SI: Poetry

I used love writing poems

I guess that’s cause I was in love with the game

Illustrated in my verbaility

To chase the words around

And always come out on top

I was fascinated by language

Engrossed in imagery

And could hyperbolize anything too much

Alliteration left me in ellipses

I just wanted to escape

Broaden my horizon to kick start my life

To a better place

Now it seems like everytime I turn on the radio

Someones stolen my line

It’s kinda funny cause

I thought that I’d be touring with my rhymes

Meant to happen this way I assume

I try to write down my thoughts

But the pink margins don’t leave much room

The beginning of the end

I feel like I’m always in last place

I have this sense of urgency with my life

Still I’m losing this race

My heart is taken but it’s beating slowly

But when I think about the end

I get suicidal daydreaming of being lonely

Don’t want this to go wrong

Never had to choice to go right

I’m ambidextrous by nature

Spoiled by natural ability

I try to live my life leisurely

Then they say I procrastinate

I fuck myself over

Kind of messy when you masturbate

Seeing myself now I don’t know who I am

Time flew by and now it’s ready to land

Words used to come to me

But now they just flee my grasp

Holding on to so much

Still I know I’m holding back

Behind the mic was the most comfortable I ever been

Realized I was just an act for a blue-eyed audience

Came back to where I started

Like I always do

Repeatedly not getting no where

Defying the elements of grammar

Double negative trying to get to ground zero

Poetry keep me under lock and key

Just looking for a window

Inside Out.

to have to start all over, again &again &again - it's like WTF to the maximum. my life wasn't supposed to be like this, i wasn't supposed to be like this. i'm way more intelligent, talented, and determined than most ; but i don't understand why the people who try the hardest get the least out of life. i wasn't one of my generation, one to not even consider the chances, i actually STUDIED the chances, i argued against the stereotypes &+ i made a fool out of the statistics. now i'm at the bottom of a settled cup with all the pulp, while the fruit of the juice rises above. i'm thirsty, and i don't even want to drink.

this wasn't supposed to be me. 21 in a few weeks &not even near done with college, hell i'm back at the starting line; i took so many wrongturns|shortcuts that it got me no where. i can't balance the things that i used to be able to manage all at the same time. i'm losing it, in the worse way. i used to have this confidence about myself, i knew i was the shit, i got used to the flies around me. i was gaining education, performing everywhere and had flocks of people attracted to me. now i'm at rock bottom, and the last two i don't even care about, i'm good enough for self, but i'm not good enough to succeed anymore.

everyone keeps telling me you've got time, you can make it better, you can finish just put in the work where it's needed. other people became my focus, even through the lies they called support, i just wanted to make them happy. those who used to be in my circle, are now standing outside the bend, yelling at me &shaking their heads with disassociation. i'm at rock bottom and i aint even addicted to shit.

it's not a matter of not wanting to do it ; it's a matter of it not being on my to-do list. when life throws you lemons you make lemonade, but when life throws you molded lemons you throw it out - no lemonade for you. i didn't even think i'd be 21 and not have my own, not be on my own, &not be happy. i feel just as miserable as before. i feel alone.

nobody but nobody can make it out here on their own.

 i don't have the determination i had before. there's no pretty picture hanging over the horizon, there's no end to this madness. i just want the madness to stop. i just want things to be okay, as they used to be. i'm tired of fighting yo. this is a 4corner match, and i've already been knocked out ; there's not much more i can give to win this. this doesn't have anything to do with the superficial things in life, or the things that are supposed to make one happy. because when the other things around you are falling apart, that one thing will eventually crumble as well. i've been changing my ways for what? it's just changes - not progress. there's a difference. i always thought my life to be progressive, everything i've ever worked for has fallen apart, nothing i reaped is sowing. n o t h i n g . so what am i doing?

there's no positives in any of this. there's no happiness inside. i'm hollowed out. and if i'm just existing why be living? why be here? to write pretty poems for people and photoshop pictures for websites? to not have a family, to not have friends, to not have anything in this populated world, i feel so alone. is this how death feels? when you're diagnosed with notice that you're going to die? i feel dead. i feel lost. i feel like the scum between god's toes. as Love always says, if there is a God, He must hate me. cause this is the life i have.

there's no btching about it, nothing to man-up to. there's nothing to swallow, no correct steps to take. i don't know where i'm going, don't know what i'm doing, but this mask is cracking quickly. and i don't even give a fuck.

Life & Rhymes.

If you know me, you know that I am one of the biggest `Ye heads ever. I been on him, before the Taylor Swift gig. I was a fan of his producing, his pre[sense). He has this love for the beat, the 808 &bass. A lot of his music has the harsh mix of funk and soul, but he flows over with such a concrete rhythm. So when people tell me that hip-hop is dead, I always cause conflict.

People shut Kanye down so strong and heavy when he was trying to come up on the scene. I mean they hit him with everything, cause &effect. I write this as if I’m some sort of biographer of him. And though I know a lot of (wiki]factual information about `Ye; I know in truth &honesty, I’m just a fan.

