Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Inside Out.

to have to start all over, again &again &again - it's like WTF to the maximum. my life wasn't supposed to be like this, i wasn't supposed to be like this. i'm way more intelligent, talented, and determined than most ; but i don't understand why the people who try the hardest get the least out of life. i wasn't one of my generation, one to not even consider the chances, i actually STUDIED the chances, i argued against the stereotypes &+ i made a fool out of the statistics. now i'm at the bottom of a settled cup with all the pulp, while the fruit of the juice rises above. i'm thirsty, and i don't even want to drink.

this wasn't supposed to be me. 21 in a few weeks &not even near done with college, hell i'm back at the starting line; i took so many wrongturns|shortcuts that it got me no where. i can't balance the things that i used to be able to manage all at the same time. i'm losing it, in the worse way. i used to have this confidence about myself, i knew i was the shit, i got used to the flies around me. i was gaining education, performing everywhere and had flocks of people attracted to me. now i'm at rock bottom, and the last two i don't even care about, i'm good enough for self, but i'm not good enough to succeed anymore.

everyone keeps telling me you've got time, you can make it better, you can finish just put in the work where it's needed. other people became my focus, even through the lies they called support, i just wanted to make them happy. those who used to be in my circle, are now standing outside the bend, yelling at me &shaking their heads with disassociation. i'm at rock bottom and i aint even addicted to shit.

it's not a matter of not wanting to do it ; it's a matter of it not being on my to-do list. when life throws you lemons you make lemonade, but when life throws you molded lemons you throw it out - no lemonade for you. i didn't even think i'd be 21 and not have my own, not be on my own, &not be happy. i feel just as miserable as before. i feel alone.
nobody but nobody can make it out here on their own.
 i don't have the determination i had before. there's no pretty picture hanging over the horizon, there's no end to this madness. i just want the madness to stop. i just want things to be okay, as they used to be. i'm tired of fighting yo. this is a 4corner match, and i've already been knocked out ; there's not much more i can give to win this. this doesn't have anything to do with the superficial things in life, or the things that are supposed to make one happy. because when the other things around you are falling apart, that one thing will eventually crumble as well. i've been changing my ways for what? it's just changes - not progress. there's a difference. i always thought my life to be progressive, everything i've ever worked for has fallen apart, nothing i reaped is sowing. n o t h i n g . so what am i doing?

there's no positives in any of this. there's no happiness inside. i'm hollowed out. and if i'm just existing why be living? why be here? to write pretty poems for people and photoshop pictures for websites? to not have a family, to not have friends, to not have anything in this populated world, i feel so alone. is this how death feels? when you're diagnosed with notice that you're going to die? i feel dead. i feel lost. i feel like the scum between god's toes. as Love always says, if there is a God, He must hate me. cause this is the life i have.

there's no btching about it, nothing to man-up to. there's nothing to swallow, no correct steps to take. i don't know where i'm going, don't know what i'm doing, but this mask is cracking quickly. and i don't even give a fuck.


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