doing Art 307, Art 415 classes right now; instead of Art 105, Art 275. Lessons learned? Connections connected? Something like that. But in the end I wonder if my costs outweigh my benefits.

The scales tipping to the lesser.

Complaining is something I do not do... because I am always working on a resolution to my problems. Obviously, I don't want to be here. I've narrowed where I do want to be down to 3cities, and I've begun my research. That's the crazy thing too. This whole "school thing"; blahhh. But in America, w|OUT education, (White America, especially), will tear you down. I am the majority of a minority as you can get. So I have to tighten my belt and roll with the punches. I have the potential to be great, and I will be great at whatever and wherever I end up.

After my freshman year, I asked my grandmother if my Papi would be proud of who I am and what I'm doing. (There's a lot she doesn't know, but I felt the question was needed at the time, my college kidd habits & my sexuality for example.) He passed away my senior year of high school. She answered of course he would. I'm a writer which he always loved my imagination and creativity was highly encouraged. He expected me to be taller, and probably end up with a football (soccer) scholarship. But all in all - Yes, he would be proud, so she says.

Everyday, I ask myself this somewhat already answered question. My grandfather never restricted me, never had these expectation, he just let me be. Self was of most importance. He didn't allow society to dirty me. Completely left now. Vulnerable I fell into the traps of what was expected of me from society and other family members.

I don't even want to be a poet, or a journalist, or even a graphics designer. Which is crazy because those are the things that come naturally to me and that I am, according to everyone it seems, "great" at. I want to do architecture, design great homes inside and out, and sell them to people. Don't even need a degree for that. Could have been doing that a long time ago. But architects, especially in this housing market today, do not make good money. Besides, I suck at math.

So here I am, and here I'll stay;-
Until someone, or something, answers my screams of escape.

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