But I respect him for the craft that he has turned into a masterpiece. He went from producing tracks for the biggest artist in the world, to measuring up to be one of the biggest personas in the world. Internationally toured, globally listened to. I hear people come out their mouth all the time about `Ye. About how controversial he is, how stylish he is, how he should stick to producing; and I mean to each their own opinion, but I aint tryna hear it. I have a likeness for him because how he came up, where he came up. More than just the Chi-town boy beat.

“More than smoking herb, it was more like spoken word.”

I’m from NY, an added factor is claiming the pride for being the birthplace of hip-hop. No disrespect to my hometown, but we have fallen off &the mid-west finally was what I was bumping to when I w.o.k.e. up. I don’t know the last fresh to death track I’ve heard that’s come outta NY (unless you count Diggy Simmons, though he resides in Jersey, but even he’s still on the rise].

Kanye developed his rap career as a spoken word artist would prepare for an open mic. All he wanted was to catch their ears, now he has our hearts. I follow everything that Kanye does, not to be some sort of paparazzi|groupie ; but to see what’s coming next. He’s viciously talented, but his style isn’t for everyone. I really feel like he’s ahead of his time, ahead of this time. I think I go so hard for Kanye because I realize his struggle, I feel his hustle, &I really appreciate what he’s brought to the table.

Though this whole piece was sprung from the morning glory of “Life & Rhymes of Kanye West”, an MTV documentary, which is some years old, Donna West is featured; my peers &those alike don’t have significant basis for what they listen to. The subliminal messages lead them to take on subliminal lives. Whereas I don’t want to be the next `Ye, I don’t want to be in that starlight. But music is a piece of culture. It’s a staple in the time capsule. I believe that Kanye West is definitely a good capture to have, we don’t have too much good music. God forbid if they look at our TV series from this era, because we’ve gone way down down down, pass MJB. But something like `Ye? Impactful. 

TGIF.

Who remembers that show|series from ABC (I think)... it had it's own little song too, thank god it's fridayyyyy-ayeeee. Yeah, these kids have no idea what television is &I'm thinking maybe the corps lost the definition as well.
Good Morning America (because your day doesn't begin until you see me).

This is going to be an 'Update Blog' ; I'll semi-let-you-in on what's happening in my life. Let's just say that through all the ups & downs, a dude is still feeling isolated. But as Maya Angelou wrote "Nobody, but nobody can make it out here alone." Seeing as how I know that I am somebody to someone, I therefore can't be a nobody. So many different cliches in my head that I could wordplay that with, but fcuk the playing I'm about to graduate for real.

Life is crazy for me. Working and looking for work. Schooling and trying to get back on track. Loving and being loved. In all the complexities. Lesbians have this issue of living in Lala land. No one plans ahead, no one thinks about the future, they're solely satisfied with the present gift they have. Don't have time for that. I have a future ahead of me, and I hope that SHE will be there with me. I've done this before though, planned things for a singular-dually existence, just for it to crumble apart without notice in front of my face &closest to my heart. I'm trying to keep things at bay, but it's close against my back - we'll see where this leads. Time is the (man)ipulator of all things. Let's see where we go from here.

Today is just a really good day. I kinda spoiled myself, which was long overdue. I'm just going to breathe today, enjoy my weekend that I have off. Get to know myself, so that I can l_ve you better.

As far as the poetry? It's been... funny. Lol, I've been really lazy lately, and the thoughts seem to come to me in 2 places: 1. Bed, when I'm too lazy to go get an iTouch or pen&pad. This results in me whispering in Love's air|ear. And 2. the Shower, where I'm too.... yeah. So maybe I'll invent something that'll let me capture the thoughts. When I was younger that was a dreamcatcher, but in 2010 we need something a little bit more technological.

Invested in some clothes today. Hopefully I'll find the perfect pair of shoes next week. Got my glasses on, call it a fad, I call it image. I fcuked my hairline up in the back of my head, good thing I like fitted caps. Buying a book on drawing &painting, time to explore my other creative endeavors.

Rumors surround me like I live out in Hollywood, but the contrary is always truth. The sh.t you hear about me might be just about half-as real as the person that told it to you. I'm working on s.e.l.f. healing. Isolated or not, I always be okay. I'll survive. Like Gloria Gaynor sang.

It's tuff, but I'm always 10x stronger. Be easy. Peace.

-Ace

Whatcha Say.

Not all smiles and wishes
Hugs and kisses don't exist in the world I'm in
Madness engulfs me
Sadness circles me like the vulture it is
I search for answers through the haze
Habitually living life in a daze

It's just a phase

Escaping to pull away from the pain
My spirit always a few steps behind
Destiny doesn't heed to my voice
A prisoner to my own world
If only the words could send out a message
S.O.S. come soon

Acting up

Allergies got me sneezing
I guess it's going to be one of those seasons
When things flair up for no reason at all
Clinging to my blanket with an insomniacs race
This marathon nonstop but I'm looking for a break

You're okay

So I just pretend to go along for the ride
Maybe the end is near just not in sight
In spite
Of all the things I've been told and I've done
I'm still lacking that one thing
The string that holds me all together is a mere thread