Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Recently I have been thinking about gender boxes, and how one is basically shoved into a box. If you don't identify as a female anymore? That means you're transitioning into a male. Don't want to use female pronouns? Ok male pronouns then. Seems that it's difficult to stay somewhere in the middle... and the mainstream seem to not want to have to deal with something as strange as neutral pronouns, and the thought of maybe not identifying as either genders. I've noticed a pattern too, that if a female bodied person says they are genderqueer, people assume that they will only want to express themselves in a masculine way... which I think is kinda crappy. I sometime feel this pressure to ONLY express myself in a masculine way, and while I do mostly only want to wear "masculine" clothes and be flat chested etc, I keep in mind that this is how I feel right now, one day I might want to prettify myself and go out in a dress but I hesitate to do so, because of the fear that people would then doubt and question my gender identity and think that me in a dress somehow invalidates my identity.
As I stepped away from the female gender box, I felt the pull toward the male gender box. Some people started using masculine pronouns for me, and male terms, I at first found it curious, exciting, and fun, but over time, I've come to the conclusion that the male gender feels just as wrong, if not more. I just end up feeling stuck in yet another box, and it feels as if I am ignoring/denying one aspect of me. I am not completely male, nor am I completely female. I like being able to express myself however I want on whatever day, and I am realizing more and more that I like being as androgynous as possible right now as it gives me a lot of freedom to go either way, it's nice having that freedom.
I guess, ultimately I prefer everything to be neutral. Neutral pronouns [ze/hir/they/their], neutral terms [ie: elf, dude -yes that's neutral to me-, person, individual, etc], and there's some female terms I am okay with, such as sister, daughter, mostly family related stuff though because that's what I am to my family and I am okay with it, and it feels more right than brother or son. I am starting to think that also, in society in general, I am okay with being seen as female and having female pronouns being used. I can't be bothered to correct people who I don't even care about in the first place. But with friends [and family], I would appreciate the effort to use neutral pronouns/terms. I'm trying hard to not shove myself into yet another box. I need to remind myself that it's okay to choose to express myself in any way, as a female-bodied genderqueer. So if anyone has been using masculine/feminine terms etc, let's drop it... unless I am in character/drag... which I don't do.