In A Way

Kinda funny how shit turns out. There's no running because in the end you're right back where you began. Irony or Result? I don't think it's irony, I believe that life knows that there cannot be a new without a finish.

The past 2 years I've spent blaming on everyone and everything else. Excuses became my crutch, explaining my obstacles & pretty much depending on them. When those got tired, I blamed people. Whoever it was, I just had a scape, a patsy. But now if you ask me I'm ready.

I'm finally taking true steps and actions to get myself on the right path. And though all this disaster and downfall is occurring all around me - I feel good. I've got a brand new outlook on life. To wallow in one's sorrow never does them any good. You have to get up and keep it moving. Because it's not the fall that matters, it's the fact that you got back up & recovered. So life is funny that way.

Might not be such a bad idea after all.

I don't believe that you can re-transition to a pass 'you.' So when people say "I gotta get me back", you never lost you. I feel like if you don't grow then you won't progress. That's why the people who stay in the same city they grew up in, when you go visit them 20years after high school they still doing the same shit, fucking the same nigga, and even having that same ass hairdo. You have to change some shit up. You have to 'get out' and see the world. At least a different state.

I'm a roamer. I've probably lived in 20 different cities in the last 3years. And I love that about me. It's a new way for me to push my limits of my comfort. Currently, I'm only stable because I need to pay off a tuition bill to get back into school. But once that happens I'll probably be back on my hopping grind. There's no hurt in that to me. I have to experience a different because that's always been my situation: different.

Random Rant

I need to get over my insecurity of being short. My height is probably the biggest challenge I face in the mirror. I don't wear what I want to wear, I can't fit into clothes the way I want to, and everything else. I'm extremely insecure about my height. And it's something that I used to NOT be so bothered by. But now that I'm considered an ''adult'' in this fcuked up judgmental world, I feel more and more annoyed that I'm of short stature. I don't know... I guess it's just another one of those I gotta work on accepting. Cause ain't no way in changing this one.

Running

I feel like I have to be m.o.r.e., always. Because I've never been enuff. My temperament is one of someone who hasn't been taught love, hasn't been taught social skills - quite frankly? I've always had my way. And when I didn't have my way I didn't have anyone else so I depended on self... It's easier that way. So everything in my life right now is a deep growing experience, one that's going to alter my way of thinking. I have never been on this mind level before. I know this because there is no familiarity here. So it's all a battle, it's all a change... Damn i'm favoring commas today... i guess i got a lot to say so it's just running on.

If I had the dream job it would be to just be happy and create. Start another non-profit organization but on the scale that it would cater to the gray area of age. When you're discovering yourself. I know if I had found a cafe, a poetry place, a smoke shop, a club, an art gallery that would work with me - I would be better than what I am. I'm working on getting better.One step closer to where I want to be, I know where I want to be. And I think because I am not there yet, that's why I'm so hard on myself. Failure is not an option. It's not even a question.

Forever Young

Let's just say that I'm short. &Because I have the blessings of my Grandmother's looks, I don't age. At all. Cause Imma vampire, tuh. No but seriously, I don't really... look 'older'. Mix that with my height & lack of physical attributes that would attest that I am indeed 21yrs old - at least 5x a day I hear "Why are you old enough to (fill in the blank)?"

So I started to change up. I ventured into wearing clothes I really didn't care for, I stopped my crazy colored high top collection, &I began to try to put forth the image that I am at least legal.

Still, it's not going too well. I don't think I'll ever ''look'' my age. When I'm pushing 30 I'll still be carded. It's a complaint now, probably be a compliment then.

What I'm tryna get at is - I hate the change up. I hate lookin' young. I wish I could just look ''21'', whatever that means. But at the end of the day? I'm me. And Imma be me. If you don't like that then I don't have shit to tell you. Here's my ID, sell me my alcoholic beverage & my lottery tickets.

Good Day Cold World.